Thanks tbone... your right... I'm confused. I'm still stuck in the defensive mode. I feel love for my H, but I'm not sure what kind. I'm working through the pain and broken promises and its hard.
And most will say my confusion is coming from the "OM", but I'm not sure its from him personally... or just the fact that I KNOW how I should be treated, what someone should be telling me everyday. I've had a little piece of heaven, someone telling me everyday that I'm beautiful, special, strong, that I make them happy just being me. I think every relationship should be like that. I want my H to appreciate me... I need to hear what he thinks of me. By him telling me that, it reinforces it within myself. And thats a good thing. It helps me be self confident and strong. And you know what... the more he tells me that, the more I'll tell him.
What worries me is that H is so intent on coming home (he's basically moved back in) that he doesn't get the fact that we are "working" on our relationship. That he is trying so hard that he won't see that I'm not happy. I've got to keep up my PMA to be strong and assertive. I also worry that I'll never let my guard down. I almost feel as I have a "what ever" attitude and it may never go away. I never want to hurt like I did in March. And I'm worried that because I can't let down my guard that I'll never be truly happy.
Sometime else.... H promised to stop going by the bar, promised to give up ball, drinking, dipping, hunting... whatever to make me happy. I know that I can't ask that or he won't be happy. But Friday he went by the bar. And then he played ball Saturday and is planing another tournament this weekend. Should I say something, or go on with life? What if his one stop a week at the bar turns into 2 days a week... then 3 times a week. I can't do it and I won't. I don't want to.
