Need Help Staying on my Feet, PART 4

[Still_Standing]

Amy, your post bloodied my nose. I needed it though. I am still having the worst time removing my blinders from my eyes when I look at me.

So you're off to walk around that mountain yet again, I see.

Sorry, you lost me on this one. Am I off on a tangent again?

No. What I mean is you just seem to keep having to go back to the same basic lesson because you have not grasped it yet. Please forgive my, Amy, but my blinders won't allow me to see what the basic lesson is, but I will venture to guess that basic lesson is showing respect to others by validating their views instead of being defensive. Correct me if I am wrong. Don't get me wrong, I see a lot of improvement in the way you are handling things. Thank you for saying so. When dealing with my husband now, after my affair and in what I hope are interactions that will eventually lead to the restoration of our marriage, I never forget what I did that brought us to this place. I don't forget what I did, but I sometimes let the voices of the enemy's puppets weaken my resolve to continue to DB/DR my M. While I do not grovel at his feet, I HAVE been in that position and likely will be again before this battle is all said and done. There was a time in the early part of my DB efforts that he would make lunch plans or dinner plans with me and back out at the last minute. I wouldn't say anything, I would just be understanding (and then I'd vent here ). I have groveled at her feet and waited pitifully for any crumbs of love, attention, and affection that she might throw my way. Only I became bitter because of my unreasonable expectations of her when I needed to have NO expectations of her as that only set me up to screw my M up more that it already is.

Finally though, I told him to knock it the hell off. That I deserved to treated better than that. So I stood up for myself and it's been months since that has happened. He follows through now. But I think I had to set that boundary, let him know that while I was VERY aware of my mistakes in the marriage, I wasn't going to let him treat me that way.

I need to back off, give her space, show her respect, patience, and love, and GAL. After reading your post, I am finally willing to set my boundaries for my R with my W. I trust that will keep me safe and away from harming my W or our M any more than I already have. Bear with me please.

What I have never seen in you (at least communicated here) is that brokenness. When I first approached my husband once I realized ALL that I had done wrong (through the WHOLE marriage) it was not with one damn shred of dignity. I was broken in every way possible. For weeks it was literally all I could do to walk upright, the grief and the guilt were so heavy. I have never seen you down quite that far, to where the only place you can possibly reach your wife is through your humbleness. I believe that is why you still have the tendencies that you have to appear arrogant.

I have pinpointed the reason that my humbleness is stunted and my arrogance remains intact:PRIDE, PRIDE, AND MORE PRIDE! Living behind my facade of perfection so that others won't see my imperfections, or so I believe.

Are you asking me about respect because of my need to always prove myself right? Partially. Moreso thought it is your need to have it vocalized.

There I go again, blah, blah, blah. Thinking I am talking my way into being right and only talking myself into being more wrong and annoying.

I don't think of my W as beneath me, nor women in general. I don't like the path that my W has chosen and I don't appreciate her tactics in dealing with her pain and anger towards me3 This is what makes me say "HOW DARE YOU AFTER ALL YOU HAVE DONE?" yes, HOW DARE I, WHAT A JACKA$$ (JA) I SOMETIMES CHOOSE TO BE! , but I have no control over that except to mind my p's and q's when we are together and to do my best to respect her as my equal. I don't believe you see her as your equal. Sorry but that's just how I feel. No need to apologize. Sometimes you have to call a JA a JA! I am often upset with myself that I am not further along in my journey of self discovery and my efforts in DBing/DRing.

I realize she is acting like a teenager lately for the most part but I truly think you look down on her and her intelligience.

I don't look down on her or her intelligence. Unfortunately, I HAVE been sitting in judgement of her though. HOW DARE I SIT IN JUDGEMENT OF HER!?!?!? Again, d*mnit!

I'd look back even further in this case. Mostly I don't think much can be gained by revisiting the past, but when it comes to understanding why we act like we do, it's sometimes necessary. If I were you I'd ask myself what my father was like and how he treated my mother.

My birth father was out of my life before I was 5. My only memory of him is that he and my mother fought often and loudly. My dad (stepfather) was always very gentle and loving towards my mother, so I don't know where I picked up my sorely lacking male role model behavior. I'll keep digging. I do know this, I have always felt that I am not good enough and so I have always felt the need to prove that I AM good enough. But thoughts are much different than feelings and feelings are much stronger at driving my behaviors. I don't know, but I do know that I have a lot of digging to do with my C, reflecting, reading, here and through prayer. I am convicted to make myself the man the God always intended me to be.

But hey that's just me..

Yes, it is just you. And, BTW, I love it that you are so giving, insightful, and unafraid to dispense your thoughts and perspective. Thank you for your time, effort, and energy. You are helping me discover the real and true me more than you know. THAT is a gift that I will carry with me all through my days regardless of the outcome of my sitch. I and my children thank you, and hopefully my W will give herself the opportunity to thank you as well.

Amy, GH. Frank, and all others who have offered me their help, the more I post, read, digest, and re-post, the more work on me that I realize I still need to do to better myself and the more I realize what I did, and am still doing, that has led to the deterioration of my M. Self-realization is a real b*tch, and with that self-realization is my real sobering look in the mirror and the honest and painful assessment of, and my taking responsibility for, my role in the deterioration of my M. And with all of my loing-winded rambling, my humility comes, as does my overwhelming wave of fear that my W may not have it in her anymore to offer me her forgiveness and/or the opportunity for us to restore and reconcile our M. I pray that THAT is not the legacy that I leave myself with in my M. Thanks for listening (again!). Good night.