He just says he doesn't love me anymore and that he has tried for years. Why is he still sticking around and reading Relationship Rescue by Dr. phil if he is checked out?
...I was on this board 5 yrs ago when my xh and I separated. I did everything in the book and followed advice. I didn't want to hear anything negative. My x didn't follow thru with divorce papers and he hung around for 2 yrs. visiting every day, going to dinner as a family, but he lived in his own place. It wasn't until I read the advice on these posts that I realized, he wasn't coming back and he wanted out that I made the decision to file for divorce. It's been 3 yrs. since the divorce and now I have a clear vision as to why it was the best thing to do. Closure - you do your best to save the marriage, but the best thing is time to heal. No false hopes. My x did that to me and that's the one thing I will never forgive him for. We are still good friends. He remarried a yr. after the divorce and even had kids with his new wife. He is a totally diff. human being. And what's the most ironic thing is that he married a shrink...after he refused to go to marriage counselling because he said all therapists and shrinks were crazy themselves. Good luck and trust me, time will make difference.
Have you tried reading the Divorce Remedy book? I just started today and I have to tell you that it does give me "Hope". somewhat. I'm not saying I'm relying on it, but I have nothing else to lose. It's obvious that I've been doing the wrong things for the past 6 months. So I'm trying The Last Resort technique. I'm praying to God that this works. I have children with him and I can't bare to see them suffer like this.
me = 34 H = 35 kids = 3 worst day of my life: march 24, 2006 he filed: april 20 Present day: Wedding ring on, he's looking forward to another baby, taking day by day, we talk about our feelings whenever possible.
I can so relate to your situation. Our divorce is not final but the waiting period is over and we are negotiating a property settlement. We would be married 20 year on October 4. I miss him every day. We have been separated for 12 1/2 months. H is dating a friend of ours that he dated a couple of times in high school. My therapist said we have a distancer/pursuer R and that if I stop pursuing he will stop distancing because he will not like how far he is from me. It s the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel the same as you that someday we will be together again. However, then I wonder if I am fooling myself. My H did the mixed messages thing from the time he told me he did not want to be married anymore 2 1/2 years ago. We have two boys 19 and 17. He has distanced from them, too. He spends no more than 2 hours a week with S17 usually not even that long. S19 is in college and he is pretty angry with H but still calls him on a regular basis.
I still love my husband and cannot imagine not loving him or never being with him again. I have no answers for you only more questions and a deep understanding of how you feel.
Keep your chin up.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
I'm from Michigan. We moved to Texas 2 years ago. We just got back from counseling with our pastor. This time always makes me nervous,especially since the past is always brought up! Love kym
I am so sorry to see you guys here. I relate. But no matter what your WAS does or says, it may not be the truth. They are confused and must justify what they are doing. As the saying here goes, "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do."
It still hurts since we know we would never do to them, what they have done or are doing to us. I would never have left my H, let alone with the kids, for anything, let alone a job. But now that some time has passed and H no longer has a huge goal in front of him (like getting through his fellowship or passing his boards) he has reflected more. I'd say the same about OP. The WAS has to be given space to just think without pressure. The time to reflect has started to show in our conversations since I don't bring up our R at all anymore---very hard to do, but after getting so many painful answers I figured I had nothing to lose by staying silent. H bring it up most of the time we speak now. Anyway, H has pretty much convinced me that he does love me, and our children. Okay. So, maybe he's just confused and or selfish, or I am too bllind, etc. Don't know. But I am more forgivng and more patient than ever before and that was important for me. Really important. And I do have hope that eventually our M will survive. I cannot say what his R's will be like with our children and that haunts me. I fear that if H cannot re-connect, it'll either sabotage our M, or just cripple him and the kids. Hurting them has been the hardest thing I've had to forgive, and am still working on it...not sure if it'll happen. Incidentally, as you'll see below, forgiveness is essential.
The thing I wanted to say was about the 2nd time around. My aunt Rita was divorced for 5 years when her xh and she remarried. They saw each other at a family event, since they had 3 kids. They then had dinner, started to see each other and eventually admitted that neither of them had met another person worthy of m, and that the D did NOT make them happier. The 2nd time around was indeed better and more loving; and when my uncle died of cancer years later, she was there by his side.
My cousin Carl also was divorced and that happened early in the M in his late 20's and they had one child. There were divorced for 8 years!! Now they are back together (it's been 12 years since they remarried) and are happier than they were in their youth. It's deeper, and just better. So yes, I remind myself of those cases and I do have hope.
I know one thing both my aunt and cousin did thtat they had in common. Neither of them acted too crazy mean during their divorces and as far as I remember, they were fairly dignified during the whole ordeal, with a few episodes of anger busting out... I saw my cousin recently and he talked about forgiveness and how it (as in marriage) "just cannot work out if you don't let stuff go" that hurts. Meaning, we have to forgive or it IS hopeless.
Just saying that whatever happens to you, whether it is reconciling or moving on, it takes much more time than you have given yourselves. That's the bad news. The good news is what I wrote before and also, that your pain is not eternal and it is not fatal. You will get through this. It will get better.
Good luck, keep posting. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you for your kind words. I just wish the whole process could be sped up. I have been waiting for so long to get my H back and it hurts that he is with someone and I spend every evening without a companion. I do appreciate that I have to forgive him and even the OW (she was a friend so it makes it more difficult). It is easier to forgive him than her.
I am afraid I won't be able to get the picture out of head of H ML with another woman. But I know that I will get over this but I am pretty sure I will always love H. I just hope I will know when to let go.
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
When you start to think of H ml to another woman STOP. Picture a stop sign in your head and obey it. Seriously, it'll drive you nuts otherwise. Just don't go t here b/c it CANNOT help anything.
and btw, I had a "date" with a nice guy. He kissed me good night, and it was horrible. Worst kiss I EVER had and I'm including High school but the "best" part was when he said, while wetting my entire face with his huge tongue, (I'm quoting exactly what he announced) "AS YOU CAN SEE, I'M A GOOD KISSER AND I LIKE KISSING A LOT.".....unbelievable. My point is that I wanted to run into H's arms so much that night. Don't assume all new sex is all great sex.....don't underestimate the value of comfortable familiarity. If that guys' kiss is anything like what's out there, I will be having some long dry spells for sure..... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
