Kent! My good ole buddy and pal! As I've told you many times, you have helped me over some mighty rough spots! How are you and your wonderful family??! How nice to "see" you!
I'm back earlier than I thought and look forward to your seasoned opinion on this.
It is looking to me like there is a time for me to stop Divorce Busting. A time to build in a different way. I think the skills needed for "partnershiping" are different from divorce busting skills—lots of over lap but different. My H's and my experience is different from most here, but believe me folks, even though some of you may think I should view myself as having no problems, there are some serious obstacles before my H and I in getting our marriage where we want it to be. However, I think they are mostly serious misunderstandings.
Our issues aren't about loving each other, we do and we know it, individually. They are not about commitment, we are and we know it, individually (OK, on this one I still hope this is true fo him~). It has been about doing what it takes for the other to feel good about him/herself and to feel loved by the other and that has involved SHARING FEELINGS, PERCEIVED NEEDS without feeling apologetic for them, AND THOUGHTS HONESTLY and NOT KEEPING THEM INSIDE. It has been about rebuilding trust and confidence in ourselves and each other. Now I still need to do this VERY CAREFULLY (in the very best meaning of the word--with lots of love for myself and for my H). I still have many experiments ahead of me, plenty of times when I'll have to hold a thought a long, long time until I have come up with the wisest way to express it but those thoughts need to be expressed. I also need to be prepared not to skip a beat if my H decides my expressed need conflicts with his and so he will not honor it. But I think we have gone through a lot of pain in this phase of "piecing" because I have been afraid to share openly.
Perhaps it would help to have another level to this board that would give a place for one or both spouses to talk about things that come up after both parties have made the commitment to be full participants in the marriage after some serious difficulties. This situation has a different set of issues and they too can be very difficult and painful to navigate. We could add a whole new dimension to this marriage laboratory!
