Back at work again. My friend keeps asking me why the hell I work so hard for my MIL who is not appreciative of my efforts at all? No easy answer. First and foremost, it's my work ethic. If I don't do this stuff, no one will. But on the other hand, I am certain that my chair will not get cold when I am no longer employed here. <shrug>
The second reason must be that I don't want to disappoint my MIL (although I am not sure how I could with as hard as I have worked for her for 6 years) because I still hold on to hope that with my changes and God's help, my M will reconcile.
Or, am I just driving myself crazy? My W is like so many spouses I have read about here who are so sure they are done and will never love their S again. As Amy pointed out, my job (as DB says) is to work on changing ME, which includes GAL. Right now I am moving, but don't think I am moving forward. Again, since I don't know where I am going, ANY road will get me there, right?
I wrapped up my whole persona in being a H and father. I lost me. No wonder my W lost interest in me long ago. I am having such a difficult time remembering what I found fun b4 I met my wife. I know that she fell in love with me for a REASON (or 2 or 3). I am so unclear on how to find ME again. I read a great book, Wild at Heart which talks about a man finding his heart that he lost. Sounds like a great concept, and I know the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, but in which direction does that first step go. You see, I feel like I am blind and have NEVER been in this unfamiliar terrain. Ugh.
I know I will eventually be fine, it's just that right now I feel so weak and unsure. I actually always do land on my two feet despite my mistakes/messes. I just hate being in the valley, but that is where I learn what I am truly made of.
Any direction/suggestions for picking up my feet and moving in a positive/productive direction would be greatly appreciated. Again, I am going through my days, but if I am not with my children I feel lost and aimless. I know I won't feel this way forever, but that is NO consolation now. Perhaps working on a Sunday is part of my problem, no? I think it may be. Well, gotta get the heck out of here.
