W used to express her anger by turning it inward. In other words, guilt. For example, she always felt like S#2’s condition may have been caused by the glass of wine she drank just before she found out she was pregnant. I always tried to tell her that guilt was a useless feeling. I told her that she had nothing to feel guilty about. In a sense, I suppose I invalidated her feelings in my attempt to alleviate them.
She also got mad at me when I expressed my feelings. If I didn’t like what she was doing, and told her so, I was – in her view – laying a guilt trip on her.
I have told her that I’m concerned. That’s when she told me that her personal issues are hers, and that I should, “learn to butt out.”
On another occasion (it’s all in my old threads), I did express my concern about our parallel lives. At that time, she simply told me that that’s how she wanted it. She’s also told me on several occasions that I turn personal issues into “couple” issues. She’s said that when she wanted more out of our R, I didn’t listen, and now that she has found things that make her happy (such as her R with MF), I am trying to take that away from her. I should find my own things to make me happy.
Yes. He was an exit. However, things have changed in the past coupla years. She has allowed me more accessibility into her life. And recently, MF was forced (by his W) to have a less prominent role. She’s spending more time alone, rather than trying to replace him with me.
I have to say it again, Lily. I do not want him to scram. I don’t think anything can be accomplished by that. She has conversational and quality time needs that were met by him. Yes, I did feel displaced. I would prefer that those needs be met – not exclusively by me – but including me. I want a special place in her life. I do not want to dominate her life.
What are my ideas?
Be as available as I can. Ask her to do things with me from time to time. Let her decide the rest.
Quoting KAW: So this morning, I gave her an hug. Her hands stayed by her side, so I took her arm and placed it around my waist. Subtle, eh?
