I know where you are bud, I've been there too. Let me start by saying it's not over until you quit, so hang in there as long as you want.
I too am in the Army, but no longer on Active Duty. Getting out of the Army is also no guarantee your marriage will survive. Nothing can guarantee that, but there is lots you can do to improve your chances, and it starts with you. Get the Divorce Busting book, open ou ind and read it. I also recommend Men, Women, and relationships.
For me, I just got divorced two months ago. My ex wife and i were married almost nine years. We met on active duty, and left a couple of years after getting married because we could not get the army to keep us at the same duty station.
We both later joined the reserves, and I promptly ended up in Iraq. She also came to Iraq while I was deployed, but she came over voluntarily as a State Department employee.
After I redeployed, she promished she would be home within 3 months. Well, over a year later she still wasn't home and kept extending. I later learned she was having misgivings about our marriage and was avoiding me.
I, like you, loved her more than anything. I still do, and would give up everything I own to get her back. I could not get her to go to counseling with me, or even talk about what was bothering her. She just wanted out. No talking, no explanations, nothing.
You wife is still talking, and that is a good sign, even if she keeps flip flopping on her decision. Let me make this perfectly clear. There is no amount of begging, pleading, persuading, or pressuring you can do to make her change her mind. In fact, those things will only serve to push her away.
You need to change your attitude for the better, let things progress naturally, and at their own pace, and understand she may distance herself further from ou before coming back to you. Focus some attention on the children, and demonstrate you care for them, and her by your actions.
I found myself wishing I had been killed in Iraq because of the grief, but I am glad I wasn't. While going through my divorce, My father was killed during Hurricane Katrina, and my mother was left alone with a destroyed home. Had I not been around, it would have been devastating for her. I was fortunate in that I travelled home just prior to that to talk to my parents about my situation with my wife, and because of that, I was able to spend about 6 weeks with my father before he died. Had I not been going through a divorce, I probably would not have gone home, and would not have been able to see my dad before he died. One small consulation in an otherwise bad situation.
You will eventually discover that there are a lot of benefits you will derive from the painful learning process you are going through. It will definitely change you. I definitely found the divorce to be more painful for me than my tour in Iraq. I'd rather do a combat tour any day than go through a divorce again.
I still have hope my ex wife will see I am still comitted to her, and will open a dialogue with me, but I cant put my life on hold waiting for that to happen. Much easier to say than to do I assure you, and you probably already know that.
And if you have to be stuck somewhere waiting for things to settle down, Germany is a great place to be. I spent six years stationed over there. Get out and build some experiences to share with your kids and your wife. Show them you can still be happy, and invite them along when you can. Your kids will want to spend time with a happy dad, not a despondent one. And your wife will be more attracted to a positive thinking man, than a depressed and unsure one. Not that you'll really be that happy or sure of yourself, but fake it. Forcing a smile will make you happier as people will pick up on your facial expressions, and be more relaxed around you.
Hang in there, and keep your head down. Dont give up. Recommit to marriage, learn the tools to improve your relationship, and use them. Divorce isn't the end, it's just a new opportunity to start over again. I'm working on it myself with the ex wife, and if I don't succeed, at least I've learned tons about myself and what I need to do different next time.
Just remember, with kids in your situation, she will never be out of your life, and you can't look down on yourself for failing. You didn't fail, your just going to the back of the line to to study your smart book and try again. :-)
