She called my mother yesterday. They spoke for a few miinutes and she says she wants her own life. She said that she still had not forgiven me. This is all from my mother and so I did not have ths conversation with my wife. She said that all of those things were nottrue that she said them to hurt me. My mother asked her not to hurt me while I was over here. That if she had to go to the states at least wait until I got back and we had time to sit down and talk about things. I dont think that she will do that. Thats why I think that she wanted me to call her so that she could say it over the phone.
I havent called her because I knwo that right now I am too emotional. And just the sound of her voice will break me. So right now, I know what you all are saying, I need to detach some of my emotional feelings so that i can talk to her without breaking down nd begging and crying.
Yes, I am still very scared. I do not know if this is a sign that we can work things out. I sncerely hope so, but as I have learned so far, hope is just what it is. There is no manual for this and being in the military there is no manual for a broken heart and forgiveness. It is so depressing, about 8 out of 10 people that I wok with are divorced. I know now some of the signs and indicators that I should have paid attention to, but I read an article on forgivenss and it made so much sense.
Today, I thought about what she could do that I would not forgive her for. Nothing. There is absoultely nothing that she could do that I would not forgive her for. Alot of people here say that if their wife or girlfriend did a particular thing that there would be hell to pay. But thats not really love then is it. I love her unconditionally. I can forgive her, I have forgiven her for every slight, insult, or down right mean and nasty thing that she has done.
I pray that she can forgive me. My wife's name is Kassie. When people talk about us, they call us Kas and Ant. I cant imagine not hearing that anymore. Or my daughter calling for mommy and daddy.
I dont know about anyone else over here, but for me, from the first minute that I got here all I could think of was the minute I got off that plane and saw my family again. That's it. What a fool I am. All the material that I have read, all of the advice I have received has told me in this situation to find something that makes you happy. I dont know what that is. I guess I'll have to find it. For me, seing my kids play, watching them fight, family movie night, shopping with my family, providing a comfortable life for my family, having the means to never have to worry about bills, clothes, trips. Waking up to got to work and looking at my wife and my children sleeping, putting them to bed, giving them a bath, driving in the car with the children in the back and my wife next to me, her reaching over and grabbing my hand, their smiles, being able to hold each of them(whether they were happy or sad), sharing in their good moments and bad, those are the things that make me happy.
I have been doing so much reading on relationships, women, men, and marriages and it has been such an amazing awakening. One thing that I read, that I hope is so true, is that GOD blesses the family. That HE is in favor of the union between man and woman. Like I have said before, I wish there was a manual, and I guess there is, The Bible.
Now dont get me wrong, I am not an innocent man by any means. And I am not gonna pretend that I do not hav any faults. Because I know that I do. And I guess, I am asking anyone that can tell me is this a good sign? Does this mean that she is having doubts or is she just cuting loose and is being gracious about it? I am not going to call her today or tonight, because I know that I dont have the strength right now to talk to her without crying is she says the same things. But, I eventually have to talk to her and I hope that it will be alright. You all have been so helpful and I know that I have been sounding like a big sissy. Thank you for putting up with me, but I am relying on you. Like I stated before, there are so many people here who are divorced and no one seemed to really want to bust their divorce. I hope that one day soon that I can post BUSTED. But, until then or rather if that happens I ask that you all pray for me. Ill still be posting here everyday and I thank you very much Matilda and grasshopper. I owe you all so much, you are saving my life. I will pray for each and every one of you, also. I know this was long, but it takes my mind off of things.
