Quote: Sorry - to go back and rehash this - I missed it earlier.
What I have learnt, I think, is about control and unconditional love. I can't make my H love me. All can do is exercise unconditional love for him and hope he comes back.
Even if it doesn't work out the way I want, at least I will feel proud of my own actions.
We know that when you're in the fire, sometimes all that can be heard is the kickin' & screaming.
We're just making sure you keep it real.
I know. Thank you. Saving me from myself and my incessant blabbering. I do need to be reminded that the crazy thoughts looping in my head are best left there where I can sort them out, deal with them and toss them. I do tend to verbalize in order to rationalize to myself (and to others, unfortunately).
We know that when you're in the fire, sometimes all that can be heard is the kickin' & screaming.
We're just making sure you keep it real.
I know. Thank you. Saving me from myself and my incessant blabbering. I do need to be reminded that the crazy thoughts looping in my head are best left there where I can sort them out, deal with them and toss them. I do tend to verbalize in order to rationalize to myself (and to others, unfortunately).
D*mnit! See, EVERYTHING about my sitch has me overly sensitive and unable (or is it unwilling?) to discern friendly, good natured teasing. Ugh. Thanks for telling me, Amy.
Today I was not with our children but I had a full day running around in 115 degree weather. Not nice. Got a lot done though, and sweated A LOT. I miss our children so much when I am not with them.
Tonight I called my D to say goodnight (my nightly routine) and she wasn't very interested in talking to me so I said goodnight and let her get off the phone. She called me back when mommy was in the shower about 50 minutes later to tell me that she wouldn't be able to sleep if she didn't talk to me again tonight b/c she missed me so much. She melts my heart. Ahhh! That little girl is my sunshine. Just perfect. I have sooo many voicemail messages saved on my cellphone from her and I listen to them whenever I am down to cheer me up and lift my spirits. I have always sung the song, You are my sunshine to her from when she was very little and on several of my saved messages from her she is singing th song to me. I love that!!! She is so cute. Uh oh, mommy got out of the shower and D had to get of the phone RIGHT NOW! That's OK, tomorrow night is my evening with them. Hurray!
I am settling into my new place quite nicely, getting used to it. Much better than the hovel I was using at my sister's home. My own place where I can hang my hat, but it still doesn't feel like home. I know it will though as I get into my own routine living alone.
I need to rehang my clock (annoyingly slightly crooked) and hang my 3 Thomas Kinkaide pictures. Keep getting sidetracked. I am finally in the process of GAL. It's a little slow going b/c I am STILL in the process of getting settled in. Trying to hurry up though. Need to to move forward for my peace of mind. I'm gettin' there.
Well, thanks for listening. Work tomorrow. Can't believe it's already Sunday evening. My one day w/o our children flew by which is a good thing.
Quote: Did you mention W in that whole last post HH?
Yes, I did. Twice. Mommy was in the shower, then mommy got out of the shower and noticed my D had called me and D was told to hang up. Other than that, no. I'm getting stronger and expanding my world while GAL.
Today was another interesting day, to say the least. I got up this morning and went in to work. My day went well, not a particularly busy day. Finished up some stuff and returned calls. Around noon, my W calls me up and asks me if I have already eaten lunch. I tell her no. She then asks me if I would like to go to lunch with her, so we went to lunch together and had a nice time.
At one point during the lunch she asked me about a co-worker and why none of our vendors want to do work for him. I ask her, "Are we being truthful?" She says yes. I ask her, "Will what I have to say stay between us?" She says yes, of course. I tell her that I do not believe her. She assures me she is being truthful about keeping my disclosure between us only. I then give her my honest take on the situation. She does not believe me. I tell her that although I can be a real son-of-a-gun, and sometimes was, I didn't have ALL of our vendors unwilling to do work for me. Her response was, well, you are the son-in-law. Talk about a slap in the face. I was doing the job that 3 people are doing now. Lack of appreciation.
Later, I told her that her characterization of why I did not have the same response from the vendors as my co-worker was shortchanging my people skills, work ethic, and ability ability to get along with others. She often chooses to take one negative interaction and then make a blanket statement about how I [i]ALWAYS have negative interactions with vendors/owners/residents.
I told her that I actually interact with owners, residents and vendors all day long and the vast majority of my interactions are extremely postive and productive. Furthermore, I get all of the difficult interactions from co-workers b/c I DO handle difficult people/situations well, including my W's! She then tells me, "Well, I don't follow you around all day, so...." I can't win for losin' with her. I ended the conversation by saying, "Rather than going backwards, would you be willing to point out an interaction that you witness that I have with someone that did not go according to your satisfaction/expectation?" She said she would. I said, OK, good, good night. Interacting with her is so difficult when she wants it to be. My C told me last week that my W is EXPERT at saying things that will set off a reaction in me. That is so true. As Amy said, soon I will be able to see the grenades being lobbed and be adept at avoiding any emotional damage. I'm gettin' there. Still gettin' hit though. Disappointed in me for not moving out of the way faster. Workin' on anticipation and reflexes.
In the end this evening, I am happy that I got my point across, that perhaps my W's view of me is not as accurate as she may think. Maybe. Who knows? I realize that I am STILL the enemy in her eyes.
Today is Monday and it is my evening with our children. My W was telling me how much she misses our children because she has been working so much and I asked her if she'd like to come over and have dinner with us. She himmed and hawed (sp?) and I told her if she wanted to come over for dinner that would be great, but I needed to know how much food to make. She then said she wanted to know what we were having for dinner and when I told her she balked. I told her, you are now uninvited. We'll have dinner and spend the evening together and without you. She then told me, "You already invited me." I told her, I can uninvite you in the same way you uninvite me and I can also tell her when I have had enough of you being over when you come to MY place, as you do to me. She kept up with the, "You already invited me." Of course, I gave in. I met her at her house to get our children.
Our babysitter came over when I got there. She came over with her little brother and her niece. Her niece said that our children don't look anything like me. Our babysitter said that EVERYONE, including her parents, says that they look JUST LIKE me. THAT does annoy my W. The niece also made a comment that tonight was the first time that she has ever seen me and my W in the house together at the same time. It was a nice interaction with all.
I left to go get Chinese food. I then got a call that everyone, including the babysitter and clan, was coming over to my place to eat, which was great! Everyone looked around my place and D5 gave a tour. We all ate and my W and our babysitter hung my 3 picures and my clock for me. At one point, my W wanted to switch which pictures hung on which walls. I simply said, no, I want the pictures on the walls that I alread asked you to hang them on. She said why? I responded, because it's MY place, so please.... She did. My place looks finished now. AND, I had my first guests, other than family tonight. Very nice. Almost like home.
Well, I am feeling like GAL is w/in grasp. Just gotta keep on keepin' on! I am working that way. All is feeling more comfortable and workable for me. I'm feeling stronger and more capable in my life and in my R everyday. My goal is to make myself happy, healthy and whole regardless of the outcome of my M. I would love to reconcile, but if we don't, I will do great with our two children. I am laying the groundwork to be the man that God always intended for me to be.
Well, I am done journaling for tonight. I am happy that the day went the way that it did. Lots of great happenings. My W invited me to lunch. She accepted my invitation to my place for dinner w/ our children. She hung my pictures where I wanted them hung. We got along great, for the most part.
Not sure if that is progress from the M standpoint, but it is progress from OR standpoint. I'll see what tomorrow brings. Probably nothing new. Another Taekwondo lesson though. NICE!
Long time no productive comments from me... why start now, lol.
Seriously, the exchange you had with your W at lunch struck me...
Quote: In the end this evening, I am happy that I got my point across, that perhaps my W's view of me is not as accurate as she may think. Maybe. Who knows? I realize that I am STILL the enemy in her eyes.
After all that, I get that you were most concerned about being right. I don't remember if this is an issue in your marriage (been a long time since I read over your threads, lol) but I suspect that it is. I know it was one isolated lunch and that your direction lately has been all about "you" and being the alpha-male thing, but I think maybe next time you should focus less on how her point of view is "wrong", because really, that's what you REALLY meant to say when you said it wasn't as "accurate as she thinks", and more on just enjoying lunch.
If every time you two get together, alone, it's all about you OR her trying to prove who is right about something, ESPECIALLY something like a work thing, then what pleasure can either of you look forward to the next time you decide to do lunch, or dinner, etc.
I am just pointing out that you CAN choose your battles and recognizing that primal need you (and I for that matter) have to ALWAYS be right, even in a case where there is probably NO right and wrong, just a different perspective, is VERY important.
The fact is that for some reason, your W and others think the things she was saying were true. That's THEIR opinion. Understanding the genesis of their opinion MAY be more helpful to you than arguing about it, and once you go on the defensive, it's less likely you will find anything useful out.
Here's a story I have about a sitch at my work that may illustrate what I am talking about...
I know I have a guy I work with that is perceived as one of the biggest combative, mistake prone, irresponsible person in the company. There are people at very high levels that think this guy is TOTALLY incompetent. I have worked with him for going on 6 years now and being the senior person in my department by a long shot, and the one probably most likely to be a good judge of people doing my type of job, I can tell you that while he does have issues, he is FAR from incompetent. He is one of the best people I know and more than that, very good at what he does.
SO, what's the problem? Well, it's perception. A few years ago he had a run of several mistakes, many of which were things that ANY of us would have screwed up on, and a few that were just his fault. Management came down hard on him. His response was to become increasingly defensive and argumentative. He took everything personally. They were saying he was not good at what he did and he got angry. He still is to this day.
I pulled him aside one day and told what I thought the issue was. I said I watched this whole thing go down over the course of about a year and from where I sat, they (management) was wrong but the way he reacted only made things worse. His defensiveness QUICKLY became the major issue and his reputation went from simply making some mistakes now and then, to someone who refused to take responsibility for his actions. He thought about it but still protested. "But they are attacking ME. What am I supposed to do? They are wrong and I can't stand by and let them say those things about me!"
I told him that he needed to understand that, again, from where I sat, watching all this, I KNEW he was for the most part right but his attitude and combative nature was making it MUCH worse. If he just learned to FIRST accept responsibility for what he KNEW he did wrong, THEN explain his side of the story, it would probably work better for him.
Know what? It did. He stopped making excuses and really LISTENING to what people were trying to tell him. He quickly realized that while they were not "right" there WERE good reasons for why they THOUGHT the way they did and once he figured out THAT, he was able to understand more about how to diffuse the situation.
HH, I tell that story because what I am trying to get you to see is that no matter how "inaccurate" your W's or anyones else's perception is of you, there is something to be learned from it. That's not to say you take it to heart and accept it as "truth" but this idea that you always need to be right, especially with your W, needs to go, IMHO.
Other than that, congrats on your dinner party and I am really glad to see you getting adjusted to your new digs. Here's to you NOT having to be "adjusted" for long, lol.
Quote: In the end this evening, I am happy that I got my point across, that perhaps my W's view of me is not as accurate as she may think. Maybe. Who knows? I realize that I am STILL the enemy in her eyes.
After all that, I get that you were most concerned about being right. I don't remember if this is an issue in your marriage (been a long time since I read over your threads, lol) but I suspect that it is. I know it was one isolated lunch and that your direction lately has been all about "you" and being the alpha-male thing, but I think maybe next time you should focus less on how her point of view is "wrong", because really, that's what you REALLY meant to say when you said it wasn't as "accurate as she thinks", and more on just enjoying lunch.
Ugh! How is it that I can F-up a perfectly nice encounter/lunch with my W with my needing to be right when I KNOW that my needing to be right (and consequently needing to prove others wrong) is probably my most central issue in perpetuating my own unhappiness. D*mnit, others have such an easy time poining out my character flaws and behavioral gaffes. D*mnit.
Quote: If every time you two get together, alone, it's all about you OR her trying to prove who is right about something, ESPECIALLY something like a work thing, then what pleasure can either of you look forward to the next time you decide to do lunch, or dinner, etc.
Not much. I believe I can count on me to work on changing our interaction by changing MY actions. <forehead slap!> Doh!
Quote: I am just pointing out that you CAN choose your battles and recognizing that primal need you (and I for that matter) have to ALWAYS be right, even in a case where there is probably NO right and wrong, just a different perspective, is VERY important.
Point well said and taken. Thank you.
Quote: Understanding the genesis of their opinion MAY be more helpful to you than arguing about it, and once you go on the defensive, it's less likely you will find anything useful out.
A great perspective to have. I will try it on for size going forward, since being defensive and/or trying to prove "them" wrong hasn't been too productive for me.
Quote: His defensiveness QUICKLY became the major issue and his reputation went from simply making some mistakes now and then, to someone who refused to take responsibility for his actions. He thought about it but still protested.
I told him that he needed to understand that, again, from where I sat, watching all this, I KNEW he was for the most part right but his attitude and combative nature was making it MUCH worse. If he just learned to FIRST accept responsibility for what he KNEW he did wrong, THEN explain his side of the story, it would probably work better for him.
Know what? It did. He stopped making excuses and really LISTENING to what people were trying to tell him. He quickly realized that while they were not "right" there WERE good reasons for why they THOUGHT the way they did and once he figured out THAT, he was able to understand more about how to diffuse the situation.
I need to follow my own advice that I give to others. There is usually at least ONE other better way that I can handle any sitch. When I am knee (or neck, for that matter) deep in a sitch and feeling attacked, I do come out defensive, too strong, and with a poor attitude. I will work on stepping outside of myself and looking at a sitch from a outside of my own head and body for a different, less emotional perspective.
Quote: ...no matter how "inaccurate" your W's or anyones else's perception is of you, there is something to be learned from it. That's not to say you take it to heart and accept it as "truth" but this idea that you always need to be right, especially with your W, needs to go, IMHO.
Yes, my "need" to be right, and consequently to prove others wrong, does need to go. Now! Ugh, more stuff for me to work on. Like I don't have enough already.
Quote: Other than that, congrats on your dinner party and I am really glad to see you getting adjusted to your new digs. Here's to you NOT having to be "adjusted" for long, lol.
Thank you, my friend. The get together was fun, despite my penchant for choosing the wrong "battles" with my W. I certainly provide enough material for ME to analyze full-time without diverting my attention to what I beliefs I believe others hold that are inaccurate (or, in "my"speak, WRONG!
I will drink to NOT having to be "adjusted" for too long. I need to get back on the DB/DR train track and stop diverting my efforts with my own selfish and misguided behaviors. I will.
I do need to be reminded that the crazy thoughts looping in my head are best left there where I can sort them out, deal with them and toss them. I do tend to verbalize in order to rationalize to myself (and to others, unfortunately).
See, EVERYTHING about my sitch has me overly sensitive and unable (or is it unwilling?) to discern friendly, good natured teasing. Ugh. Thanks for telling me, Amy. 
Not nice. Got a lot done though, and sweated A LOT. I miss our children so much when I am not with them.
That little girl is my sunshine. Just perfect. I have sooo many voicemail messages saved on my cellphone from her and I listen to them whenever I am down to cheer me up and lift my spirits. I have always sung the song, You are my sunshine to her from when she was very little and on several of my saved messages from her she is singing th song to me. I love that!!! She is so cute. Uh oh, mommy got out of the shower and D had to get of the phone RIGHT NOW! 
Hurray!