Hi everyone. I had a thread over here a time back, but I also had a thread on Surviving and didn't keep up with this one well enough. I still have my thread on surviving, but don't feel that I am getting what I need there. Most are moving on with their lives, and I suppose that I have too, to a point. Still, it's been 4 years since my X left--5 months since our D. I am having a hard time letting go of him emotionally. We were married for almost 20 years when he left, together 22. He has been living off and on with the bimbo that he left me for--the old hag--but also kept me strung along for quite some time thinking that he still actually felt something for me.
It really hurts when you finally realize that they don't care anymore--or at least just don't love you anymore. I think that I am finally coming to that realization--but I can't seem to stop having feelings for him.
I see him quite a bit. We have three boys--15, 12 and 8. But he doesn't really come around as much as he used to since the D. He has a new life now with the bimbo--and I guess the new life is just easier than trying to fix the mess he made of the old one.
Anyway, I've been feeling down lately--knowing that I need to let go of my past and move on. I just have no desire to date--and honestly when a man shows interest, I literally want to run screaming. I guess when the right one comes along, I won't feel that way....but I just wonder if I'll let the right one in. I feel broken. I am broken.
My X was at the house today. He has been helping me set up a swimming pool for the boys. He also had the boys all weekend and was dropping them off. He was here about 2 hours....but he talks to me very little. Sometimes I wonder how someone can just stop feeling anything for someone they were with for so long. I don't think that I was a bad wife, and I don't think that we had a horrible marriage. I think that things happened to him emotionally and he made some wrong choices--at least wrong for me--may be everything he wanted.
Sorry, rambling.
I guess I need to be here because I am trying to rebuild me. And since we do have the boys, I have to deal with him all the time, and need the support in doing that. It's emotionally painful for me to see him, because I miss him so much. I miss us. Don't know if I will ever feel what I felt for him for another man, and that scares the hell out of me. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life---but I never pictured it without him either.
