It sound like you are in a pretty detached state now. That is good condsidering what you need to do for the sake of your M. You should realize that I one of the more aggressive people on the BB and not everyone would be comfortable with the way I "handle" things. First of all, hold him to his promises. He made them, he can keep them. He his disrespecting you if breaks them. I am all for being open. Tell him exactly what you expect. That is fair because it is still his decision to do it or not. I have done this a couple of times with good success. Also ask him what he needs from the R. That gives you the opportunity to lead by example.
The OM distorting your thoughts is no different than when one of my W best friends told me what a "catch" I was. My W friend made me realize that I deserved better treatment. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be treated appropriately by our SO. If anything gain strength from what others say. It helps to gain back that strength that we so desperately need.
On tip that helped me a lot was to lower my expectations. You can ask just don't expect. Less chance for disapointment then and they don't feel as much pressure.
