I am sorry to meet you in this forum but happy that you have come here for (hopefully) understanding, guidance, personal growth, patience, perspective....
Quote: I was interested in your discussion on control when my H and I went to counselling the counsellor asked who has the power in your relationship and with both pointed to the other person - and she said that was often the case with seperating couples. My H believed I had the control because in the beginning I probably did - I Loved him but I was a much stronger person and would have walked away if I felt I was not going to live the life I wanted. He adored me and felt if he was going to keep me in his life he needed to make me happy - bizarrely we both thought this was a reasonable concept WTF!
Bizarrely, your R sounds much like mine. My W was stronger in the beginning and surrounded herself with friends and being out doing things with them more than nurturing her M. I always felt I was 4th fiddle in her life (no, not 2nd, not 3rd, 4th). My wife told me at least a dozen times during our M that she wanted a D and asked me to move out at least 1/2 a dozen times. So, my W was also one who made it clear that she would walk if she didn't get her way Dummy me, I didn't call her on that or walk myself.
Quote: Any way I pushed my "power" too far (albeit he didn't tell me things had changed from his perspective ie how much hurt/insecurity he was feeling - he just shut down to me)
I won't discuss the he did/she did stuff between us too much right now. I will say that my W maintains that she always gave 110% to our M from day one and that I am 99% of the problem in our M. See a slight problem there? I did and do. Everyone who knows us both would say that those percentages should have been attributed to the other S.
I tried to discuss my wants/needs with her and the response was, "That's YOUR sh*t! I can't do anything about that." Needless to say, I stopped trying to reach out and instead of being more persistent or leaving the R, I chose the cowardly way of cheating on her to attain what I craved: adoration, appreciation, affirmation, and affection, ALL of which were severely lacking in our M. To further deteriorate our M, I was convinced that my W just didn't give a sh*t about being M to me and wanted out. I am not so sure that that wasn't an accurate take on her state of mind.
Yes, I know that looking outside of my M for those A's was like mining for fools gold trying to get rich. Yes, I know I was wrong. Yes, I feel terrible, but I can't take it back. Unfortunately, I have atoned as much as I possibly am able and have tried to make amends, but she is unwilling to forgive me for my betrayal. To make matters worse, we have two children and our D5 is terribly torn up about all of this and my W is off in lala land not paying any attention b/c she has surrounded herself with "man hater" girlfriends who love the new "teenager" wife and all of her irresponsibility b/c she is more available to them to be the "fun girl" instead of the responsible mother of two. on top of all of that, those manhaters fill my W's head with all kinds of BS about children and the effects of D on them, or according to them, the lack of effect on children. Sad to say, but EVERYTHING I have read about children and divorce is that D is a life defining time; VERY traumatic with LONG lasting negative effects. THAT is why I focus on doting on my children as much as I do and I am often told I am too accomodating to my W with regard to taking our children when W needs me to have them on my "off" days/time. But I digress....
Quote: When I realised what had happened I knew how much I wanted him in my life and he now effectively had the power but he never realised this changed dynamic so consequently we spent the next three years both feeling powerless, believing the other one held all the power.
At this point, I am working on GAL and distancing myself from her emotionally, but am having real difficulty b/c I see her 4-6 times per week to exchange our children and I also see her at the office. I am working on me now b/c I have 100% control over me even though I often don't feel like I do. But I force myself to get off the pity pot and put one foot in front of the other. Right now, I feel like she has the power b/c I am just now getting my feet on firm footing to be, again, the man I once was when we met. I lost myself in our M trying to make her happy. If she was happy, I was happy. If she was unhappy, I thought I did something wrong. WTF?!?!? Not healthy. We morphed our love into a co-dependent relationship and I am only now seeing that and working my way out of and back into being the strong, independent man I am in every other aspect of my life.
Quote: Do you think Control and power are interchangeable terms or do you think they are different?
Yes, I believe they are the same. From Merriam-Webster:
Control= 2: to exercise restraining or directing influence over: to have POWER over...
Sorry for being so darn long-winded in answering your question. I tend to do that.
