Need Help Staying on my Feet, PART 4

[Still_Standing]

You SEEM sometimes to revel in this process.

I didn't realize that's what I look like, but that is certainly what I look like. I can say that I am not consciously revelling in this process, but I can't say that I am consciously NOT revelling in it either.

What I fear is that you are SO wrapped up in the process that progress is not being made.

I am embarassed that I have been so wrapped up in the process of NOT losing my W and my M that I was overlooking the fact that progress has NOT been made in any way, shape or form. I have spent 5 months being so afraid of doing the wrong thing that I have spent that time kissing my W's a$$ in hopes that, as Frank said, if I'm good enough long enough she'll be open to me again.

Each new post to you seems like a revelation when by now, the revelations should probably be combing from YOU more than us.

I am an intelligent man. Unfortunately, in my M I turned off the real me; the intelligent, decisive, strong, confident LION. I morphed into what I thought my W wanted me to be only she didn't know what she wanted me to be and I only wanted to be me and for her to love me for being me. I was actually expert at being me. Somewhere along the way I hung up my b*lls and gave up who I had always been. I am trying to find that man again to re-unite with the reall me.

I think a lot of what Frank is talking about is just that. The idea that it's time to stop celebrating the PROCESS of self-discovery and start actually DOING it.

Unfortunately, in a logical sense, I understand. But you are not talking about a logical sense. To me the self-discovery needs to be in the primal sense of being a man.

I can't really put my finger on it, and someday I will, but again, there is something about your general positive nature in all this that is both great from a PMA perspective and disturbing as well. Like I said, it's like you "get off" somehow on all this.

I'll tell you what it is. It's called denial. The refusal to see reality and to live in 'WHAT IS' rather than what I 'WISH FOR.' I don't think I was getting off on it, but using it as a shield because I am afraid of failing in this M.

I am not saying you enjoy the pain on any conscious level...or do you?

NO, not on any conscious level. But I am not saying that I don't have holes in my subconscious that not only allows the pain, but seeks pain out.

I think that's another aspect of Franks analysis; you DO get off on the pain because you think you deserve it.

Frank pegged me so quickly. It's quite disconcerting. Or is it that I am that transparent and needy? I must feel that I deserve the "stuff" that comes my way. I have often felt like I am not 'good enough' or that I am 'bad.' The process of self discovery has been excruciatingly difficult and slow because I SO completely lost myself in my M. To put it simply, I don't really feel like I truly know who I am or what I like. I truly feel like a poser and right now I feel undressed and exposed.

One thing I would recommend to you is that you find the time to read some or if possible ALL of Frank's threads around the boards. While I don't 100% agree with everything he did because it frankly (no pun intended) does not really suit my personality, I DO identify with HOW he did things. In general, think it's a blueprint for how to not only go about DBing and incorporating other philosophies into it but also how to share your experiences and help others in the process.

I will print them tonight. ALL of them. The reading and dose of realism will be just what I need.

Your thread/process is basically to Journal, get responses, act amazed/surpriesed/blessed/happy/etc at the response, then post a lot of "I KNOW I have to do xxx and yyy" mixed with a lot of (please, don't take offense at this) "God will move me" stuff...rinse and repeat.

According to my counselor, I am a classic extrovert. I need to verbalize my feelings in order to process and make sense of my world. You're right. I do know what to do and what NOT to do. I am an intelligent man. But my fear gets in the way of my intelligence causing no movement, only sadness and more fear.

It's not bad, but after awhile, you should have been moved a bit more that you have been if you know what I mean.

Yes, I agree that I need to be further along in my self-discovery and in progress in my m

What's missing for me is the actual DOING part. I know you do things, but somehow most of that is lost in the translation.

I hear what you and Frank are saying, the time for DOING is NOW! No more lip service. Start DOING the work!

Look HH, you are no different than the rest of us. You struggle with WHAT to do and HOW to do it. We ALL do. Frank has just given you a wonderful gift, some of all of which may apply to you TODAY and give you cause for action. Read, respond and then do.

I gratefully accept Frank's gift. I have read his post 5 times already and will read it 5 more times tonight. Now is my time to read, respond, and do.

I KNOW you have it in you to comprehend these things and then do something about them. Of that I am sure. The rest is up to you.

No one is going to do the work to fix me but me. I sign up for the job. It's gonna be a lot of hard work, but I will find the real me, I will be in touch with EVERYTHING that makes me me, and all of my work will be worth it because I am someone to behold when I am.