I go home in 31 days. At that time my wife will leave me and the kids. I have decided what I am going to do. I will have our children for 5 months and then I will take them to their mother. Once I do that, I will go back to Germany and I will take my own life. I have failed not only my wife, but my children and they do not deserve a father like me. I guess my wife is right. That there are better men out there and that they could be better father to my children. I mean I have to see my children and their life is going to drastically change, because of my actions.
I guess I am being selfish because I cant handle the guilt. But, I was thinking about it last night and if I got hurt over here, there is no one that would be able to or want to take care of me. The best that I can do is make it an accident so that I can provide at least the insurance money. My wife will be able to raise our kids in that big house that we talked about getting when I got out.
I feel useless as a man, husband, and father. I destroyed this, I messed this up. This is one of those things that you can never come back from. I heard all of the advice and read all of the information, but I cant move on. I just cant. Cheater, cheated, liar, I did them and I am the cause of not only my own destruction but that of my families. I have inflicted so much pain, but I cant take it.
