Something I heard once about wanting to kill oneself that really stuck is that it is the natural response to a situation in which one's pain exceeds their ability to cope with it. Your post reflects the enormity of your pain - but it also demonstrates the rich life that you have. Everyone here has had trouble coping with their pain - because no one had the coping mechanisms in place to deal with their trauma when it happened. We all had to grow to encompass this pain, to become better and stronger. You too can use this crisis to become stronger in yourself by overcoming your fears.
Fear. That's, in my opinion, where almost all of our emotional pain comes from. We are afraid that we won't be able to love our spouses again. We are afraid that our children won't have families again. We are afraid our entire lives will be ruined. The fact is, NONE of this is knowable now. Our pain is caused by OUR choice to focus on one possible future, an extremely pessimistic one. We have the choice to determine our actions and feelings now. Focus on the present – what you can actually control. In a different context, I have no doubt that you have the ability to shut out “noise” and focus on something critical – this is critical in the military. This technique is transferable to your current sitch.
Without your personal recovery your marriage doesn't stand a chance. You can overcome this dark state of mind you’re in. Think of it as exercise. Your power lifting the heaviest emotional weight you’ve ever had the opportunity to before. Rather than let it crush you, challenge yourself to lift it. You might surprise yourself to find that you have a lot more strength than you’re giving yourself credit for.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
