I am so sorry to see you guys here. I relate. But no matter what your WAS does or says, it may not be the truth. They are confused and must justify what they are doing. As the saying here goes, "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do."
It still hurts since we know we would never do to them, what they have done or are doing to us. I would never have left my H, let alone with the kids, for anything, let alone a job. But now that some time has passed and H no longer has a huge goal in front of him (like getting through his fellowship or passing his boards) he has reflected more. I'd say the same about OP. The WAS has to be given space to just think without pressure. The time to reflect has started to show in our conversations since I don't bring up our R at all anymore---very hard to do, but after getting so many painful answers I figured I had nothing to lose by staying silent. H bring it up most of the time we speak now. Anyway, H has pretty much convinced me that he does love me, and our children. Okay. So, maybe he's just confused and or selfish, or I am too bllind, etc. Don't know. But I am more forgivng and more patient than ever before and that was important for me. Really important. And I do have hope that eventually our M will survive. I cannot say what his R's will be like with our children and that haunts me. I fear that if H cannot re-connect, it'll either sabotage our M, or just cripple him and the kids. Hurting them has been the hardest thing I've had to forgive, and am still working on it...not sure if it'll happen. Incidentally, as you'll see below, forgiveness is essential.
The thing I wanted to say was about the 2nd time around. My aunt Rita was divorced for 5 years when her xh and she remarried. They saw each other at a family event, since they had 3 kids. They then had dinner, started to see each other and eventually admitted that neither of them had met another person worthy of m, and that the D did NOT make them happier. The 2nd time around was indeed better and more loving; and when my uncle died of cancer years later, she was there by his side.
My cousin Carl also was divorced and that happened early in the M in his late 20's and they had one child. There were divorced for 8 years!! Now they are back together (it's been 12 years since they remarried) and are happier than they were in their youth. It's deeper, and just better. So yes, I remind myself of those cases and I do have hope.
I know one thing both my aunt and cousin did thtat they had in common. Neither of them acted too crazy mean during their divorces and as far as I remember, they were fairly dignified during the whole ordeal, with a few episodes of anger busting out... I saw my cousin recently and he talked about forgiveness and how it (as in marriage) "just cannot work out if you don't let stuff go" that hurts. Meaning, we have to forgive or it IS hopeless.
Just saying that whatever happens to you, whether it is reconciling or moving on, it takes much more time than you have given yourselves. That's the bad news. The good news is what I wrote before and also, that your pain is not eternal and it is not fatal. You will get through this. It will get better.
Good luck, keep posting. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
