I know I can get those feelings back if things go the right way. I'm just pretty fragile right now. I keep thinking of how Sage (amongst others) lost their feelings, and it scares me. Don't know if you came accross Me2, or Wintergirl, but some of the difficulties they had accepting their H's changes (and vice versa) come to mind.
I hope you can hang in there long enough to recover - not only the Duke's feelings - but your own.
Yes. MF's W told him that she doesn't want us in her house. She later said it was OK for him to meet with us - even ride with us - but she didn't want to see us anymore.
As to the "helping" me thing. All I can do is ride it out, and hope that her "help" works. Perhaps - in time - she'll feel less need to "help" me.
There's so much positive that's happened to me of late. I know that. But, I feel like krap right now.
Just hafta ride it out.
Lisa,
I'm so sorry for you. What you describe is my biggest fear for myself. I'm also afraid that my W has irrevokably lost those feelings - and for some of the same reasons.
I was in the Naval Reserve for 23 years. When our kids were young, W had to fend for herself too much. I worked too many evenings and weekends. The extra money wasn't great, but it was a great part of why I stayed there. Like you, my W was proud of the fact that I gave up so much of what would have been my "spare" time to serve my country.
And, I was so proud of her for the sacrifices she made so that I could do so.
But, it seems like the only thing she sees about those days is the fact that she had to adapt to my absence.
I think that one of the reasons she wants to "teach" me is that she learned not to revolve her life around me.
My life revolves around her. To be honest, I don't enjoy my job, and only do it to make money for my family.
I was put on this earth to provide for my family. If I help a company set up it's financial system, it's a good thing, but 100 years down the road, it's my children... my childrens' children... etc. that will be my legacy.
But I still want that loving feeling (within me, and from my W) back.
I still hope it will happen. It may take a long time, but that's my goal.
Lisa, Andy-what you said Lisa made me cry-i want to read that to my Hfor him to see what this does to a R. The constant strain-the constant effort-it's tiring and takes it's toll on us all. There is a Beatles song about in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make-or something like that and I'm thinking there is not formula here-there is no sence of justice-I know what you mean about the innocense being stolen from you. I greive so much sometimes I think I will surely die from it-it's all so sad. Love should not be this complicated-I want it back the way it was when we were first in love and we were each other's everything. We lived to see each other. I always wanted it to be that way, and still do but something has been lost for you and I Lisa. And even for you Andy. What does it matter how it's lost if it's lost? I don't want part of my love to be lost somewhere-I want it back-every last bit of it. Rachael M.
don't cha think it's time for Duchess to hold a High Tea over to her place. We all need mega doses of PMA right now. Can you do some thingie w the computer that will get this party rollin'. . . (don't tell Duchess, we can have more fun if we don't behave as adults and surprise her, tee hee!).
*********** How many years have you been married? Remember to factor that into the healing. Your potholes may be deep but you'll find ways around them!
Andy, I am having a REALLY hard time deciding what to do about the cell phone bill thing. I know you said I asked for it, so get it,but then I retracted my request saying that since he was willing to get it and pay the extra expense of an itemized bill that I really didn't need to see it. My MC seems to think it would be a good idea to see it. SHe said that way we'll know if he's lying or just depresssed.Plus it would go along way to reassure me if her # is not on there....but if it is... I am torn. I am afraid to see it-afraid her # will be on there and what I'll do. What would you do if it was you?? We have C Friday-that is when I would ask him to order it. I feel so foolish going back and forth but I don't know the best way to DB here! Please help me on this one Andy! Rachael
What would I do if I were you? Personally, I'd drop it. I'm not convinced that it would reassure you.
But I'm not you. This is something that you have to decide for you.
All I can really say is this. Whenever someone asks if they should try something, I think there are two questions that must be asked.
1. Will it do any harm? and 2. Will it do any good?
In your case, the only harm I can see is that it will be frustrating for Adrian. I think he's really trying to regain your trust, but doesn't see anything he says or does making an impact.
Will it do any good? Only you can answer that, Rachael. Will it really put your mind at ease? That's not a rhetorical question. It's one that needs consideration, and only you can figure out the answer.
Thanks Andy. I know I have to really think this one out. We need to discuss trust issues ans not just pretend they don't exist for me-they do. What he chose to do corroded my trust fro him and he cannot expect it to just come back because he wants it to, or becasue he SAYS I can trust him. He lied to me for a very long time. Consequenses are: it will take a long time for me to trust him, he will have to earn it over time, and he may not like some of the thigns I need to ask him in order to start rebuilding the trust. Thus, the cell bill. WIll it make me trust him if her # is not onthere-no not totally, but it will help alot. STill, I'm not convinced its the thing to do. I keep going back to just let it be. TO let go of the need to see it would mean to him I trust him and he would want to live up to that expectation I would think. If he's talking to her its not nessecarily on the cell-it could be from his office phone where there would be no record. Bottom lin is if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. I would just like to know and not be in the dark if he is. Rachael
I know that coffee is a ritual that Duchess, you, and I share w our spouses. I'll tell you a truth. I wasn't a coffee drinker before this whole mess got started. I absolutely have to stay away from soda (used to adicted to the stuff) and we stop at 7-11s as we travel. The coffee ritual was created and maintained.
How do I feel? Have you viewed "Lord of the Rings"? There's a part in there where the Lady of the Woods (I can't remember her name but she's an elf and wanted the power of the ring) resisted taking the ring.
She said "I am diminshed and shall go into the west. . ."
I feel diminished 1 year after the bomb.
Andy, I went from being emotionally withdrawn and low libido, due to both thyroid dysfunction and marital conflict, back to the height of libido and a desire to be so emotionally present. It coulda been a glorious recovery if my spouse had held onto himself and been there for me.
I'm not angry. Sage doesn't even know; he can't see past his own drama. Maybe soon he will tend to his health and address the possiblity of active depression and hormonal dysfunction.
I think of your wife and you. I admire how you pulled yourself out of depression (I know so little about it, forgive) and you are holding on to your committment to yourself and to your wife.
The stage is set, she just needs to open her eyes and heart and be wrapped in love again.
I'm hoping her test results w be the key to her regaining whatever it was she is missing.
I don't think she will ever feel diminished by the way her husband receives her medical recovery. I think one day you will hear a heartfelt thankyou from her, simply because you are willing to keep on keeping on.
Sorry about last night. My intentions were good but I was exhausted. I hope you have a good week. Don’t fret. Things are better. I Love you.
W
I can't help but wonder sometimes, if your saga could have been averted if only Sage had someone like you to talk (or post) to. You've posted that you wished I could speak to Sage, but my "insights" came from the hope you've given me.
I know things will continue to get better.
I still hope that she'll "open her eyes and heart and be wrapped in love again."
IT probably WILL get that far Andy. My own experience when I was dissatfied in my M I was doing ALL thhise things that all the guys here post about. THe thing is most people cannot live stagnant for a long period of time. You HAVE to change. IF your wife is caught in some kind of sitch where she is, for lack of a better word somewhat indifferent to you with reguards to your feelings and her low libido she will eventually want to work through this. This can't be a cake walk for her either. I know she does not seem motiated alot of the time, but I guarantee you she is thinking in her mind of what she can do. SHe already has come along way by your own testimony-she's just not near where you want her to be. I hate to say this because I am not a patient person, but she needs more time. Obviously. Adrian needs more time. Sage needs more time. They have begun to move towards us-it took time. It's on our side right? I'm still not sure how that works, but it sounds good-I'll take anything on my side I can get. She loves you Andy-she does. Rachael
