I need help. My wife and I have been married for 6 years this June, we have 3 children 5, 3, and 1. I am in he Army and currently deployed to Iraq for the second time. The first time I was deployed here my wife was pregnant with our second child. Our marriage has not been the best of mariages and I have been mentally abusive. I have done everything that can be done to wreck a marriage. I have cheated, abusive, uncaring and I have lost my wifes trust and love. Not to be on the defensive but wife has done many of the same things to me. Including cheating.
Before I deployed last year we were under the agreement that we would get divorced. But after a couple of months we decided to work things out. I went home on leave and it was wonderful. I have never loved my wife more and I am willing to do anything to be with her and stay married.
But to be completely honest, when I thought my marriage was over and I thought I didnt love her I talked to the woman i cheated on her with online and she found out. That set us back and we went back to we would never be together again and she wanted the divorce. I dropped all communicatin with the other woman. In my mistake she hated me all over again.
But after some time and talking to her she relented and we agreed to work things out again. But soon after my leave was over she began going out with her friends. She explained to me that her going out was a way for her to release and to be have fun till I came home. She was introduced to single men and married men and her and her friends began going out. that drove me crazy when her and friends(men and women) began going out to clubs together. She would lie to me and tell me it wass just women she was going out and I found out it was sother men also.
I also found out that she was using ectasy and was smoking marajuana on a daily basis. I worried about my kids and I was sworried that she was sleeping with another man. I began to call her all of the time and then I began to accuse her of cheating on me. And off and on she would say it wass over and that she was gone and that she didnt want to be with me.
The last incident of this was 3 days ago and she went to my unit and demanded that they send her back because we are stationed in germany. She has blown so much money over the last 4 months that she has completely broke us.
But during those times that she said it was over rin the last 4 months a few days later she said we would work things out and that she loved me.
But this time, I dont believe there is anything that I can do to change her mind. Her mind is completely made up. She still picks up the phone every time that I call and she still gets online with me when I ask. She says for me to give up hope that we will ever be together. i asked her if she believed that I lover her and she said yes. i ahve assked her before and she said she didnt think that I really loved her. I swear to God and on everything that I lvoe that I have changed and am completely committed to making her happy and to our family. but she says that there will never be an us.
She has told me that she wants to be happy, home, money , cars, and a career. That she wanst to be with someone who doesnt just sit on the couch or never wants to go out and do anything. I have had the biggest wake up call of my life and all of the things that she wants are the same things that want. But she says she doesnt want them with me.
She wont entertain any thought of us being together. I have called and begged and cried. I feel so worthless because I have blown my marriage. I have really loved her with all of my heart for the entire time that we have been together but because of my own issues I didnt show it in any way.
She says that she wants to be gone by the time I get back from Iraq and that she is going to the states. The incident that occured was that I was suspicious of her behavior and I did not have any trust in her. So i called her friends trying to find out information on what she was doing. Her friends told me things and I believed them. I condfornted her with some of the information but I also held some back. I held some back because of the information that I was getting I thought my children were in a dangerous situation and I asked them to find out if any of that was true because I did not want my children to be in that. Bottom line, it turns out that everything that they told me was untrue and that my wife wants to take the children because she believes that when i get back I am going to take the children from her.
I have let my pride and jealousy get in the way of loving the most important thing in my life. She still talks to me but any time that I bring up trying to get together and work this out she just gets mad and hangs up the phone or she doesnt answer and she doesnt love me.
I love her with all of my heart, and people can change. I know that I have changed and that if she would just give me the opportunityto show her that I have. But, it looks like that when I come back from Iraq in 2 months tht my wife will be gone with our children. I live in Germany and I will not be able to see our children on any ype of regular basis because wwe had talked about it and I reenlisted to stay in Germany for 3 more years. I reenlisted in the Army when I wanted to get out becuase we had talked about it and it wass the best thing for our family.
I wont be able to go home when I get back because I used all of my leave becasue a fmaily memeber died and I had to go back home and used all of my leave time. Sshe has spent all of the money and we got her a new car that has spent any money that we will have. So that, I wont be able to afford a ticket to the states for quite some time because I will be making paymenst to her.
I love her and I dont know how to go on without my family. I beg and beg her for a chance to make this work again but she is not going to give it to me. Im so sad and I feel like killing myself so that i dont have to face these problems when I get home.
I blew it and I destroyed the very thing that I wanted in the first place. I wish there wa something that I could say or do to prove to her that I ama changed man and I am totally committed to us. But she wont give me that chance and I dont know what to do. What can I do to get her back?
Hey Spoonhound.....good friend sent me your way. First, I'm active duty Air Force. Second, truthfully, killing yourself won't fix anything. You know the briefings we go to. It ain't gonna fix nothing. Your kids, whether or not you stay married, are going to want to see and love Dad ALIVE.
Now...I know what you are talking about. I am 36 now and I was married for 15 years....15 years. I was deployed to Al Udeid for 4 months (Sept 05- Jan 06) and this same thing happened to me. It started to go downhill about 2 weeks after I left.
I'm not going to babble about what happened because it is almost exactly the same as what your W is doing to you. While this was happening, I lost a lot of weight...couldn't sleep at all, wanted to call home all the time just to HEAR her voice, to have a chance to talk to her. See didn't want to talk to me at all. It was like who was going to say something first and how long would the talk last. I tried to get home to 'fix' things but no luck...you know how that is. If it isn't an absolute family emergency the armed forces just says "Sorry...wish we could do something." My biggest suggestion is to go and talk to a life skills counselor. I don't know what they call them in the Army but it used to be called mental health or behavioral science. These guys or women are great counselors and NO info gets back to anybody. It feels really good to talk to someone and get these things off of your chest.
I felt worthless and down and sick and scared when my now EX told me she "just didn't love me anymore" and "just don't want to be married anymore". Needless to say, I found this website, some great friends and support here. It helped to put things in perspective. A ton of advice from people who have been there and done that. I really wish I could call and talk to one of the DB coaches but I just have not been able to afford it. You can still get through all this crap that is going on. Read the posts here, past posts, keep emailing and just keep your chin up. This is really hard and it is compounded by the fact you are in the sandbox and can't do s?%t to 'fix' things.
I know one thing that started the ball rolling for me was I needed to stay in touch with my kids. I thought I had been. That was a permanent change for me. I love my kids...hold them up high on a pillar. I just showed it wrong in the past. My two kids know now that their Dad loves them more than fishing, hanging out with friends, etc. I didn't give those things up but just put them on hold and dedicated myself to never doing what I did before and that was paying 100% to my two kids.
I am stationed right next door to Ft Lewis here in Tacoma, WA. I'll post more in about 4 hours, 1900 PST. I go to work then. Stay strong man...I'll help as much as possible...but killing yourself? It ain't fair to your kids...and your wife may piss away the SGLI before the kids are old enough to benefit from it.....so is it worth it? NOPE.
Spoonhound I'm an OIFII vet who got a Dear John while stomping the desert 40 west of Ramadi. Returning I begged for mercy and got justice. Was emotionally abusive also when I had a chance years ago.
Life sucks when you are paying the price of misdeeds. I know this well. I would recommend the book 'Purpose filled Life'. Also any info on controlling behaviors. Not to be a wimp but the learn to being a partner.
When you have life you have value. You signed the contract to keep our butts safe and that is value. We look at it as a job but civillians look at it with thanks and some awe. More so in non military towns. Even after the recent news in Iraq of abuse (I question a lot of that) there is no public outcry like Vietnam. Your efforts are appreciated.
Any attempt to end ones life is an extreemly selfish act where your Kids will pay for it for the rest of their lives.
Do a 180 on any self serving defeatist behavior, (takes a while and not is easy but worth it) and put others ahead of your immediate feelings no matter how dark they are. Long term it will pay off.
Best Wishes
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Thanks for the advice all. Last night it was really bad and I almost did it, I cant stop wanting to cry or either just breaking down and crying. I know that waht you say is true and I need to be there for my kids, but man I love her. I have always loved her with my whole heart and I just showed it in all the wrong ways.
She wants to return early from Germany and be gone before I get home. At times it seems like I can handle things and that I know that if I really love her, I have to let her go. I wish there was some magical solution to busng this divorce and I have found out the hard way that I had all of the wake up calls and warnings that Im gonna get.
Im just gonna try and take it day by day. It might seem weak but I dont know if Im gonna do this thing or not, but as of right now you all have helped me tremedously. Thank you.
Went to work today and thought everything was gonna be alright, but I started thinking about our conversation last night. I called herr intending to talk about money and the kids and she ended up telling me that this was the last time to talk to her. That she wasnt gonna answer the phone when I called and if I needed to get ahold of her for anything it better be important and maybe she would reply.
God, why did this have to happen. Im just so dumb and I read all of the stories of people wo still get to talk to their spouse. My situation seems hopeless and she is such a beautiful, smart woman that Im sure that she will be dating in no time. I want to try and call her right now.
I punched a wall until my knuckels bled the other day because I am so mad at myself. It serves as a reminder to me whenever I feel the paini in my hand not to try and call her. Im trying to give her space, time, and distance. Is there anyone out there has been through as what seems as hopeless situation ass this and made it through to be with their loved one?
No matter how bad it gets, tomorrow is another day. I know and can relate to all the pain you are going through. Please believe me when I say that it will get better. Time is always on your side and if you give it a chance you will be stronger and a better person for it even though you don't really believe that now.
Your wife saw something in you at one time that that made her fall in love with you. Is that person still there? I believe that person is and I also believe that the person is someone whose children already love and will continue to love for a lifetime. I know that I have come to love my dad more and more as time goes by.
You have so much experience and wisdom that you need to pass along to your children. Wisdom that as they grow older they will learn to appreciate more than anything in the world. Don't deny them that!
I know that You feel like everything is all black and white. Let me tell you that the world is made up of mostly grey. I guess what I'm saying is, you were a happy independent person before you met your wife. Granted, you don't want to be that now. But, you can and will be that way in time. Take it slow and if be there at least for your kids. You don't want to pass up on a chance to be a hero to some of the most important people in your life.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
Your sitch really pisses me off. It's not YOU. It's your wife. I felt the same way last year when Faraway was posting and his W was acting the fool (Sorry, Faraway). WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN???? YOU ARE FIGHTING A &^$#*%^& WAR!!
Sweetheart, instead of feeling so down I really would love to see some righteous anger rise up in you. HOW DARE SHE DO THIS TO YOU!? I understand that you have made mistakes and you are now realizing that and being half a world away your hands are literally tied but you have got to pull it together. I don't want anything to happen to you. Man, you have children that need their Daddy to come home intact. Mentally AND physically.
But also JUST AS IMPORTANT is the fact that no matter what your job is over there, there are other men and women that need you to have your sh*t together. Do you understand me? You need to focus. First, on what is around you! THEN, on what you WILL COME HOME TO DEAL WITH.
Honestly, what are the chances the military is gonna go ahead and send her back to the states? And even if they do, so what? You'll be back soon enough and can fight this battle on your own turf. Your job NOW is to do what you were sent over there to do and do it with pride to the best of your ability and also with the knowledge that everyone back here supports you and wants you and everyone else home SAFELY.
You can not kill yourself. Especially not in that God forsaken place. Your children deserve to have their Daddy for many years to come. And when it boils right down to the heart of the matter, THEY are all that REALLY matter.
Picture your kids at home looking at pictures of you waiting for you to come home, they love you, don't make a choice to destroy that.
Taking your life would be selfish, you want to show her that you have changed, start making your health your priority.
Take responsibility, Forgive yourself, pick your self up and focus on being healthy and happy, that is the first step. You need that, your kids need that, your collegues need that, and she will need that.
You made a mistake, we all make mistakes, hurting yourself will be a huge mistake. If you hope for her to forgive you, you have to be able to forgive yourself. Do that, forgive yourself and think about the things you dreamed about doing when you were a kid. Focus on a dream that is just about you, traveling, building something, what ever it is do it, find ways to bring yourself happiness.
Don't feel sorry for yourself and then want to punish yourself.
Do love (yourself and your kids), learn and grow. Do it.
