Rachel, know you've addressed this to our buddy Andy, but I was wondering, what do you think your H would do if you asked to see those bills? What are the possibilities of what he might do? Is he being forth-coming about other things? Ultimately, all that really matters is the quality of your relationship and that is built over time, slowly.
We've been at this piecing part for a long time with good and bad days (one was bad and frightening lately) but I still believe, we've had overall improvement. Here is a link at about the mid-point [our story] I imagine most folks here would have thought their problems were solved to have what I've had but it's still been rough for us. In our long journey there have been times when my H actually seemed relieved for me to think of something concrete that would help me feel better and build trust (especially in the early days because he really did completely cut off the affair). I was in so much pain and so weak that I wouldn't have been able to carry on without that reassurance.
My H very rarely comes up with suggestions for improving our marriage but is SOMETIMES glad when I have ideas (I always have lots of ideas--that's part of why he married me--one of my "doing something different" modes has been to stop with the ideas--that also has had mixed results! but that's another post). Anyway, I have not yet figured out many of the differences between welcome and unwelcome requests and some of my requests have been resoundingly rejected. Still my H was never one to be forth-coming so for him to say "no, I don't like that idea no matter how much you think it will help" is progress, very painful and worrisome at times, but progress!
Remember, ultimately, you are the expert on your situation and there seems to be a balance between holding steady and patiently doing what gets very slow but sure results and being brave enough to experiment. Finding your own way to get calm and centered so you wisely choose your experiments and are in a good enough state of mind to learn from them is the most important part but this is very difficult and you need to be very patient with yourself.
Many of my experiments have blown up in my face and unfortunately even though I'm not dumb, I'm slow to learn . We want to be sensitive to our beloved spouses but it doesn't help to be afraid either. We all need to find our solid selves, set and be true to our own limits, love our spouses the best we can and then let the chips fall where they will. We also need to respect that they need to do exactly the same thing if the relationship is to be authentic.
. We want to be sensitive to our beloved spouses but it doesn't help to be afraid either. We all need to find our solid selves, set and be true to our own limits, love our spouses the best we can and then let the chips fall where they will. We also need to respect that they need to do exactly the same thing if the relationship is to be authentic.