Need Help Staying on my Feet, PART 4

[Still_Standing]

In the end this evening, I am happy that I got my point across, that perhaps my W's view of me is not as accurate as she may think. Maybe. Who knows? I realize that I am STILL the enemy in her eyes.

After all that, I get that you were most concerned about being right. I don't remember if this is an issue in your marriage (been a long time since I read over your threads, lol) but I suspect that it is. I know it was one isolated lunch and that your direction lately has been all about "you" and being the alpha-male thing, but I think maybe next time you should focus less on how her point of view is "wrong", because really, that's what you REALLY meant to say when you said it wasn't as "accurate as she thinks", and more on just enjoying lunch.

---

Ugh! How is it that I can F-up a perfectly nice encounter/lunch with my W with my needing to be right when I KNOW that my needing to be right (and consequently needing to prove others wrong) is probably my most central issue in perpetuating my own unhappiness. D*mnit, others have such an easy time poining out my character flaws and behavioral gaffes. D*mnit.

If every time you two get together, alone, it's all about you OR her trying to prove who is right about something, ESPECIALLY something like a work thing, then what pleasure can either of you look forward to the next time you decide to do lunch, or dinner, etc.

Not much. I believe I can count on me to work on changing our interaction by changing MY actions. <forehead slap!> Doh!

I am just pointing out that you CAN choose your battles and recognizing that primal need you (and I for that matter) have to ALWAYS be right, even in a case where there is probably NO right and wrong, just a different perspective, is VERY important.

Point well said and taken. Thank you.

Understanding the genesis of their opinion MAY be more helpful to you than arguing about it, and once you go on the defensive, it's less likely you will find anything useful out.

A great perspective to have. I will try it on for size going forward, since being defensive and/or trying to prove "them" wrong hasn't been too productive for me.

His defensiveness QUICKLY became the major issue and his reputation went from simply making some mistakes now and then, to someone who refused to take responsibility for his actions. He thought about it but still protested.

I told him that he needed to understand that, again, from where I sat, watching all this, I KNEW he was for the most part right but his attitude and combative nature was making it MUCH worse. If he just learned to FIRST accept responsibility for what he KNEW he did wrong, THEN explain his side of the story, it would probably work better for him.

Know what? It did. He stopped making excuses and really LISTENING to what people were trying to tell him. He quickly realized that while they were not "right" there WERE good reasons for why they THOUGHT the way they did and once he figured out THAT, he was able to understand more about how to diffuse the situation.

I need to follow my own advice that I give to others. There is usually at least ONE other better way that I can handle any sitch. When I am knee (or neck, for that matter) deep in a sitch and feeling attacked, I do come out defensive, too strong, and with a poor attitude. I will work on stepping outside of myself and looking at a sitch from a outside of my own head and body for a different, less emotional perspective.

...no matter how "inaccurate" your W's or anyones else's perception is of you, there is something to be learned from it. That's not to say you take it to heart and accept it as "truth" but this idea that you always need to be right, especially with your W, needs to go, IMHO.

Yes, my "need" to be right, and consequently to prove others wrong, does need to go. Now! Ugh, more stuff for me to work on. Like I don't have enough already.

Other than that, congrats on your dinner party and I am really glad to see you getting adjusted to your new digs. Here's to you NOT having to be "adjusted" for long, lol.

Thank you, my friend. The get together was fun, despite my penchant for choosing the wrong "battles" with my W. I certainly provide enough material for ME to analyze full-time without diverting my attention to what I beliefs I believe others hold that are inaccurate (or, in "my"speak, WRONG!

I will drink to NOT having to be "adjusted" for too long. I need to get back on the DB/DR train track and stop diverting my efforts with my own selfish and misguided behaviors. I will.