No snooping!! It's a rule that is very very hard to live by....but think it out. Is there any realistic info you can find that will HELP you feel any better?? Probably not....I accept that only pain can come from that. It'd be diffeerent MAYBE if your H acted as if all was well and you learned of OW. But you know your H is trying to figure out his life so backing off is going to have to happen if you want a future....plus who needs to know that kind of stuff???
All the experts here, and I am NOT one of them, say NO Snoooping and I have started to see why. Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
I would like to put my 2 cents in here that I have thought about for a long while now.
My mother and father divorced 30 years ago. My father of course was having an affair - which he later married the woman. My mother is remarried to the man that she had lasted dated before marrying my dad (30 years before).
My mother has been happily married for 20 years now and my father (married to the woman that ended his marriage to my mom) have now been separated for about 5 years and have not spoken at all.
I have talked to my father over the years and he has told me that my mother was the love of his life and that he had made a very big mistake in letting her go - but that he could not, back then, ask her to take him back because he was afraid of rejection. I think this was due to the fact that my mother would not have any communications with him at all for any reasons.
Recently, my step-mother has called me (I have not spoken to her in years) and told me that she had been thinking about me alot and wanted to know if I was ok. I told her that I was not - that my H had recently left for my "friend" of 35 years - and that I was totally devistated. She than began to tell me that the relationship between my H and the OW would never last. As her and my father's relationship had ended, due mostly to stress about 2 people being seriously hurt by their actions (my mom and her H), their relationship is doomed from the start. She stated that Karma is a wonderful thing in taking care of people who hurt other people.
Now mind you that my parents had no contact after the divorce papers were signed (no need as my brothers and I were already grown and on our own). The first real contact my parents have had since their divorce was unfortunately about 5 years ago when my younger brother died suddenly and unexpectedly that they had to be together to make funeral arrangments. My mom was very cold (she blames my father for his drinking problem that killed him) and he was very distraught. What I am getting at is that beneath all this I really believe that my parents still love each other in some way. My father's pride and guilt and my mother's pride and stubborness kept them - I think - from ever reconcilling.
Please leave at least a window open and first and foremost - take care of yourselves and your children. Even though we were older and on our own - the divorce still effected my brothers and I to some degree.
I guess I just had to put this in writing for myself and hopefully maybe some of you will gain something from this that may hopefully give you some hope. I know that I need that more than anything since I have not seen or spoken to my H in more than 4 months (he's not allowed by her orders - no trust I guess )
I read your sitch and I'm with you on the issue of your parents...pride can get in the way, but you have to remember, back then - it was the only way to go about things.
Indeed, it does seem like they still care, even though they won't acknowledge it.
Just hang in there, every story relates, but no one knows the sitch better than you.......
Goodness!! While the cat's away, the mice certainly do play on my thread, don't they!?!
I'm glad that I gave you all a forum to chat. I've been away from here for a bit. Mostly, I post over on Surviving---although I haven't been over there much lately.
I've been trying to keep myself busy. I took off work a day and ran to Branson with a FF of mine---no kids---lots of shopping. We had a great time. I've been going to our high school football games with a couple of friends, and been doing alot of shopping for myself lately (something I haven't really done in a long time).
I've decorated the house for fall, and have bought several new things for that. Bought me a couple of new outfits, and ran out and bought a new pair of boots today.
Hopefully I'm not trying to fill a hole in my life by spending money. I really don't see that tho', just enjoying things that I hadn't really done since before my X left me.
It's been 4 1/2 years now. I still care about him--but I'm getting to the point where I'm not sure that I am in love with him anymore. There is a lot of time past, and a lot of hurt. Still, the X had the boys this weekend--but my son marched at the ballgame last night (I went--X didn't---but the X picked him up after half-time). H actually called me when he got there and asked me who was ahead--he could see the scoreboard and was sure it was the other team. (Our team is usually wonderful, but this year has been kind of up and down) I informed him it was our team, and he laughed saying he couldn't believe it.
Then the boys had a parade today that he had to drop them off and pick them up from (his weekend). I couldn't go because I work Saturdays til 1:00. Once again--text message telling me that they both scored 1's in their divisions.
He also bought a huge flower arrangement for me from my boys for my birthday. And he called and wished me a happy birthday. He said that the boys had told him that I said 'Dad probably will forget my birthday' (which I figured he would--after all, skanky's is the end of September--mine is just over a week later). He then told me that he would never forget my birthday (even tho' he has chosen to ignore it a couple of times over the past 5 that I have had since he's left).
Yes, it still thrills me to hear his voice. I still love to see his name pop on my phone. But I also feel sometimes that I need to stop caring---stop feeling anything for him so that I can move on with my life. He's still with the hag he left me for. It's been 4 years, off and on for them. I guess my mind says 'he chose her and you can't wait the rest of your life to see if he actually still loves you'. I mean, do you treat someone you love like this?
But I also have no desire to find someone new. I figure, if someone is meant to come into my life, it will happen when it is time. It would be nice to have someone to share my life with other than my kids. It would have been nice if it had been my H---but, I really had no choice in that matter.
And to tell you the truth, I'm not sure that I can get past all the things that have happened anymore. He chose her three times over me while he was trying to 'make up his mind what he wanted'. And I have to agree with those having trouble not picturing the X 'with' someone else. I'm not sure if I could ever get past that, even with the stop sign.
Anyway, thought I'd let you all know that I'm still lurking around. And yes--even after all this time--4 1/2 years--I guess that door is still opened a crack.
maybe it takes someone else in our life, for us to shut the door. Or maybe it just helps....I don't know, but I am curious. And no way could I hang out for 4 years without dating at all....just know I could not do that. How do you? Have you tried meeting men at all? I have met some and eventually found one that was attractive and NOTHING happened....but it was really really good to feel that spark going, without a ton of pain landing on me, which is what happens when I think of WAH, who wants back in, under His terms....yep, I can see that it may well be easier to start over than with the ex and all the stuff we have to overlook....just wondering folks.... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
j--I guess we all date in our own time. My X was my high school sweetheart--together 22 years--as I'm sure many of you here were in that same sitch. I have three children with him--all are still at home--8, 12, and 15. Maybe that is some of the problem. The idea of bringing someone else into their lives. And also, opening my heart to the possibility of pain again.
Yes, I have been asked out. None of them have given me that spark. One that I did feel an attraction to quickly showed me that some men are just not what I need. He was one that gravitated from married woman, to recently seperated women. That was what he looked for. I guess the morals weren't there for me.
I heard the phrase just a couple of nights ago (for those of you who watch Grey's Anatomy)--I think it was 'you don't need a man to define who you are'---I firmly believe that and always have. Yes, I would like a man in my life---but I am not one to go bar hopping--I'm not one to bounce from man to man to man. I guess the person that enters my life is going to have to be really special to invite him into my life and my kids' lives. I have them to consider too.
No one has caught my attention yet. So I guess I am not ready, or that special someone hasn't shown up yet. I am in no rush, and am still busy finding myself again.
I hear you. FWIW, I've been M for 25 years, so (hence the display name) I understand the problem with just "starting over." Losing someone after so many years, feels like i'm losing an organ and I don't know if it's something I can live without, like an appendix, or if it's removal will kill me, emotionally. Enough time has passed that I now know I will be alright no matter what. But yes another man would be, among other things, weird.
But so you know, regardless of sparks/lightning/dynamite, etc. that is NOT the same as bringing a new man into my kid's lives.....nooo. IF and when I meet a guy I want to start seeing, okay I'd start seeing him---for many months before I would even consider having him meet my kids. Probably would take 2 things; 1) time, maybe a year or more, of dating, and 2) the belief that it might be a long term/permanent R and then, I'd introduce him to the kids and I'd give them some sort of "veto" power---if they didn't hit it off, sorry but the guy would have to go.....at least until the kids are all raised. But I think if the kids have a problem with a new OP in the LBSers life, it is likely for a good reason. Kids seem to want the LBSers to find someone so the kids don't feel totally responsible for our happiness, at least they seem to want that more than they want the WAS to find or have someone else.....so if the kids rejected my "candidate", I would want to know why. And I think they'd have a reason. They want me to be happy. They want me to recover from this...And at least one of them, d17, wants me to move on...without H.
I just wanted to share all this, 'cuz I am being mistreated and I am lonely. No big complicated situation....just how I feel tonight. It's Saturday night, after all. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
DNO, I so glad you posted. You're doing all the things you need to do in order to heal. Shopping is good for the soul sometimes, isn't it?
There "will" come a time when someone sparks your interest and I think you'll recognize whether he's a good man or not. Sometimes, I have "fond" memories of my X too, but I know I could never love or respect him again. Seems like you're getting to this point too. It's all part of the process and I'm so glad to see that you're not pining away for him but doing things for yourself.
) 
I really don't see that tho', just enjoying things that I hadn't really done since before my X left me. 