Yesterday asked my H why he wants to buy a house with me if he is having depressions so bad (that he feels I am precipitating) that he wants to kill himself. He seemed surprised at the question said he loves me and wants to live with me in that house and that those depressions pass.

Had to communicate frequently about the house all through the day yesterday. Things are moving along on the house but need several more inspections and estimates for needed repairs.

Weird but sort of calm evening last night. I said nothing (just had no words) when he got home but I was calm, (now that is very different!). He didn't talk either. He started working, we had dinner and meaningless but pleasant conversation, watched the middle third of a good movie we'd seen the end of on the tube.

Spoke to my stress provoking parents but didn't let my dad get to me.

H worked on a grant.

As usual, late to bed and H reading till very late. Made love but it was very difficult and unsatisfying for me for emotional reasons and seemed frustrating for him because foreplay was different and took longer than usual (sorry if that's more than you wanted to know ). This am he talked a long time about work before he left and as usual acted like I was keeping him. Think my comments were helpful with perhaps a few off base as usual. I tried to playfully shoo him out the door but he didn't completely get the humor.

Thurs we go to my therapist and I'm not bringing up OR till then but will be delighted to talk if he wants to before we go. Even when we see the therapist, I will express my concerns about his suicidal thoughts and try to mostly listen.

Now thinking I will agree to proceed with the house to show I am committed to him but I don't want to live with someone who thinks I'm torturing him and he is being some brave martyr.

In this last episode he thought I was "interrogating" him because I asked him what was his understanding of our next step on the house. He thinks asking for a recap of what we said amounts to "infantalizing" him. When I ask if there is any way for me to be sure we are understanding each other that would be acceptable to him, he has no suggestions. We signed the contract on this house with me not understanding that was the plan for the day. I thought we were going to negotiate further. What to do?

I am staying pretty calm, I'm trying to trust the process, but my marriage is taking up more of my energy than makes sense to give. We are 3 years now past the revelation of the 5 year affair and we've yet to celebrate our 10th anniversary (early Sept). OK, Whine alert! PMA, PMA, PMA!!!!!!!