You are a good and decent man. You love your kids and you love your wife. That much I know.
After 2 hours of reading, I still don't know what YOU really want. And who you are inside.
I know who you THINK you are though. Guilty. A people pleaser. Still looking for approval. Still feeling like you have to 'make up' for everything - whatever 'everything' is. You have to 'sacrifice' yourself because, well, you were BAD. You've been doing this all your life haven't you, either 'fixing' or 'being needy?' Being the guilty one?
I was like that too. Never feeling good enough. Or figuring that if I was 'needy' enough or codependent then my wife could NEVER leave me. How could she? I NEED her. Of course that continuously takes energy from her and as soon as she got the opportunity to be 'released' from those bonds she was out the door and in someone elses arms in a shot. And all OM had to do was just 'say' he loved her.
She was so empty, drained, like your wife is now. Your affair is a symptom of YOUR problems. It is the catalyst for her to run away from HER problems. It is not THE problem.
It was stupid and you were wrong. So what. It's over now. But understand THIS:
IF IT WASN'T THE AFFAIR, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING ELSE THAT TRIGGERED HER TO DO THIS. THIS HAS BEEN BUILDING ALL HER LIFE.
She is lost. She doesn't really know who she is. As a woman, as a wife, as a mother. She's running from all of these roles.
And you? You've been lost for years, haven't you? Are you tired of it? Are you ready to take that journey, the one to find your true self, the self you lost years ago? Or are you going to keep holding on to HER, thinking that if you hold on long enough, if you're GOOD long enough, it will all 'get better'? That's what you're doing, you focus on, and hold on to HER. And when she doesn't respond you beat yourself up for not being 'good'.
Where are YOU?
I don't see you. I looked everywhere in your threads and I don't see YOU there. Unless I am supposed to believe that YOU are a guy who just rolls over and does whatever he's told to do because he doesn't have ANY value if he doesn't do things for others. I know that feeling. I know when I felt it that it wasn't ME. So I'm sure that when I hear that you are feeling it I KNOW it isn't really YOU - it's the little boy inside who want's to feel loved.
Well, you ARE loved. Your kids love you. They don't love you because you do things for them. They love you just because you are you. They don't know if you are good or bad. They don't know if you are right or wrong. They only see your soul. And they see that you are worth being loved.
The people here on this board don't expect you to 'do things' for us yet we talk to you, and we show you unconditional love. We give you parts of our energy and our experience because we WANT to. Why? To make us feel superior? nope. Because we like to 'fix' people? Nope. We don't fix ANYBODY. If only it were that easy! And we (or at least AmyC, GH and I for example) don't Bullsh&t people to make them 'feel better'.
We're here because we hear your words and they call to us, they tell us 'here is a man who want's to break free of his chains'. We can't do it for you, but we can support you.
And we want you to. But we can't do it for you. Because you made those chains. Only you can break them.
So forget a lot of what you think is true. Most of it's wrong anyway. You aren't a bad man. What you did was wrong, and you've atoned for it. Let it go. Your wife made choices that are wrong. She knows it. She knows she loves you. But she also knows that for the past number of years that it has been a difficult job - loving you - because she doesn't know how to love you without losing herself. And she CAN'T let herself love you right now because she HAS lost herself. She can't love anyone right now. Not until she loves herself. She thinks these 'guys' will fill that void - but they won't. And she'll fall hard when she figures that out.
And this is the hardest part. Ready? Here you go: YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO CHANGE THIS. She has to figure this out on her own.
So here's your dillemma. You can keep holding on like you do, being meek and waiting for tidbits she might throw your way. Jumping when she says JUMP! You can keep punishing yourself, blaming your affair for this situation. You can keep telling yourself "She deserves to fool around after what I did". You can be that little boy who feels guilty. Unworthy.
or
You can be the man you are meant to be. ONE of you has to be strong, stable, unwavering, determined. A rock. For your KIDs sake and for HER sake it MUST be YOU.
She certainly isn't being strong, grounded or rational. Are you going to be? If not, then who will?
Some things you've said in previous posts....
Quote: I read a great book, Wild at Heart which talks about a man finding his heart that he lost.
Did you really read it? I read it. It is a somewhat Christian book that discusses how men were not meant to be 'nice'. Or domesticated. We were meant to be like lions. Strong, Wild, Dangerous, Protective, Leader. It talks about the world of "Posers", those who really are posing as someone else - not being who they really are. There is a quote I liked so much that I printed it in large letters on a paper and put it on my wall. It said:
Quote: The world of posers is shaken by a real man. You must let your strength show up because the world doesn't have a place for it. Fine. The world's screwed up.
Let people feel the weight of who you are and let THEM deal with it.
What does it mean? To me it means NOT to give in to being who you think OTHERS want you to be. Be who YOU are. And be proud of it.
Quote: I never worked to separate from my W to GAL during our M to nurture myself and allow her the opportunity to want to be with me. I truly believe that is the largest error I made because my needs were not being met b/c I was smothering her and she was running from me to "relax." I have only recently owned THAT.
SHE never learned to let you separate. You were both clinging to each other. It wasn't just you.
Once YOU truly separate yourself from her, she will see how much she really misses you. Right now she has you at her beck and call. You need to take that away from her. That's what DIVORCE means. She needs to see what if FEELS like NOW. Before she make a mistake and actually goes through with it.
Quote: SHE is the one who told me that I AM on the deed and that I could ask to be "bought out" of the house. I did verify that I am, in fact, on the deed. The house has a LOT of equity. I just don't feel that would be the right thing to do, regardless of the outcome of our M troubles. Does that make sense here? It certainly doesn't to most of my RL friends and family, except one
You are correct. I do not want to make her more upset than she already is. Her heart is hardended right now. I don't want to make it petrified.
I do believe I will sign my name off the deed regardless. Yes, even with my name still on the loan. I believe it is the right thing to do. Right is right, always. Everything else will all come out as it should. I have control over being true to myself.
You are being a martyr. You took on the risks of taking that loan with her, your income helped pay for it. When you just roll over like this you look like a poser. Be a lion. Don't you want her to respect you? Make sure you are doing the CORRECT and PRUDENT thing with this decision.
Quote: I know I will eventually be fine, it's just that right now I feel so weak and unsure. I actually always do land on my two feet despite my mistakes/messes. I just hate being in the valley, but that is where I learn what I am truly made of.
Yep, this isn't the first time. You fall down, you get up, you fal ldonw, you get up.... kinda repetetive. Why don't you stop the cycle this time? You see how it works. Make it end. Get up and do it differently.
Quote: am having such a difficult time remembering what I found fun b4 I met my wife. I know that she fell in love with me for a REASON (or 2 or 3).
Why don't you ask her? Tell her you are doing some soul searching and as part of your journey into finding yourself, you'd appreciate it if she could tell you the qualities she saw in you that caused her to fall in love with you. Then just listen. Thank her. Don't whine and ask her why she can't see them now. Be grateful she told you.
Quote: Amy said: I really should have elaborated when I used the term "revenge". I don't necessarily think she is consciously thinking "I'm going to make him pay". I think it is more like she doesn't want to deal with the pain so she is distancing herself from it by going hog-ass wild. Her exploits to date seem to all be rather shallow and that only adds to the suspicion that she is out of touch with her feelings (the drinking helps tremendously - is she still doing that?). What is her sitch like with OM? Her friends all seem to be folks that will accept her living this way...basically like a teenager.
Of course I totally agree. This is exactly what my W did. She told me later that when she looks back at the person she was during all that, she can't belive who she turned into. She manufactured a fantasy world.
Quote: She knows our co-workers are going to make a beeline to tell me her antics. Oh, well, I always have the option of quitting and getting out of the direct line of fire, but I feel that would be letting her control me more than she already has in the past. I need to stand up and be a man, husband to her or not.
Yes, you do. Being a man means not getting sucked in to the noise. When she complains, you listen. When she tells people stuff she know you will hear - you don't react. You are above this. You are ready to live on a higher plane.
Quote: One more note, all. My W sent me an e-mail that said she is really angry b/c she doesn't get more help from me with the kids. I am the GREATEST father. Even in this mess, even while being pushed away I have been there for my children. I have reached out to help my W. It's never enough or my effort was "almost" what she needed. I have NEVER "measured up" and she makes sure I am aware of her displeasure/disappointment.
Read 'The Way of the Superior Man' by David Deida. "Her complaints are content-free". She's telling you she thinks you are a great father and when she puts you down it's because she really DOES want you to be there but she can't have you so she has to devalue your presence. Otherwise she'll feel like she might be wrong in leaving the relationship. She has to justify leaving you.
Quote: What I don't do is speak ill of my wife for playing the hand that I dealt her as she sees fit. It's her life; her right.
No, it isn't. She made a wedding vow AND she made children. When she did that she willingly gave up some of those 'rights'. Just like YOU did. She is just as wrong as you were.
Quote: I will never forget that I am the one who dealt her this crappy hand. Sometimes I will think selfish, pitiful thoughts and I tell myself to stop it. I love that woman. Always will. She deserved better from me. She deserved for me to come to HER to discuss my feelings of lack in our marriage. She deserved for me to be a man, not a coward. I hope that I will get that chance in the future to be the man she wanted when we married.
NOW THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF MY POST. So, if you fell asleep during the previous ramblings, READ this part. I mean it.
YOU did not DEAL her this 'crappy hand'. She signed up for this journey with you just like you did with her. She REACTED to your actions the way she chose to. Period.
WIll YOU 'get the chance' to be the man she married. ONLY if you choose to. Let me say it again. ONLY IF YOU CHOOSE TO.
WHATEVER happens will happen because YOU manifested it. NOT because of what she does. When YOU make changes in your perceptions and actions, SHE will have no choice but to also change. YOU will manifest the outcome. If you stay stuck in the role of martyr and whipping boy that's what you'll be.
But, if you become the rock, the solid, unshakable man that you are meant to be then she will notice. She has to. And she will wonder why ot was she ran from you.
It's all up to you. Will you do it? Are you ready?
