andy, i emphasize with your feeling of loss. i adored my h. i admired him. he came from a home of 2 alcoholics. he did 7 monthes in a rehab program by age 16. lived on his own from a young age. became a marine and rose to the rank of staff sargaent by age 27. every sport he tried he excelled. everyone liked and admired him. he had many friends. superiors depended on him. so what if he wasn't home a lot, he was a marine. he had obligations. so what if he liked to party, he had a lot of stress, he deserved to let of steam. i revolved my life around him and was happy to do it. SAD. i felt so proud of him. he always told people he could never do it without me. then he threw me away. i was so in love even after 8 yrs, i was still in love, still got funny feelings when i saw him working in the yard. when he danced with our baby i got tears in my eyes. i held him close to my heart and always spoke so highly of him. all the while he was calling ow complaining he couldn't be his true self with me. he wasn't in love with me, wanted to be free. i held him back. yes, things are good now. yes he is in love with me now. claims he always was. he lost himself. his fear made him run. what happended to the man of integrity that i loved? i am not in love like i used to be, i do not look up to him. healthy? maybe, but i feel the loss. i am sad down deep even when i am happy. my innocence is gone. i don't believe in "true love". i don't believe that people are good or bad anymore. everyone can be "bad". scary and sad. yes, maybe i am a grown up now. maybe i am less rosy glasses. but i liked my world that way. i liked trusting in my h's love. i liked believing people were good. the price i paid for reality is loosing the unquestioned love i had for my h. sad that now he may actually deserve my total love, but i can't give it to him, it is gone. it will not ever be again because i know too much. so much loss with the gain. lisa
