She is defintely leaving a week after I get back. I am keeping the kids for 4-5 months so that she can get on her feet and so that I can see our children. The other day I kind of laid down the law and she is holding it against me. I blew it. I dont think that this divorcebusting is gonna work. She says dont pray, dont hope because we will never be together again. When we were talking about the children, she said got mad. She wanted everything in the house. I believe that she does not care about me at all, that she really does hate me. Is this the end, is this the point that its over. My case seems helpless and hopeless. My God, does anyone have a time machine? I dont think anyone understands, I have to get get my wife back, I need her. I really do. I dont know about this time and distance thing. 32 days and I will be home and not be home at the same time. If no one has a time machine do you have a love potion, spell, chant, mind ray, something? Im cracking up, I really am. A year away and I go back to this. Man, this is f^_ed up. Sorry I am rambling, but these are just my thoughts. So, she leaves and goes to the states. Is it over then. The only good thing is there is a 6 month waiting period before the divorce is final. Through all of the fussing, fighting, begging and crying we did come to a solution on the kids and the property. We are both gonna be broke as hell. You know that saying that if you really love someone you gotta let them go? Well, that just sucks. Where is my wife? There were good times, there were bad times. There were times that were just boring, excitig, all of it.
You watch the movies and see those families that have divorced or the sitcoms that the whole plot is based on divorced couples? It all seems alright and everybody is happy? Thats bulls---t. Ive got to be able to accept whatever happens and be happy? Are you kidding me? That seems so ridiculous. I mean, what is this? The kids, dreams, the love, the marriage; all of that is over? Its not fair. I hate myself, I love my wife, my family.
Where do I go from here? I sure dont know. Which way is up? I dont know. Did I cheat? Yes. Am I sorry? Yes. Truly repent? Yes. Ask forgivenss? Yes. Did I get it? NO.
Where am I gonna go? I dont want another relationship. I want the one I had, with changes of course. I have to change. But all of this advice, in the long run is it a game? It's supposed to make me a better person. But, the bottom line is that, I want my wife.
Greedy, selfish,needy, whatever. Can someone, anyone tell me how when it seems so hopeless that they can continue? How do you keep trying when it's all against you, all of the time? When you just keep getting beat down day after day? No contact. Go deep and dark. It seems to me that if this is what happens, then she will believe that she has gotten rid of me. I mean this is all too fast. These changes take time. And its not just overnigth that Im gonna be able to bury my feelings and go on. The catch is that I am on a timetable. When time runs out, Im finished. You know whats funny, then I lose. And she has been calling me a loser. A dirty, f----ing loser. And how am I supposed to think any different. I have(had) a beautiful wife and she married me. Did she wake up and see me for the man that I really am? I dont know. Is what she is saying, is it true? Or, is she just saying things to hurt me.
Does she want to inflict pain on me? Or is everything that she says is it true? I cant even look at myself in the mirror anymore. It disgust me what I see there.
The hardest thing is going through this pain and her not caring. Her being the one inflicting it. Can any one tell the future, so that we can just go ahead and get this over with?
There has to be something. What we talked about made sense and it does. But everything that we discussed, she got mad. She gave me a timetable of tomorrow. So its not like I had choice of not talking to her. Is love there? How many people have had affairs and gotten back together?
