Need Help Staying on my Feet, PART 4

[Still_Standing]

Frank, I must say, our W's may be clones, or at least close relatives. If you will bear with me, I am going to quote some of your post and then comment on the similarities. I feel your pain. I also feel totally lost without my D and S with me every nite. I know it will get better, but only with time. Here I go...

Besides, whenever you think you know what's going on in someone elses's head, you're almost sure to always be wrong.

I know this is true for me. Whenever I get into the "I know what she is thinking/doing mode, I am never ASSuming it's something positive about me. ALWAYS negative. Never a good thing.

I LITERALLY just woke up the next morning and everything was different. I did not understand it and was very upset about it, but whatever he'd tapped into the night before, had found it's way closed again. I couldn't get the feeling back no matter how hard I tried. I was lost again and I couldn't even fake it. All the anger was back in spades. 7 days later he took his first drink in almost a year.

She can't help what's happening her and nothing but time will work it out. I believe that as sure as I am sitting here now typing this. She couldn't get free now if she tried.

My W has done a similar aboutface with me. Like she forgets all of the positive stuff about us or what we talked about. I am convinced that she KNOWS what she wants but is so afraid of losing herself that she has a real problem committing to being married, and always has.

Then D10 came in and saw the bed. The material is a suede so it's soft and she jumped on the bed and admired it. Then, she said "But I wish there were two people to sleep in it Dad" and started to cry. I didn't anticipate that.

I put my arm around her and said 'let's go into your room since this room makes you sad'. I sat with her while she told me she didn't want a divorce.

This interaction with your D10 us so reminiscent of my talks with my D5. My D5 is so sad because she is so damned confused b/c W has been telling her from VERY early on that mommy and daddy ARE divorced. Additionally, mommy has lied to our D5 by telling her that OM is a friend and then correcting the lie by telling D5 that W is dating OM. My W said that my D5 was pissed at W because she was dating (like a 5 yr old understands the meaning of dating)OM. I told my W, no she's pissed at you b/c you flat out lied to her. THAT's not real comforting to a child. Additionally, today my C told me that my W sounds like she is stuck somewhere between age 9 and 13, based on her constant lashing out and antogonizing/provoking me with her weapon of choice, her mouth. Plus, on nights when my W has my D5, my W seems to go out of her way to throw off my D's schedule (and then blame me) and won't simply facilitate my nightly phone call to D5 to say goodnight. I am really working to let my W's antics go w/o comment and/or reaction. Mindreading again, perhaps...but my W knows our (my D5 and mine) nightly routine. It could simply mean that at this point she doesn't care about allowing me to nurture my R with my D5, I don't know. Time will tell.

"...you are holding on to her and helping her all the time."

I see myself here. I am constantly helping my W out with whatever her heart desires while she is prepping to D me. I know, not wise and not sane. I am working to GAL and to let go of her. Not sure how to go about doing either, as I literally lost myself in my M and family. I'm getting there though, but it's too slow going for my liking.

D10 says: "When we talk she talks like a teenager about everything, like it's all so simple to do.

My D doesn't say this, I simply see it in her actions and interactions. My counselor has NEVER seen my W, but pegged her quickly.

She sees you as her Best Friend. You've been protecting her forever. I see you do it all the time. You gotta stop that and let her go find out how hard life can be. She's never been a grownup, my mom is a teenager still.

My wife always relied on me like a best friend. I ALWAYS took care of her and her needs. I was always doing for her. I know now that she didn't recognize my doing for her as acts or love, only as expectations.

Very upset it is taking too long. She want's it 'over' and never to be fixed.

Not sure if you are talking about your W or D here, but for me this would be my W.

Thenwe got onto the topic of money. She can't make her $500 credit payment and I had suggested she use some of our home equity line to lower the balance. She originally didn't want to, but tonite she asked me for $1000 so she could pay down the balance some. I said 'no problem'.

not the exact scenario in my M, but very similar. Haa eneough $$$ to go out and buy herself teenybopper outfits, but not enough to pay for our D5's day camp nor getting our cat it's needed pet vet treatment. I am at a loss and see that if I wish for her to grow up, I need to start playing hardball now. I have figured out finally that my W's whims are NOT my childrens' needs.

...W leans on me when she is down and doesn't see why she wants a divorce if she isn't going to let me go.

My W does this, when she is bored, sad, needs a strong shoulder to lean on. This reminds me of the time about a year ago tht I asked my W why she treated me so terribly so often and did not do the same to anyone else in her life. Her response, "Because you know me better than anyone knows me and you still love me. I know that no matter what I do to you, you will NEVER leave me." Perhaps these feelings are why she is so hurt,saddened, angry and hardened in her positon of wanting a D. I don't know.

I have more thoughts on you subsequent posts, but, in a nusshell, I clearly see the necessity of GAL, taking care of myself and our childrer, and moving forward while keeping myself open to reconciliation, even though it looks hopeless.

Last bit from my counselor. My C told me tht my W is wxpert at choosig wisely what comment will upwet me. Thankfully, she has been, for the most part, sadly mistaken.

My C also told me I need to SLEEP, so it's midnight gotta get some sleep so I will do well in my interview tomorrow. Every send positive energy and prayers my way, if you will.