I hope to find some answers here. We just recovered from my H wanting to move out. He said all the classic MLC lines ie. I'm not in love with you anymore, we've grown apart, we have nothing in common, we fight about everything, we are exact opposites, etc. He decided to stay about a month ago. We have been reading DR and DB, especially the part about falling back "in love". We are doing a lot better communicating but dreadful in the bedroom. We have been together 16 years and the first 7 of those were a honeymoon. We made love almost every night and it was mutually satisfying on all levels. Our M was the envy of all our friends. Two people couldn't have been more connected or in love than we were.
He returned from a 6 month Navy deployment the end of '97 and things never got back to what they were. There were some tragedies that happened here while the ship was away. He came home and expected to take up right where he left off. I was different and upset with him for not understanding my changes. I went on anti-depressents and didn't realize what an impact they had on libido. We started having less sex. This went on for 3-4 years. I stopped the AD's and my libido returned.
At this point H wasn't interested anymore. He said that he got tired of being turned down and just got used to not having sex. I was upset by this, but could understand it. I tried talking about it to him, but it didn't seem like it mattered. We were only having sex occasionally and only if I initiated it. Most of the time I got turned down. I couldn't believe it was the same man I married who wanted sex all the time.
I had been up and down with my weight all my adult life. At this point I was up. He told me he didn't desire me because of my weight. So I lost 30 pounds and he still didn't want me.
In 2002 We transferred to a new duty station and the master bedroom was on the second floor. He said he didn't want to sleep up there because it was hot. I'm always cold, he's always hot. He moved downstairs and left the windows open all night. It was freezing down there and I couldn't sleep, so I stayed upstairs.
I did everything I could think of to make him happy and proud of me so he would want me. We had the prettiest house, the best parties, entertained his superiors. I was always trying new recipes, he loves my cooking. But nothing I did was ever enough. He still didn't want me in bed.
I would say to him that I wanted him to come and visit me tonight. He would say not tonight, tomorrow night. I felt like it took him 24 hours to get psyched up for ML. We still had great sex - when we had it - maybe once a month.
We bought our "retirement" home in North Carolina while he still had a year left in the Navy. I moved and he stayed in New Jersey to finish his Navy career. We saw each other at least twice a month and seemed to have as much sex as time would allow.
When he retired and moved into our home we slept together for just a short while. He said my snoring kept him awake so he moved into the guest room. I went to the doctor and did the sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea - which I do - and am in the process of getting that resolved. In the mean time we haven't had sex for 6 months. The last time we did have sex, I could tell he was forcing himself to do it. It was physically satisfying, but emotionally empty. I felt like a hooker, used..........and like the most undesireable woman on the planet.
That's when all this crap came up about him moving out. Since he decided to stay we have talked about my sexual issues and he says he can't just have sex with me, it has to be love. And he is not in love with me. He is just sitting back waiting for the "magical" feeling of love to spontaneous come back. I am at a loss as to what to do. I have told him I am not going to pressure him to have sex, when he's ready, he'll come to me. But I do need other forms of physical touch. Just last night I told him we could just lay in bed together and cuddle. I told him to try it, he might like it.
All this from a man who said one of the reasons he married me was because I loved sex. I have told him "guess what, I still love sex" Honestly I would be happy for once a week, maybe once every 2 weeks. This last dry spell has got me cranky, angry, frustrated, lonely, you name it, I've been through all the emotions. I refuse to let it bother my self esteem. I work out, I'm a good weight, I take care of myself. Learned how to GAL and am really enjoying everything else about my life.
It's more than the sex, I just want to feel connected to my H. I want to feel loved and desired as a woman. I need physical touch to feel special. All the things he could do before but not now. Why???? Now all I get is the kiss goodbye in the morning and good night. The same way you would kiss a child. It makes me so sad. He just seems to have one excuse after another. His parents sleep in seperate rooms and have for years. He may think that's normal and OK. I told him it's not OK for me. The first 7 years we wouldn't dream of going to bed without the other no matter what time it was or what was going on.
How do you go about getting testerone checked? His yearly physical is coming up and I can suggest that. I know for females it is a saliva test collected at home and mailed in. I am in the peri-menopause stage and can't even be irrational about anything. It would freak H out and send him running, I'm afraid. I am having to keep myself in check at all times. It's exhausting.
I am so looking forward to Michele's book. It is so frustrating finding something to read about SSW. It's always about the man............
Thanks for listening, it feels good to vent. Shels
SR- the board is slow (for new stories) on the weekend, but I wanted to keep you on the first page. There are several women here in sitches similar to yours. Stick around... welcome.
H and I had a talk tonight and I asked him several questions pertaining to our sexual differences and the conversation took on an all out discussion about our M. We have both been trying to make it better and it is better in some ways. I thought we were both committed to sticking it out and addressing each of our problems as a team. Apparently, I was mistaken. Granted, he does say he is committed to trying, but also says he doesn't FEEL any different in his heart towards me than he did 6 weeks ago when he wanted to move out.
I guess I am expecting too much too soon. I am trying with all my might to be patient. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. He admits he doesn't see me as a sexual interest. He admits he doesn't think we are going to make it together forever. He even admitted that if I met someone else who could fulfill my needs and love me the way I deserve to be loved it would be OK with him. In fact he said he hopes I do meet someone else.???????? I asked him why, would that let you off the hook???
He said I am the perfect wife. I do everything any man could ever dream of. He said I'm beautiful, inside and out. He said I'm a highly sexed woman and that I'm hot in the bedroom. He said I take care of anything he asks me to do (15 years of being a left behind Navy spouse) I am pretty good at taking care of business. He even said I make a really great room mate !!!!!! I said "no sh*t, I do everything for you. Clean, cook, laundry, yard work, I even do windows!!!!!!!!!!!!! He just doesn't feel it in his heart. My heart is breaking.
I thought we had turned a corner on the whole issue of splitting up. I thought we had made a committment to staying together. We are very determinded people who once we decide what we want, nothing can stop us. We work our butts off to get what we want. I thought we wanted the same thing. I guess not, he is still on the fence.
I told him I would wait for him to feel the love again, but that we had to take steps to TRY to get that loving feeling again. I also told him I would not wait forever. I NEED a love connection and this lack of any connection is wearing me down. He asked how long I would wait and I said I didn't know right now. I guess I would know when I got there. I wouldn't give him any kind of time line. I guess when I'm ready to give up, I'll know. Until then, I believe that we will get through this and be grateful for it. Because we will have such a much better beautiful marriage afterwards.
He asked my why I keep hanging on and what am I waiting for and I told him the same thing I said in the last paragraph. I told him I wanted to be the one holding him in my arms when he takes his last breath or I wanted him to be holding me when I take my last breath. You know what he asked me?????????????????? What about in between now and then.................. what are we going to do??? I feel like I can't get through to this man I have been with for 16 years.
He also said to me, "don't ask questions that you may not want to hear the answers to" OUCH, where have I heard that before? I know I need to back off. I have been reading DR again and I have questions. What am I supposed to do. Believe me, I rehearse in my head what I am going to say and I put it as gently and without pushing as much as I know how to do. Please give me some insight. I need your help..........
Hey shel, I don't think we're ignoring you. I think the lack of response may be because your thread should be on the "newcomers" board. I say that because it sounds like you need to "divorce bust," rather than to do what we focus on here, which is, primarily, address the sexual problems of marriages that seem, otherwise, not necessarily headed to divorce.
But maybe someone will drop in and inform you otherwise.
OK, I’ll bite…. Sex is not the issue. It sounds to me like you are the classic pursuer, he is the classic avoider. This is what I see so far. Correct me if I’m wrong:
Your life is completely wrapped up in serving your H, to the point that you have no life of your own, no sense of who you are as a person or what you stand for. Your validation and sense of security comes from having your H appreciate all you do for him. You are dependent on him to reflect back to you that you are a good person. Without him, this feeling is lost. Can you see that you are extremely codependent? My guess is that you have strong abandonment issues, just like so many other pursuers. You need to look into your past, your family of origin (FOO) to understand why you are this way and therefore what you can do to heal this.
I also get the impression there is no excitement or spark in your marriage. Your life has become boring. But your H is in the Navy. I don’t know of many men who go into the armed services looking for a quiet, boring life. They are adrenaline junkies and need the “fix” of danger and excitement to keep them positive in life. While I think there are many who have chemical imbalances, there are others who look to this type of excitement as a way to avoid facing emotional issues. They are afraid to look into themselves and face whatever pain might be there (most likely coming from their FOO).
Now you are flooding your H with more emotion than he is comfortable with. On top of that he sees the “reward” of fixing the marriage as a lifetime of having you serve him. Way too boring to be of any interest for him. He is trained as a hunter. Where is the hunt with you?
My advice is to look through this board on some of threads by myself, Heather, Blackfoot, Lillieperl and many others. Get some books on codependency and work on you first. Become a real person and make yourself exciting and something a hunter like your H would want to capture. Also think about breaking out of your shell of mundane daily life. This is what I read in your H’s comments regarding what should you two do between now and when you die in each other’s arms. He wants a life, an exciting, passionate life. You want a safe, secure, quiet home life wrapped under his protection. From his point of view – yuck!
Shels, sorry for the lack of responses... one thing you quoted that sent up a huge red flag for me: "Don't ask questions you may not want the answers to."
Could he be involved with someone else? He's been away a lot... I'm wondering. Has that come up?
I had the same thought Lil. ShelsRay - do you suspect that your H has an extra-marital involvement? Has he ever? Not to cause more problems than are already there but I was noting the line that Lillie did as well as the part where he said that he doesn't see this M working long term. Sounds like someone else, maybe an emotional affair?
No wife wants to think that there could be an OW. but I am 99.9% sure there isn't one. He has been brutally honest with what his feelings are and he told me the night of our talk that there is no one else and no one he is even remotely interested in. I believe him. I know he wouldn't have changed his mind about staying if there were some one else. He said the last time he had sex was the last time I had sex (in January). He is very straight forward and no he has not had an affair before. He has always said that you just don't put yourself in that situation. He calls when he leaves work to let me know what time he'll be home. He's never late and I know where he is.
I know I have to be more patient - hard for me to do. It just hurts so bad and makes me so sad that he doesn't want me.
Thanks for responding. Your post gave me food for thought. But no, my life is not completely wrapped up in serving my husband. I am a stay at home wife and my job is to take care of the house. I have a life of my own. I have my own friends, go places without my husband, etc. In fact, in August I am going on a "girls getaway" with 7 girlfriends to Florida for 10 days in the sun. I have been "acting as if" and GAL . I make plans on my own and don't expect him to join in. Nice if he does though. I feel that I don't have anything to prove and I am happy with everything else in my life. I just want my H to love me the way he used to.
You are right on the money though about our M being dull and boring. We have ignored our M for too long and it got kicked to the curb. I didn't know how to take care of a marriage - i guess I thought love would get us through anything. I was wrong. Now since I've read DB and DR more than once I can see all the mistakes we both made and solutions to turn things around.
I never thought about military men being adrenaline junkies, needing danger and excitement, but I think you may be on to something. He is a very busy guy. He is General Manager of a very large Harley-Davidson dealership now and all that that entails. I ride my own Harley and we do enjoy that hobby together. Doesn't like much TV and wants to be on the run all the time.
I will check out some of the threads you mentioned.
