This week has been hard. I'm second guessing every decision. Sometimes I wish I had no morals or conscience.

I'm gonna get flammed for this [Eek!] , but this about the only place I can be totally honest.

I think I'm in love with "OM". I'm really trying to sort out those feelings. We only knew each other 7 weeks before H decides to come back home. And he(OM) pushed me back to H, saying I needed to give my family a try. I've been in contact with OM by phone, mostly because he is my support. I talk to him about everything... work, school, H, OR, everything. He is very supportive and very understanding. We are friends, first and for most. We support eachother. OM and I met under odd circumstance. A friend invited me to meet another guy, but I ended up interested and watching OM umpire a game. He says its fate we met... he wasn't suppose to be on 1st base side, wasn't suppose to be on the field he was on, wasn't even suppose to be umping the younger age group. And I was suppose to be meeting another guy. So we had a lot in our favor as far as meeting. Our first telephone converstation was 3 hours long. After that we had 2 more 3 hour converstations and lots of converstaions over 2 hours. He says I "saved" him from some serious self destructive things... one being his ex-OW, she was still coming around to make his life hell. He revealed a lot to me that no one else knows (like sucidial thoughts). We finished each other sentences, knew what kind of mood eachother was in by our voices, agreed on political views, religous views (OM is a Christian, H is not)... I believe we are soul mates. We have a connection that H and I have never had.

My life with OM would be wonderful. He's said and proved to me numerous times that he would make me happy. We would have no financial worries, he would make a great step-dad to my DD, and I would to his DD, the only thing would be my H. He would make my life a living hell, if possible. We would travel, visit things we've talked and dreamed about.

I'm really torn between whats right (giving my H a chance) and doing what makes me happy (being with OM). I know, I'm turning into that WAW... and I hate that label. Most people would love to be in my sit. H leaves and then miraculously reappears. And of course, there is DD. Her dad leaving again would totally devastate her. She's 5 and right now, having dad around 24/7 is heaven. To me, its not. This morning I actually felt sorry for him because I was a total bitch to him (but I've been that way with everyone today!)

I've got a lot to work on and a lot to pray about... which I did on the way to work this morning. I prayed that God will give me the wisdom and peace to make the decision that will glorify him, and then he'll give me the strength and peace to carry out that decision. I'm just having a hard time opening my heart and listening to God and what he is telling me to do. I guess I need to spend several days in prayer.

Here I am again... confused and stubbling!
W&M