Quote: Sitting in my new place and feeling really alone and down. The reality of my sitch hit me hard the last 3 days. Setting up a new home. Shopping for all new stuff w/o asking if she liked whatever I was considering buying. Strange and sad. I'll be OK though.
It's very EMPOWERING isn't it?
I'd like to say it's EMPOWERING, but right now I find it a bit disconcerting. I have a feeling that, with time, I will feel empowered. I look forward to GAL, for MY benefit, of course...and my childrens'.
Quote: I have come to the conclusion that, regardless, I will be fine. I love my W and I very much want our M to work, but if she won't allow that to happen, I know I'll be fine with her decision. Sad, but OK.
Yep. You will be more than OK.
Again, I find this all VERY disconcerting and lonely. One great thing is that I can now have my children with me the entire evening during the week. Now THAT'S empowering.
Side bar: last Saturday was my nephew's (6) birthday party. My brother called me the next day to tell me that I looked like sh*t and that I need to "fix" myself. His call was welcome b/c he showed he cares so much (he RARELY makes calls) and was troubling b/c clearly I am not doing as well as I would like to believe I am passing myself off as doing. I have also been fooling myself, quite well I might add.
I realize that getting my own place will help my situation somewhat. I am just feeling the kick in the nuts that I knew the move would feel like. And it does hurt, after 5 months of staying with my sister. Looking back, that stay was like being in suspended animation; lacking in the necessary reality to move forward personally in my situation. That kick in the nuts is more real than I ever imagined it would be, despite anticipating it's impending arrival. UGH! ^$^%&%#!!!!
So now, my life begins again. I am truly struggling with the reality of my sitch after having kept myself comfortably numb from it all by staying busy with my children, work, and the business of juggling it all while staying with my sister.
Yesterday, my D5 went with my W out on her friends' boat. They had a great time. My W then called me to ask me if she could drop our D5 off with me so that SHE could go to work to get ready for Monday. My W was 3 hours late getting back, which was typical, but at least called 15 minutes b4 she was due back to inform me she was going to be late, which was VERY atypical. At first, I questioned it, because of the necessary hour of the evening ending with her needing to go back to work, but relented after considering that I was going to have our son already anyway.
After she was done working, she called me and asked if I had any food at my place because she was hungry? I told her I did, so she asked me to fix her some eggs and toast. I did. She always loved asking me to get up and make her eggs and toast in the evenings. Anyway, she was appreciative and then took the children home. In relating the story to my good friend, he told me that making her food was a good sign, as it showed I was being kind. He also said it was a good sign from her b/c she was willing to ask me to make her something to eat at my new place.
As usual, I'd like to believe that, but I work VERY hard to NOT put too much meaning or emphasis on good, neutral, or poor interactions with my W. I look at them all as just plain experiences/memories, nothing more. THAT has actually served my pretty well in the past.
When my W arrived, my D5 was so excited to give my W a tour of my new place. My W seemed pleased and was VERY interested in my new stuff. I suppose that is good b/c she always picked out the stuff for hour house b/c I always deferred to her tastes. THAT part was empowering, Frank, actually remembering that I DO actually have tastes and opinions.
UGH! ^$^%&%#!!!!
