Goodness!! While the cat's away, the mice certainly do play on my thread, don't they!?!

I'm glad that I gave you all a forum to chat. I've been away from here for a bit. Mostly, I post over on Surviving---although I haven't been over there much lately.

I've been trying to keep myself busy. I took off work a day and ran to Branson with a FF of mine---no kids---lots of shopping. We had a great time. I've been going to our high school football games with a couple of friends, and been doing alot of shopping for myself lately (something I haven't really done in a long time).

I've decorated the house for fall, and have bought several new things for that. Bought me a couple of new outfits, and ran out and bought a new pair of boots today.

Hopefully I'm not trying to fill a hole in my life by spending money. I really don't see that tho', just enjoying things that I hadn't really done since before my X left me.

It's been 4 1/2 years now. I still care about him--but I'm getting to the point where I'm not sure that I am in love with him anymore. There is a lot of time past, and a lot of hurt. Still, the X had the boys this weekend--but my son marched at the ballgame last night (I went--X didn't---but the X picked him up after half-time). H actually called me when he got there and asked me who was ahead--he could see the scoreboard and was sure it was the other team. (Our team is usually wonderful, but this year has been kind of up and down) I informed him it was our team, and he laughed saying he couldn't believe it.

Then the boys had a parade today that he had to drop them off and pick them up from (his weekend). I couldn't go because I work Saturdays til 1:00. Once again--text message telling me that they both scored 1's in their divisions.

He also bought a huge flower arrangement for me from my boys for my birthday. And he called and wished me a happy birthday. He said that the boys had told him that I said 'Dad probably will forget my birthday' (which I figured he would--after all, skanky's is the end of September--mine is just over a week later). He then told me that he would never forget my birthday (even tho' he has chosen to ignore it a couple of times over the past 5 that I have had since he's left).

Yes, it still thrills me to hear his voice. I still love to see his name pop on my phone. But I also feel sometimes that I need to stop caring---stop feeling anything for him so that I can move on with my life. He's still with the hag he left me for. It's been 4 years, off and on for them. I guess my mind says 'he chose her and you can't wait the rest of your life to see if he actually still loves you'. I mean, do you treat someone you love like this?

But I also have no desire to find someone new. I figure, if someone is meant to come into my life, it will happen when it is time. It would be nice to have someone to share my life with other than my kids. It would have been nice if it had been my H---but, I really had no choice in that matter.

And to tell you the truth, I'm not sure that I can get past all the things that have happened anymore. He chose her three times over me while he was trying to 'make up his mind what he wanted'. And I have to agree with those having trouble not picturing the X 'with' someone else. I'm not sure if I could ever get past that, even with the stop sign.

Anyway, thought I'd let you all know that I'm still lurking around. And yes--even after all this time--4 1/2 years--I guess that door is still opened a crack.

DNO