Long time no productive comments from me... why start now, lol.
Seriously, the exchange you had with your W at lunch struck me...
Quote: In the end this evening, I am happy that I got my point across, that perhaps my W's view of me is not as accurate as she may think. Maybe. Who knows? I realize that I am STILL the enemy in her eyes.
After all that, I get that you were most concerned about being right. I don't remember if this is an issue in your marriage (been a long time since I read over your threads, lol) but I suspect that it is. I know it was one isolated lunch and that your direction lately has been all about "you" and being the alpha-male thing, but I think maybe next time you should focus less on how her point of view is "wrong", because really, that's what you REALLY meant to say when you said it wasn't as "accurate as she thinks", and more on just enjoying lunch.
If every time you two get together, alone, it's all about you OR her trying to prove who is right about something, ESPECIALLY something like a work thing, then what pleasure can either of you look forward to the next time you decide to do lunch, or dinner, etc.
I am just pointing out that you CAN choose your battles and recognizing that primal need you (and I for that matter) have to ALWAYS be right, even in a case where there is probably NO right and wrong, just a different perspective, is VERY important.
The fact is that for some reason, your W and others think the things she was saying were true. That's THEIR opinion. Understanding the genesis of their opinion MAY be more helpful to you than arguing about it, and once you go on the defensive, it's less likely you will find anything useful out.
Here's a story I have about a sitch at my work that may illustrate what I am talking about...
I know I have a guy I work with that is perceived as one of the biggest combative, mistake prone, irresponsible person in the company. There are people at very high levels that think this guy is TOTALLY incompetent. I have worked with him for going on 6 years now and being the senior person in my department by a long shot, and the one probably most likely to be a good judge of people doing my type of job, I can tell you that while he does have issues, he is FAR from incompetent. He is one of the best people I know and more than that, very good at what he does.
SO, what's the problem? Well, it's perception. A few years ago he had a run of several mistakes, many of which were things that ANY of us would have screwed up on, and a few that were just his fault. Management came down hard on him. His response was to become increasingly defensive and argumentative. He took everything personally. They were saying he was not good at what he did and he got angry. He still is to this day.
I pulled him aside one day and told what I thought the issue was. I said I watched this whole thing go down over the course of about a year and from where I sat, they (management) was wrong but the way he reacted only made things worse. His defensiveness QUICKLY became the major issue and his reputation went from simply making some mistakes now and then, to someone who refused to take responsibility for his actions. He thought about it but still protested. "But they are attacking ME. What am I supposed to do? They are wrong and I can't stand by and let them say those things about me!"
I told him that he needed to understand that, again, from where I sat, watching all this, I KNEW he was for the most part right but his attitude and combative nature was making it MUCH worse. If he just learned to FIRST accept responsibility for what he KNEW he did wrong, THEN explain his side of the story, it would probably work better for him.
Know what? It did. He stopped making excuses and really LISTENING to what people were trying to tell him. He quickly realized that while they were not "right" there WERE good reasons for why they THOUGHT the way they did and once he figured out THAT, he was able to understand more about how to diffuse the situation.
HH, I tell that story because what I am trying to get you to see is that no matter how "inaccurate" your W's or anyones else's perception is of you, there is something to be learned from it. That's not to say you take it to heart and accept it as "truth" but this idea that you always need to be right, especially with your W, needs to go, IMHO.
Other than that, congrats on your dinner party and I am really glad to see you getting adjusted to your new digs. Here's to you NOT having to be "adjusted" for long, lol.
