Quote: Well, I have changed my mind. I will take care of me and our children now. She is an adult. She needs to realize the impact of being D before we go all the way through that door.
Schools open.
To realize 'the impact' she has to LEARN how it feels. Schools open and you are the professor.
I can be a bit dense sometimes, Frank, I hate to admit, but what exactly does that mean? For me, for her, for both of us? Sorry.
More journaling: 7/20/06 My W asked me earlier tonight if she could come over and see the kids (my night) because she didn't see them last night (plans apparently), tonight, or tomorrow night (her Bunco night). Also, she has been working during the day to make her D plans a possibility, as she is dead set against making her M work.
Anyway, she came over and the evening was fine. We enjoyed the kids together. She commented on a clock I purchased for my place again, about how much she really liked it. I told her, you probably didn't know this about me but I actually have VERY good taste. She responded, I know. She also comented on a picture that a Thomas Kinkaide picture which she allowed me to take was quite nice and she may want it back. I simply told her, nope, it's going in my dining room.
As the evening went on, my D5 began to misbehave b/c she was tired and didn't get to bed on time (mommy came over tonight). As I was disciplining my child, my W was undermining me and I simply asked her to NOT undermine me in front of our children. I assured her that I would always listen to her, but not when I was in the middle of dealing with a situation and certainly NOT in view of our children. She relented and I resolved the situation with our D5 firmly and lovingly.
My W then tells me about our D5's babysitter and the babysitter's family and my W'S concerns. W and I didn't get to finish the convo b/c D5 wa still up. Then, my W needed to leave all of a sudden. I simply said, "Later."
After she left, I called to tell her that we didn't resolve how to deal with the serious issue we discussed earlier. My W acted like she had NO idea what unresolved issue I was talking about from earlier. I asked her how many important unresolved issues we had discussed earlier and she admitted only one.
I believe she is in my life at this point to teach me to exercise grace and patience. She often seems to get lost in what I deem a logical sequence of thoughts. Perhaps it's me. I don't know. I know that I don't have s similar problem with anyone else that I speak with on a daily basis and I talk for a living. Hmmm....
Regardless, I told her during that last conversation that we didn't resolve how we were going to proceed with dealing with our babysitter and her family. I told her, we need to discuss and decide on a plan, but the ball is in your (her) court and if I don't hear from you (her), then I will assume that you don't want to do anything, OK? She tells me that we need to talk about this and I again told her to let me know when she is available to discuss the issue. She said she would, we'll see. My bet is that she won't.
I am settling into my home and getting to feel "at home" and more comfortable here. I collected all of my belongiings from my sisters house and put it all in my new place with a "shoehorn", as I like to say. I have done my grocery shopping, household shopping, children stuff shopping, made meals, etc. You know, making it my actual home. It's a nice feeling to have a place to lay my hat down.
I had my 3rd interview, this time with the director of marketing. The inteview went well. I'll know next TH or before. We'll see. Additionally, the two prevous jobs I turned dow have both been in contact with me about working for them. Another miracle. I would still love for oe more miracle though.
Thanks for listening. Too much about her and not enough about me, I know.
FINALLY some real progress. You're doing VERY well my friend. I knew Frank could work his magic with you. Not that we didn't help but if you actually take the time to read his story there is SO much to be learned.
You ARE learning and yes, school's open for both you, to learn all you can about yourself, and your W, to fully understand the ramifications of her actions since she seems so hellbent on them.
Keep it up. Oh, and you know that "pat myself on the back" thing I said I always detected in your posts... it's gone now.
Quote: She also comented on a picture that a Thomas Kinkaide picture which she allowed me to take was quite nice and she may want it back. I simply told her, nope, it's going in my dining room.
Oh Yeah!
Quote: As the evening went on, my D5 began to misbehave b/c she was tired and didn't get to bed on time (mommy came over tonight). As I was disciplining my child, my W was undermining me and I simply asked her to NOT undermine me in front of our children. I assured her that I would always listen to her, but not when I was in the middle of dealing with a situation and certainly NOT in view of our children.
Brilliant, respectful and very alpha male.
Quote: I believe she is in my life at this point to teach me to exercise grace and patience. She often seems to get lost in what I deem a logical sequence of thoughts. Perhaps it's me. I don't know. I know that I don't have s similar problem with anyone else that I speak with on a daily basis and I talk for a living. Hmmm....
I think you are right.
Quote: I had my 3rd interview, this time with the director of marketing. The inteview went well. I'll know next TH or before. We'll see. Additionally, the two prevous jobs I turned dow have both been in contact with me about working for them. Another miracle. I would still love for oe more miracle though.
Then keep thinking that it can happen. YOU are making these miracles happen. WHatever happens will be because of what YOU do.
Quote: She also comented on a picture that a Thomas Kinkaide picture which she allowed me to take was quite nice and she may want it back. I simply told her, nope, it's going in my dining room.
Oh Yeah!
THAT was certainly not more of the same. I am working on msking similar responses in other scenarios with her. My biggest challenge is in always feeling like my W was criticizing/measuring me. I find myself still reacting to her remarks because I have conditioned myself to believing her remarks to me are just that: critical, measuring, judging. My W, to this day, still tells me that that is always how I felt about I was treated by her, and THAT was just not true, despite how I felt. My response was always , well maybe taking a look at how you treat me would be worthwile. Right now I am taking a hard look at the other side of the coin, that maybe taking a look at how I reacted to her treatment of me was, maybe, more of the problem than what she was actually doing/saying. That is difficult for me to sort out right now. I'd like to think that I am right in my thinking and in my assessment of our interactions, but at this point I'd much rather be happy than right.
Quote:
Quote: As the evening went on, my D5 began to misbehave b/c she was tired and didn't get to bed on time (mommy came over tonight). As I was disciplining my child, my W was undermining me and I simply asked her to NOT undermine me in front of our children. I assured her that I would always listen to her, but not when I was in the middle of dealing with a situation and certainly NOT in view of our children.
Brilliant, respectful and very alpha male.
Thank you so much. It felt awkward to respond forcefully and respectfully. But after I did it, it felt right; alpha male, I like that. I was happy I did that. Sad thing is, though, I have always been an alpha male with everyone in my life, except my W. I am still trying to figure out how that go so messed up from the rest of my life. Time will help me heal, get stronger, and figure it out.
Quote:
Quote: I believe she is in my life at this point to teach me to exercise grace and patience. She often seems to get lost in what I deem a logical sequence of thoughts. Perhaps it's me. I don't know. I know that I don't have s similar problem with anyone else that I speak with on a daily basis and I talk for a living. Hmmm....
I think you are right.
I think I am right too, but this is another aspect of my life that I am taking a hard look at to determine if my view of this situation is skewed because I am viewing it through my paradigm of the world. I don't know. What I do know is that my W seems to be a great friend to her friends, but her challenge lies in being in a committed R for fear of losing herslf and, as she has told me, fear of losing her "me" time.
Quote:
Quote: I had my 3rd interview, this time with the director of marketing. The inteview went well. I'll know next TH or before. We'll see. Additionally, the two prevous jobs I turned dow have both been in contact with me about working for them. Another miracle. I would still love for oe more miracle though.
Then keep thinking that it can happen. YOU are making these miracles happen. WHatever happens will be because of what YOU do.
I see what you have been talking about. I control my own destiny and create my own miracles because of what I do. I believe in me. I believe in God. I believe in miracles.
Quote: I believe she is in my life at this point to teach me to exercise grace and patience.
What a wonderful sentiment. I'll have to spend some time thinking about what my H's behaviour (er..lying and cheating..) is teaching me.
I am so sorry to hear about your sitch. Sucks, I know. At this point in my life/sitch, I am taking EVERY opportunity to change my focus on everything from other people/things to ME! Focusing on me allows me the opportunity to change my life and the relationships in my life because relationships are merely a series of circular interactions and by changing MY role/responses in the interactions, the R WILL change because it must.
One other aspect of myself that I constantly work on is minimizing my own criticism of myself for backsliding despite my best efforts in DBing. I am getting better at NOT kicking myself so hard in the backside and reminding myself that my goal for myself is excellenceNOTperfection. I am working to take backsliding as a learning/growing experience. Helps me anyway.
Take care, read lots of sitches, post when you can. You never know when your experience, direction, perspective will help someone else in need.
Quote: FINALLY some real progress. You're doing VERY well my friend. I knew Frank could work his magic with you. Not that we didn't help but if you actually take the time to read his story there is SO much to be learned.
Thank you so much, GH, for all of your time, effort and energy. I am strengthened by your presence, energy, and perspective. BTW, you are not the only one thinking, FINALLY.
Quote: You ARE learning and yes, school's open for both you, to learn all you can about yourself, and your W, to fully understand the ramifications of her actions since she seems so hellbent on them.
I am certainly open to learning. And yes, she certainly does seem hellbent on her direction. Sad thing tonight, my D5 was misbehaving and I was talking with ehr and she told me that she is misbehaving so much b/c mommy and daddy are not together. She would much rather get in trouble than feel ignored and unimportant. I have been telling my W all along that D is a life defining time in children's lives, despite what she and her manhater GFs would try to fill her head with. My W seems to lap that BS up b/c it falls in line with supporting her on her D path.
I do believe that the changes in me will necessitate a change in her and/or in our R, at the very least. As I previously posted, my goal for me is excellenceNOTperfection.
I believe more now than ever that I truly will make the much needed changes in me to become the man that God always intened for me to be and those changes in me will have a huge positive impact in my DB efforts. And yes, my focus is ONLY on me for me, and not on the much hoped for outcome. The changes in me will be my gift to me that I, and my children, will raap the benefits from for our lifetimes.
Quote: Keep it up. Oh, and you know that "pat myself on the back" thing I said I always detected in your posts... it's gone now.
High praise from you and high praise to you. Thank you for always offering your lucid and pointed perspective that I often need right between the eyes. You, kind sir, are truly a dear friend. Thank you.
Quote: Very often the lesson is just learning how to feel ok in our own skins without needing the apporval of someone else.
Strange thing in reading your last post, Frank, is that I was having trouble figuring out what you were telling ME. Then I read the previous response post from Flip and said, "Ahhhh...."
I feel OK in my own skin as long as I am not in the presence of my W. Even that is getting better each day. Each day I recapture more of me whom I lost in my M and I embrace that person so that he will be the one who interacts with my W and children going forward. I do have value as a person. THAT is huge for me to be able to say abaout myself. The real challenge is keeping those feelings about me in the forefront of my mind so that they are the NORM for me and the feelings I fall back on in my crisis of a sitch.
Sorry.
I am certainly open to learning. And yes, she certainly does seem hellbent on her direction. Sad thing tonight, my D5 was misbehaving and I was talking with ehr and she told me that she is misbehaving so much b/c mommy and daddy are not together. She would much rather get in trouble than feel ignored and unimportant. I have been telling my W all along that D is a life defining time in children's lives, despite what she and her manhater GFs would try to fill her head with. My W seems to lap that BS up b/c it falls in line with supporting her on her D path.