Beyond frustrated... is this really worth it?

[cat03]

I so wanted to begin a new post positively, but as I write I've barely been able to control my frustration, resentment and anger. Why even bother DB with this @#$@# man??? he is a shade of the man I married, I worked so hard for 7mths to have him back in ANY shape, but I just don't know anymore.

At the end of our last C session he did mention that if we start discussing a point we dont' agree with then it turns into this "long speach/discussion" that he doesn't want to have, it's too much bother for him to sit down and try to come to an agreement. Instead he stops me short with a rude "I dont' want to hear from you" or "dont' want to hear your speach" at which point I want to snap.

I was crying this am, after so many weeks of C and months of feeling fine I couldn't put up w/it, he honestly doens't want to bother to talk, I dont' see myself putting up with that crap for years. He also pulled the "maybe I should be alone" card at which point I want to say "maybe you should".

I'm so tired of giving him so many breaks because he is stressed about his job, so tired of putting up w/his rude comments, short temper and anger bursts because of his ADHD.

Damn it, I just want to have a H that loves me and is happy w/me, I already know he doesnt' think of me that way yet, but I honestly won't live like this for more than a year, if by next summer he still isnt' sure if he loves me or not I'm calling it quits, I'm not going to live a sham of a marriage, it hurts too much to be treated like a pesky roomate instead of the woman whom which he wanted to live w/for the rest of his life.

I'm having a rotten day, I had to vent, hadn't felt this awful in a while

[Jen_Jam]

Oh Cat, Cat, Cat...deep breath!!!! I posted on your previous thread, but I will repeat a little here. I totally understand. I have a WAH who stonewalls me and won't talk. My advice? Live wih it. Buckle yourself in and remember your log term goals. I feel like walking out many tims too, but I comitted to staying M, WHATEVER IT TAKES!! Sorry, I have to shout at myself sometimes.
Rememebr these words:

>>The brightest future will always
>>be based on a forgotten past;
>>you can't go forward in life until
>>you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

And keep posting - vent here, I know how you feel, I vent a lot in my written diary, I also go kickboxing and guess who I imagine I'm fighting at times? Then I come home all my agression gone and Act As If. I think it's working, but the steps forward are SO small.
hang on in there girl!!! Remember you want a good M with your H, not a D, so you're going to have to wait a long time - but good things come to those who wait. Rember your goal.

[cat03]

Hi Jen, thanks for replying, I was really feeling like dirt that day, guess I had to vent, it was one of those days when one just wants to throw in the towel, well, no one said it was going to be easy huh?
I'm being impatient, guess this is a new stage for me, for all of us here I think, some have our S's back or close to it, I shouldn't despair so fast *SIGH*

Guess I have to stop in the delusion that my H will go back to that puppy love we had when we first met, I forget that during the last years before he left it wasn't all hugs and kisses every 10min, so I am fooling myself waiting for all that.
Thanks for listening for my pity party, I think it is pretty close to that time of the month, so hormones are going wild here

[Jen_Jam]

Hi Cat, you're welcome. I've only just come out of a low stage, funny enough it's that time for me too. In one day I managed to eat 5 bars of chocolate!!!!!!
You are most welcome to vent any time you like - at least here everyone can understand. Sitting beside a spouse who no longer loves you is the lonliest spot in the world - so at least here there's loads of company

[wed2alien]

Cat,

I think you are expressing the feelings of frustration that come with just wanting all this to be over, and to just be loved and respected.

I don't know what to say, but can see my H and me interacting just like that if we get to couples counseling. I guess it just shows that rebuilding takes time even if we just want to be adored and loved by our H.

Does our patience ever get to end!!

wed

[cat03]

thanks wed, on my other post I posted how I brought up this subjects (thank heavens in a much nicer way! ) during C yesterday, and boy I see now I got carried away by my anger. I did accuse my of not wanting to talk, in a way he didn't, but I also "helped" so he'd feel that way (not an excuse for his reaction of course, but I was pegging it all on him)

I think the hormones are all stable now I feel much better today, and feel much better about us.