I don’t suppose I ever really objected to other gender friends. I only objected to any friends who she felt closer to than me. This included FFs. It is much to my relief that she confides to me more than him or any FFs she may have. I’ve always wanted an open relationship. Not one in which she discusses her problems (the biggest was me!) with others.
I don’t consider MF’s complaints whining, either. He has valid complaints. His W is stifling him. What he doesn’t see (her either) is that they’re dancing the classical pursuer-distancer dance. I’m not close enough to either of them to explain, and though I’ve made oblique references to it when talking to my W, I’m not even in a position to talk to her about it. She could view it as taking sides with MF’s W.
When I said that W’s R with MF is primarily behind his W’s back, I meant that all of his friendships have gotten that way. She not only ousted W, but me, and MF’s best (other than my W) friend. She has said that he can continue his friendships as long as we don’t go to his house. However, he gets lotsa flack if he goes out to see us. He really doesn’t have much choice.
When (I don’t think it’s a matter of “if”) she finds out, I plan to stay waaaaaaaaaaaaaay out of it. As much as I would like to help them, it’s just none of my business.
She stifles him; he distances himself; she tries to control in order to have him w her more; he becomes passively rebellious; she blows; he builds anger and resentment.
Yuk! I'm describing Sage and me about 2 1/2 years back.
I just hope that when she blows and the dust settles, he's out of your life for good.
When she seems to be in a pensive, down, tired, etc., mood, how comfortable would you be in going to her, not saying a word, and just give her a strong hug? Then just walk away, and leave her alone.
P.S. On second thought, ANS, screw whether you're comfortable with it or not, JUST DO IT, DAMMIT!!! If she asks you what that was for, say something like "just because....". No ILU, or any other stuff like that.
I have a strong feeling that if you do that a couple of times, without expecting any kind of response or reaction, she'll soon start approaching shortly after.
Do something different.
Experiment, and monitor results.
Last edited by Jamesjohn; 09/19/0206:30 PM.
JJ
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Very good answer JJ. Men just look at us sometimes in despair because they don't know what to do to fix it.(us) WEll-they can't. WE have to, and alot of the time we don't even know how. A hug would be all she would need is my guess,but most men don't think to do something that SIMPLE. IT shows you care without trying to get information out of her that a. she does not want to disclose or b. She is just in an mood BECAUSE. Just MHO, Rachael
Quoting Jamesjohn:not saying a word, and just give her a strong hug? Then just walk away, and leave her alone.
P.S. On second thought, ANS, screw whether you're comfortable with it or not, JUST DO IT, DAMMIT!!! If she asks you what that was for, say something like "just because....".
Very good advice. I was one of those wives, "whats wrong" was as common to say as how was your day. What I really wanted to say is ,"how can I make you feel better." Of course neither was really possible. Now I will give a hug, squeeze on the arm. The other night when he came to pick up the kids, he was real frazzled I invited him in, gave him a back rub and told him good night! He smiled and said "thanks, you know just what I needed." I didn't know really, lol, but I know how to get him to relax! I think the key to what James said is offer the reassurance, then let go! ~~Bonnie
I will say that it's a very good sign that she did not respond with "nothing". That indicates mucho frustration and. . ." there's no point trying to explain 'cause you don't listen anyway and I might as well just do it myself. . . " Ya'll know what I mean.
Andy. This is important. You, like me are bending over backwards to make the environment safe. Sage is aware of this and so is your wife.
It is important that you not become invisible, Andy. Let your light shine. Eat those celery seeds that I read about in Andy's Story.
Why did the coffee ritual stop? Rituals are so important, especially when the ritual provides a together time.
What happened w the blood work? Maybe that's part of it? Results should be back about now.
I don't like that guy disrespecting his wife and getting his quality time needs met with other women. He needs to bond w the guys. Work on his marriage yada yada yada.
How to close the exit (hanging out with this guy who is disrespecting his marriage) and get your wife to focus on home is the question I want to ponder.
She has to want to do such and such to make it real for her. What can You do that will promote this. Something different.
You hug her if you want to; don't expect anything in return. Even in withdrawal, Sage accepts hugs.
Quoting Jamesjohn:"It may not be about me at all. But if it isn't, then why won't she tell me what's wrong?"
It may be, my friend, that she's not quite sure herself about what's wrong.
Maybe, JJ, but that possibility doesn’t make things any easier, does it?
As to your hug-and-run strategy, I hafta laugh. You seem to have an uncanny way of finding things that I’ve already tried. Sometimes, you and I think very much alike.
But, W is quicker than I. I hug. She runs.
So this morning, I gave her an hug. Her hands stayed by her side, so I took her arm and placed it around my waist. Subtle, eh?
Thanks for dropping by, Rachael. Your input is ever appreciated.
Hi Bonnie. Nice to “see” you, too.
And my good friend, Lily…
W has told me to butt out of her personal problems, so she doesn’t have to be curt with me unless I “pry.” There’s sortof a blanket “’cause you don’t listen anyway…” (sigh).
Yeah. Andy the invisible man. Lately, she’s been making herself pretty scarce. When I come home from work, she’s out riding. In the evenings, she’s either covered with kids, or has her nose in a book. Morning coffee time is naptime. If an Andy shines in a forest, with no one there to see him, does he exist?
The coffee ritual, as I mentioned, used to consist of me making coffee, placing it on her nightstand, and bringing my own coffee to bed. She’d sit up, and we’d chat. She no longer sits up or chats, so I just drink my coffee, get dressed for work. Peck on the cheek (or whatever I can get hold of), and head off.
Don’t know what the results of the blood work are. IAW wife, it’s “personal”, so I suppose I’ll find out if/when she decides to tell me.
As negative as this whole post sounds, I’m actually feeling pretty OK today. Dunno why, but pffffffft. I’ll take it.
Andy, how did your wife used to express her anger? Before Son#2 was dx?
Can you find the moment to be in the moment w her and simply say "I am concerned." Let her see only love in your eyes when you say that. That might be the springboard.
Andy, back when I was so angry w Sage he was not supportive; he looked for ways to push my buttons. He loved me but he was stuck in his anger-feeding mode.
If only he'd been able to say that he was sincerely concerned about the turn toward parallel lives we were making and that he knew we needed help to turn the situation around. I might have heard him.
That guy friend of hers serves as an "exit" in preventing her from focusing on her relationship w you. There are guys who become workaholics and detach from helping w the family. The wife makes a stand that he's needed at home. He either maitains his course or he closes that exit and starts staying at home more. It just kills him; he thinks he's gonna "die" cause he givs up what he liked to do. Time passes and he doesn't die but discovers that what is at home is real too. He gets to where he likes it.
Andy, how to get the guy to scram? He really ought not to be hanging out w other gender friends. He's using your wife to fulfil his conversational and quality time needs. He's taking her from time w you. You are bending over backwards here. Something to brainstorm. What are your ideas?
