H and I had a talk tonight and I asked him several questions pertaining to our sexual differences and the conversation took on an all out discussion about our M. We have both been trying to make it better and it is better in some ways. I thought we were both committed to sticking it out and addressing each of our problems as a team. Apparently, I was mistaken. Granted, he does say he is committed to trying, but also says he doesn't FEEL any different in his heart towards me than he did 6 weeks ago when he wanted to move out.
I guess I am expecting too much too soon. I am trying with all my might to be patient. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. He admits he doesn't see me as a sexual interest. He admits he doesn't think we are going to make it together forever. He even admitted that if I met someone else who could fulfill my needs and love me the way I deserve to be loved it would be OK with him. In fact he said he hopes I do meet someone else.???????? I asked him why, would that let you off the hook???
He said I am the perfect wife. I do everything any man could ever dream of. He said I'm beautiful, inside and out. He said I'm a highly sexed woman and that I'm hot in the bedroom. He said I take care of anything he asks me to do (15 years of being a left behind Navy spouse) I am pretty good at taking care of business. He even said I make a really great room mate !!!!!! I said "no sh*t, I do everything for you. Clean, cook, laundry, yard work, I even do windows!!!!!!!!!!!!! He just doesn't feel it in his heart. My heart is breaking.
I thought we had turned a corner on the whole issue of splitting up. I thought we had made a committment to staying together. We are very determinded people who once we decide what we want, nothing can stop us. We work our butts off to get what we want. I thought we wanted the same thing. I guess not, he is still on the fence.
I told him I would wait for him to feel the love again, but that we had to take steps to TRY to get that loving feeling again. I also told him I would not wait forever. I NEED a love connection and this lack of any connection is wearing me down. He asked how long I would wait and I said I didn't know right now. I guess I would know when I got there. I wouldn't give him any kind of time line. I guess when I'm ready to give up, I'll know. Until then, I believe that we will get through this and be grateful for it. Because we will have such a much better beautiful marriage afterwards.
He asked my why I keep hanging on and what am I waiting for and I told him the same thing I said in the last paragraph. I told him I wanted to be the one holding him in my arms when he takes his last breath or I wanted him to be holding me when I take my last breath. You know what he asked me?????????????????? What about in between now and then.................. what are we going to do??? I feel like I can't get through to this man I have been with for 16 years.
He also said to me, "don't ask questions that you may not want to hear the answers to" OUCH, where have I heard that before? I know I need to back off. I have been reading DR again and I have questions. What am I supposed to do. Believe me, I rehearse in my head what I am going to say and I put it as gently and without pushing as much as I know how to do. Please give me some insight. I need your help..........
