"As to your hug-and-run strategy, I hafta laugh. You seem to have an uncanny way of finding things that I've already tried. Sometimes, you and I think very much alike.
But, W is quicker than I. I hug. She runs."
OK, so as she's running, trip her, and while she's on the ground, tickle the hell out of her?!
Bet you haven't tried that one yet!!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
W used to express her anger by turning it inward. In other words, guilt. For example, she always felt like S#2’s condition may have been caused by the glass of wine she drank just before she found out she was pregnant. I always tried to tell her that guilt was a useless feeling. I told her that she had nothing to feel guilty about. In a sense, I suppose I invalidated her feelings in my attempt to alleviate them.
She also got mad at me when I expressed my feelings. If I didn’t like what she was doing, and told her so, I was – in her view – laying a guilt trip on her.
I have told her that I’m concerned. That’s when she told me that her personal issues are hers, and that I should, “learn to butt out.”
On another occasion (it’s all in my old threads), I did express my concern about our parallel lives. At that time, she simply told me that that’s how she wanted it. She’s also told me on several occasions that I turn personal issues into “couple” issues. She’s said that when she wanted more out of our R, I didn’t listen, and now that she has found things that make her happy (such as her R with MF), I am trying to take that away from her. I should find my own things to make me happy.
Yes. He was an exit. However, things have changed in the past coupla years. She has allowed me more accessibility into her life. And recently, MF was forced (by his W) to have a less prominent role. She’s spending more time alone, rather than trying to replace him with me.
I have to say it again, Lily. I do not want him to scram. I don’t think anything can be accomplished by that. She has conversational and quality time needs that were met by him. Yes, I did feel displaced. I would prefer that those needs be met – not exclusively by me – but including me. I want a special place in her life. I do not want to dominate her life.
What are my ideas?
Be as available as I can. Ask her to do things with me from time to time. Let her decide the rest.
Quoting KAW: So this morning, I gave her an hug. Her hands stayed by her side, so I took her arm and placed it around my waist. Subtle, eh?
Andy-Do you and your wife ever go out? Like to a movie or to eat? Do you ever just hang out at home and TALK? Do you think she treats you as she would a good friend? I have no idea where I'm going with this-nowhere I guess, I just wanted to get a feel for how you guys interact, because unless I'm off base it does not sound like you have much of a relationship going-two sided that is. Maybe its just the way your posting today but I get a sense of a man who lives in a house full of people but is lonely. I wish she would see what she has in you. I know....I only know your side of the story, but the way you defend her I don't think you are predudice in favor of yourself. I'm wondering why she prefers being alone as opposed to seeking your company? I'm guessing your wondering that too. I gotta ask you Andy whatever it is your doing, is it working at all? Rachael
Quote: Quoting KAW: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this morning, I gave her an hug. Her hands stayed by her side, so I took her arm and placed it around my waist. Subtle, eh?
What was her reaction to you then? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not sure. I did a hug-and-run.
Gee Andy is it that you are getting that much quicker ... or is she getting that much slower ...
I sorry Andy, I just got the image of a Peppy LaPue (sp?) cartoon. Remember, in one episode she turn the tables around and started chasing him!
ASSAULT?! Hey now, I wasn't suggesting you to go THAT far!!
In all honesty, andy, I was only half-joking with you.
When it comes to "doing something different", or "changing anything", try not to discount any possible ideas. Sometimes doing the wildest things make the biggest differences.
A good tickling might cause some changes to happen. Yup, she might get a little pissed at first, but at least it would take things out of an emotional limbo.
It doesn't seem like the two of you get much "play-time". This might be something to get you two out the all the "serious-time".
Who knows, it might lead to more physical contact, if you know what I mean!
Would this be something that she would typically expect Andy to do?!
It would definitely make her wonder what the hell is up with you!
Last edited by Jamesjohn; 09/20/0205:31 PM.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
We went out very often until lately. We went to MF’s house every Saturday night. We went to movies with MF and his W. We went to flea markets with MF. We went riding with MF. We’d go over to MF’s house to help him out, and he’d come over to our house to help us. We went to comedy clubs with MF and his W (and TF for those who remember him).
Do we ever hang out at home and talk? Sometimes. Of course, the talking is often dominated by our kids. Sometimes, I sneak up behind her when she’s alone in the kitchen, and we talk for several seconds before one of the kids comes in.
Morning coffee before the kids got up worked for awhile.
Last week, I had the week off, so we had breakfast in a restaurant a coupla times before W went off to do her stuff. That was nice.
You’re also right that I’m lonely in a crowd. And you’re also right that I’m posting as a person who’s more lonely the last few days than usual. It’s not always that bad.
Why does she prefer to be alone rather than seeking my company? That’s a good question. Her answer is that we can’t leave S#2 up to the kids all the time. So, we have to take turns doing things, and reserve the time we foist on the kids for important things such as socializing with our friends.
But to answer your question, is what I’m doing working? I have to say yes.
Two years ago, she would go out w/o saying where she was going. She never invited me along. “Married people don’t have to do everything together.” She acted like she’d been visited by the Spanish Inquisition if I asked her what she was up to.
KAW,
I remember that episode. Hopefully, one day, W will be able to ignore my stink and chase me. How’d that be for a 180?
JJ,
I was only half joking with you, too. Pre-bomb, we were actually quite playful. Part of the bomb that was dropped on me was that W didn’t want to play, but I didn’t listen.
She wouldn’t wonder what I’m up to. She’d assume it’s just a return to the “bad old days.” The days when I assaulted her (exaggeration, but you know what I mean).
But I understand what you mean about going wild sometimes. I’ll keep that in by bag of tricks for future reference.
Quoting ANS: Maybe I'm exaggerating my own importance. It may not be about me at all. But if it isn't, then why won't she tell me what's wrong?
Maybe she doesn't know! If so, perhaps time to back off a bit, give her the space and time needed to figure it out, and dont start that same dance you were describing earlier: distance, pursue, three steps forward, two steps back.
In the meantime, dont give her any reason to start it on her own!
Quoting Stephanep: Maybe she doesn't know! If so, perhaps time to back off a bit, give her the space and time needed to figure it out, and dont start that same dance you were describing earlier: distance, pursue, three steps forward, two steps back.
In the meantime, dont give her any reason to start it on her own!
Steph
I backed off two years ago, Steph. Not too successfully at first. Made all the usual mistakes, but that's what I've been trying for quite some time now.
I don't intend to back off any further, but I think you're right that I cannot bulldoze my way back into her confidence.
