Quote: Sitting in my new place and feeling really alone and down. The reality of my sitch hit me hard the last 3 days. Setting up a new home. Shopping for all new stuff w/o asking if she liked whatever I was considering buying. Strange and sad. I'll be OK though.
It's very EMPOWERING isn't it?
Quote: I have come to the conclusion that, regardless, I will be fine. I love my W and I very much want our M to work, but if she won't allow that to happen, I know I'll be fine with her decision. Sad, but OK.
Quote: Sitting in my new place and feeling really alone and down. The reality of my sitch hit me hard the last 3 days. Setting up a new home. Shopping for all new stuff w/o asking if she liked whatever I was considering buying. Strange and sad. I'll be OK though.
It's very EMPOWERING isn't it?
I'd like to say it's EMPOWERING, but right now I find it a bit disconcerting. I have a feeling that, with time, I will feel empowered. I look forward to GAL, for MY benefit, of course...and my childrens'.
Quote: I have come to the conclusion that, regardless, I will be fine. I love my W and I very much want our M to work, but if she won't allow that to happen, I know I'll be fine with her decision. Sad, but OK.
Yep. You will be more than OK.
Again, I find this all VERY disconcerting and lonely. One great thing is that I can now have my children with me the entire evening during the week. Now THAT'S empowering.
Side bar: last Saturday was my nephew's (6) birthday party. My brother called me the next day to tell me that I looked like sh*t and that I need to "fix" myself. His call was welcome b/c he showed he cares so much (he RARELY makes calls) and was troubling b/c clearly I am not doing as well as I would like to believe I am passing myself off as doing. I have also been fooling myself, quite well I might add.
I realize that getting my own place will help my situation somewhat. I am just feeling the kick in the nuts that I knew the move would feel like. And it does hurt, after 5 months of staying with my sister. Looking back, that stay was like being in suspended animation; lacking in the necessary reality to move forward personally in my situation. That kick in the nuts is more real than I ever imagined it would be, despite anticipating it's impending arrival. UGH! ^$^%&%#!!!!
So now, my life begins again. I am truly struggling with the reality of my sitch after having kept myself comfortably numb from it all by staying busy with my children, work, and the business of juggling it all while staying with my sister.
Yesterday, my D5 went with my W out on her friends' boat. They had a great time. My W then called me to ask me if she could drop our D5 off with me so that SHE could go to work to get ready for Monday. My W was 3 hours late getting back, which was typical, but at least called 15 minutes b4 she was due back to inform me she was going to be late, which was VERY atypical. At first, I questioned it, because of the necessary hour of the evening ending with her needing to go back to work, but relented after considering that I was going to have our son already anyway.
After she was done working, she called me and asked if I had any food at my place because she was hungry? I told her I did, so she asked me to fix her some eggs and toast. I did. She always loved asking me to get up and make her eggs and toast in the evenings. Anyway, she was appreciative and then took the children home. In relating the story to my good friend, he told me that making her food was a good sign, as it showed I was being kind. He also said it was a good sign from her b/c she was willing to ask me to make her something to eat at my new place.
As usual, I'd like to believe that, but I work VERY hard to NOT put too much meaning or emphasis on good, neutral, or poor interactions with my W. I look at them all as just plain experiences/memories, nothing more. THAT has actually served my pretty well in the past.
When my W arrived, my D5 was so excited to give my W a tour of my new place. My W seemed pleased and was VERY interested in my new stuff. I suppose that is good b/c she always picked out the stuff for hour house b/c I always deferred to her tastes. THAT part was empowering, Frank, actually remembering that I DO actually have tastes and opinions.
Quote: When my W arrived, my D5 was so excited to give my W a tour of my new place. My W seemed pleased and was VERY interested in my new stuff. I suppose that is good b/c she always picked out the stuff for hour house b/c I always deferred to her tastes. THAT part was empowering, Frank, actually remembering that I DO actually have tastes and opinions.
Hey, go HEREand look at my post from 3/26 about 'moving on and making changes' It's similar to what you are doing in a way.
Frank, I must say, our W's may be clones, or at least close relatives. If you will bear with me, I am going to quote some of your post and then comment on the similarities. I feel your pain. I also feel totally lost without my D and S with me every nite. I know it will get better, but only with time. Here I go...
Quote: Besides, whenever you think you know what's going on in someone elses's head, you're almost sure to always be wrong.
I know this is true for me. Whenever I get into the "I know what she is thinking/doing mode, I am never ASSuming it's something positive about me. ALWAYS negative. Never a good thing.
Quote: I LITERALLY just woke up the next morning and everything was different. I did not understand it and was very upset about it, but whatever he'd tapped into the night before, had found it's way closed again. I couldn't get the feeling back no matter how hard I tried. I was lost again and I couldn't even fake it. All the anger was back in spades. 7 days later he took his first drink in almost a year.
She can't help what's happening her and nothing but time will work it out. I believe that as sure as I am sitting here now typing this. She couldn't get free now if she tried.
My W has done a similar aboutface with me. Like she forgets all of the positive stuff about us or what we talked about. I am convinced that she KNOWS what she wants but is so afraid of losing herself that she has a real problem committing to being married, and always has.
Quote: Then D10 came in and saw the bed. The material is a suede so it's soft and she jumped on the bed and admired it. Then, she said "But I wish there were two people to sleep in it Dad" and started to cry. I didn't anticipate that.
I put my arm around her and said 'let's go into your room since this room makes you sad'. I sat with her while she told me she didn't want a divorce.
This interaction with your D10 us so reminiscent of my talks with my D5. My D5 is so sad because she is so damned confused b/c W has been telling her from VERY early on that mommy and daddy ARE divorced. Additionally, mommy has lied to our D5 by telling her that OM is a friend and then correcting the lie by telling D5 that W is dating OM. My W said that my D5 was pissed at W because she was dating (like a 5 yr old understands the meaning of dating)OM. I told my W, no she's pissed at you b/c you flat out lied to her. THAT's not real comforting to a child. Additionally, today my C told me that my W sounds like she is stuck somewhere between age 9 and 13, based on her constant lashing out and antogonizing/provoking me with her weapon of choice, her mouth. Plus, on nights when my W has my D5, my W seems to go out of her way to throw off my D's schedule (and then blame me) and won't simply facilitate my nightly phone call to D5 to say goodnight. I am really working to let my W's antics go w/o comment and/or reaction. Mindreading again, perhaps...but my W knows our (my D5 and mine) nightly routine. It could simply mean that at this point she doesn't care about allowing me to nurture my R with my D5, I don't know. Time will tell.
Quote: "...you are holding on to her and helping her all the time."
I see myself here. I am constantly helping my W out with whatever her heart desires while she is prepping to D me. I know, not wise and not sane. I am working to GAL and to let go of her. Not sure how to go about doing either, as I literally lost myself in my M and family. I'm getting there though, but it's too slow going for my liking.
Quote: D10 says: "When we talk she talks like a teenager about everything, like it's all so simple to do.
My D doesn't say this, I simply see it in her actions and interactions. My counselor has NEVER seen my W, but pegged her quickly.
Quote: She sees you as her Best Friend. You've been protecting her forever. I see you do it all the time. You gotta stop that and let her go find out how hard life can be. She's never been a grownup, my mom is a teenager still.
My wife always relied on me like a best friend. I ALWAYS took care of her and her needs. I was always doing for her. I know now that she didn't recognize my doing for her as acts or love, only as expectations.
Quote: Very upset it is taking too long. She want's it 'over' and never to be fixed.
Not sure if you are talking about your W or D here, but for me this would be my W.
Quote: Thenwe got onto the topic of money. She can't make her $500 credit payment and I had suggested she use some of our home equity line to lower the balance. She originally didn't want to, but tonite she asked me for $1000 so she could pay down the balance some. I said 'no problem'.
not the exact scenario in my M, but very similar. Haa eneough $$$ to go out and buy herself teenybopper outfits, but not enough to pay for our D5's day camp nor getting our cat it's needed pet vet treatment. I am at a loss and see that if I wish for her to grow up, I need to start playing hardball now. I have figured out finally that my W's whims are NOT my childrens' needs.
Quote: ...W leans on me when she is down and doesn't see why she wants a divorce if she isn't going to let me go.
My W does this, when she is bored, sad, needs a strong shoulder to lean on. This reminds me of the time about a year ago tht I asked my W why she treated me so terribly so often and did not do the same to anyone else in her life. Her response, "Because you know me better than anyone knows me and you still love me. I know that no matter what I do to you, you will NEVER leave me." Perhaps these feelings are why she is so hurt,saddened, angry and hardened in her positon of wanting a D. I don't know.
I have more thoughts on you subsequent posts, but, in a nusshell, I clearly see the necessity of GAL, taking care of myself and our childrer, and moving forward while keeping myself open to reconciliation, even though it looks hopeless.
Last bit from my counselor. My C told me tht my W is wxpert at choosig wisely what comment will upwet me. Thankfully, she has been, for the most part, sadly mistaken.
My C also told me I need to SLEEP, so it's midnight gotta get some sleep so I will do well in my interview tomorrow. Every send positive energy and prayers my way, if you will.
Quote: Hey, go HEREand look at my post from 3/26 about 'moving on and making changes' It's similar to what you are doing in a way.
My point was that when I got my own blankets and changed the bedroom around so it was MY room she got very uncomfortable. Read the 3/27 and 3/28 posts in the same thread.
Then follow the link in the last post to the next thread. This is where I did the LRT and moved to 'hardball' mode which was the hardest thing to do. It's also when everything changed.
Quote: My point was that when I got my own blankets and changed the bedroom around so it was MY room she got very uncomfortable. Read the 3/27 and 3/28 posts in the same thread. Then follow the link in the last post to the next thread. This is where I did the LRT and moved to 'hardball' mode which was the hardest thing to do. It's also when everything changed.
I believe in miracles. I need to believe in them because that is what I see as being necessary. With God's help, I will continue working on becoming the man that He always intended me to be. I am certainly DBing from a different angle, one firmly directed at me now. Being in my new place, I feel like GAL is certainly not only a good thing, but also more attainable. I now have the opportunity to become again who I once was b4 I met and M my W. The ball is rolling, albeit in a somewhat confused manner. For me, it all seems like I am, emotionally anyway, back near the beginning of all this.
I'm getting there though. Getting my new place and buying items for myself and our children was a good start. I don't know that any of that is having any impact on her, but that is really irrelevant. I am working to keep my focus on me and what I must do b/c I will always have me and our 2 childen, so THAT is where my focus needs to be.
In reading posts and the responses on your thread and lots became VERY clear to me. Our situations are very similar (although not identical, of course) and I culled a great deal of insight on what I need to do going forward to get movement in my sitch. I feel like I am drowning Limbo Lake.
I have always "rescued" my W from real life. "Doing" is one of my LL, I found out. I am still having difficulty figuring out what her LL is. It seems like she is my moving target to pin that LL down on. I was always her safe harbor; the one she could always lean. She told me that she could always be herself around me and know that she is loved. Well, I do see her for who she is and, although I don't like her decisions right now, I do love and respect her anyway.
I am working on GAL and finding out again not only who I was, but who I am and who I want to be. I want her to get grounded and get well. Your D said that her mom acts like a teenager. Well, my C told me that from what I said, my W is stuck between ages 9 & 13, not wanting to be a woman, a mom, or a wife. My W has surrounded herself with friends so enjoy the 31 yr old teenager she is acting like. I worry that NOT being an adult mother to our children is going to be very damaging to our children.
I am no longer afraid of losing her. I feel like that happened a long time ago. I am uncertain on how to change directions and play hardball. I know I am certain that I am willing to go all the way with that, because I deserve more from my primary relationship than my W is capable/willing to give right now and being in limbo wreaks havoc on my mental state. I know I am worth more than I am allowing myself to feel because of my sitch. I need to detach NOW so I will start the process of healing and moving forward.
For the time being, my posts are going to be more ME centered. As they said in Platoon, "Change your mind, your a$$ will follow." Well, I have changed my mind. I will take care of me and our children now. She is an adult. She needs to realize the impact of being D before we go all the way through that door.
Quote: Well, I have changed my mind. I will take care of me and our children now. She is an adult. She needs to realize the impact of being D before we go all the way through that door.
UGH! ^$^%&%#!!!!
Additionally, today my C told me that my W sounds like she is stuck somewhere between age 9 and 13, based on her constant lashing out and antogonizing/provoking me with her weapon of choice, her mouth. Plus, on nights when my W has my D5, my W seems to go out of her way to throw off my D's schedule (and then blame me) and won't simply facilitate my nightly phone call to D5 to say goodnight. I am really working to let my W's antics go w/o comment and/or reaction. Mindreading again, perhaps...but my W knows our (my D5 and mine) nightly routine. It could simply mean that at this point she doesn't care about allowing me to nurture my R with my D5, I don't know. Time will tell. 
