We were fortunate because we moved 800 miles away from the OW. One way I knew he ended the emotional part was that when she contacted him twice after he broke it off, he told me and showed me the letters. We chose to ignore them which was the best choice for us.
He also confessed that his closest female friend let him know that she had feelings for him long ago and that he allowed her to say disrespectful things about me from right after we married. For that reason I feel like he never really married me. Oddly he did exactly what the man I dated before him did only he has been such a better liar. That's what really scares me.
One of his finest hours was when he shared a very flirtateous letter this friend wrote him where she also told him that he has seemed sad for so long and she remembers when he visited her he was so happy. With my encouragement and a little help with how to handle it, he wrote her back in the most lovely words as only he can and accurately told her that the reason he was so happy when he visited her was that he and I had decided to marry and he was on cloud nine. It was one of the best letters I ever read. This friend is still apologizing everytime we see her and his body language shows me he is serious about the limits he has set with her. For the first year and a half he tried hard. I tried hard also and still am.
Then a new women came along and I told him I was uncomfortable with the way they related to him. I asked him to change the frequency of contact with one of them. He flatly refused and I felt like he was puting me last again. A whole series of hurts followed that. That's when I had to start meds. Now I'm off them and doing OK. We do well for a while then poorly. Looks like I have to learn how to love him without giving him my heart because he just keeps breaking it. Then he acts all pitiful and guilty like I should feel sorry for him. It really is maddening but I am NOT going to let him get to me. My life is just too precious.
He liked Retrouvaille when we went, but stopped dialoging after a month or so. Now he says dialoging is artificial and, one of his favorite put-downs, "formulaic". It is what you make it but he can't see that. I have done poorly at keeping myself in check. I tend to be completely transparent and like to be that way but it isn't helpful in this situation. I need to love him from afar for now. I'm getting better at it. We've had some happy times and have created some good memories. He is trying to save his career, at least I hope that is what he is doing, and works all hours. We have very little time together. In many ways he is acting like he did during the affair but he adamantly denies any such thing. I'll keep working but hope to high heavens that like the Who song says, I "don't get fooled again". If I do, oh well, I gave it my best and I'm out of here. Sure hope I find out sooner than last time if that is the case!
I have found a new life in this new place and want to put my energy there. Time to move on. I'll be kind and loving but the limits are coming down. Hope we get through this phase and on to a better one soon. Wish the news were better but maybe it will be some day.
