duchess, your explaniation was right on target. when i learned the lesson of detaching with love, my whole relationship turned around. it is sopmething i need to keep in touch with as it is easy to detach in anger. i am very guilty of that. i thank alanon and michele and all the great and wise here with helping me in this important life lesson. i am still learning, but at least now i am aware! lisa
Detaching is one of those words ( like divorcebusting ) that doesn’t sound right. I agree with the others that Duchess pretty much has it nailed down. I agree with her that responsibility/family comfort are not exclusive of loving detachment.
But detachment/attachment and dependence/independence aren’t black and white. You have too much attachment/dependence if you rely on one person for an extended period of time.
My W called me codependent at one point. How do you argue with that? What made it worse, is that it was true. She said I’d fall apart if something happened to her. This was also true. She said this as I was in the worst stage of my depression. I’d already fallen apart. Was it wrong of me to depend on her so much at that time? IMHO, it’s OK to be needy. It’s not OK to always be needy.
Having said that, I also understand that the OP isn’t always emotionally prepared to accommodate your neediness. My depression added immensely to her stress levels. She couldn’t cope with me and S#2 at the same time. She started showing signs of depression.
What have they done to the BB? ITs confusing-I had to use my password to get on this time, and I never have to do that. Andy. I was wondering why Adrian is doing some self destructive things, like taking up smoking, and now he does not fasten his safety belt in the car anymore unless our S is with us. What's up with that? Coud it be related to guilt somehow? I don't say anything, but I worry that he will get hurt. SHould I just keep my mouth shut and let it go??? Rachael M.
I haven't had time to really look around the "new and improved" board, but I suppose you've heard by now that they've upgraded.
As to your Adrian question. Why is he doing these things? I think it's just stress. I smoke, and right now, I smoke like a chimney. Seat belts? I suppose he's just feeling constrained right now. I don't know particularly why. Don't jump to any conclusions as to why he feels constrained. Could be work pressures or any number of things.
But definately just let it go. He'll feel nagged if you aske him about it. Even if you do so out of genuine concern.
I have so far to go in being more positive, more grateful, more strong, more able to "as if", more humble, more quietly confident, mostly need to figure out how to be more wise! Gotta follow the results! Glad there are folks here who are fighting the good fight that I can learn from.
So happy for that "I love you" you got!!!! You have operated out of a lot of faith that things will get better guess I should do the same and buy the house. Sure do wish we could level out some. I must figure out how to do that and get it to happen in our marriage. Experiment, experiment!
I feel for you for the remaining pain and hope both of you find the key that turns it off!
Andy-I am having a really hard time trusting my H. Its because the A was so long that I can;t bring myself to beleive he could cut it off just like that. I would really like to see his cell bills. I know he used to talk to her all the time befor enad after work and Lord knows when else. I want to ask him to see the cell phone bills so I know for a FACT that he is still not talking to her. He says hes not but he lied before I found out that he was having the A and when I asked him he said no. Now he says ther is no contact. How can I know if he is telling me the truth with out proof-you know how I am-I tend to obsess. If he could show me there has been no contact on his cell then it would help me a great deal to beleive him. I would get ahold of them myself but they are sent only to his office and I have tried to get on line, but you have to have a password. I jsut don;t want to be ina marriage whee my H is a liar and a cheat and me burying my head in the sand. SHould I ask him to see them? Rachael M
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