Well maybe the dips and highs are at least getting further apart.
Tough weekend. We are at a major transition time, buying a house, and I thought we were getting pretty stable but my H surprised me with some very negative feelings. He felt I provoked them because I brought up the affair, at a bad time, to try to explain how I was seeing sexual concerns that I have been having. He got so depressed that he told me he wanted to kill himself. Today he says that he would not act on that wish and that his depressions like this only last for a couple hours then pass. He had such a tough childhood that perhaps he thinks these kinds of feelings are just part of life. I do not share that view and am worried about him. Of course this was a very loud message for me to not bring up the affair, OK, OK.
I still hope that some evidently far off day we will be able to talk about that affair just like we talk about other difficult times in our history, as partners who helped each other through a painful period. How can people be over a past event if they are traumatized every time they talk about it? That means it still has power over them, that there is something to dread. Healing to me would mean no blame, just compassion but no avoidance either. I have heard of many couples who accomplish this (Retrovaille is full of them) and wish we could have this freedom. However I realize my H isn't there and there really isn't anything I can do but accept that, wait, and try to help him feel more comfortable.
I have apologized, told him that I love him, and want to support him but that it is very hard for me to feel comfortable going ahead with this major investment if he is so unhappy with me. During the affair we lost a bundle on a huge investment in a house because I didn't know what was going on. Now I feel like I know we aren't stable so shall I still plow ahead? Shall I go participate in this commitment, now, knowing that we are still so broken? To me it's a little like people who have a baby to try to save their marriage. Get the marriage healthy first then have the baby.
I had some pretty nihilistic thoughts during my depression but I am happy to say that I haven't thought like that even for a minute for quite some time. I will stand by him through his depressions and stay engaged. I will not emotionally abandon him. He has agreed to go to see my therapist Thurs. because of my reluctance re the house. I want to use the session well. Hope I can figure out how to do that. I want to give him a vote of confidence by going ahead with the house but I don't want to be unwise. This house will stretch our finances so will create some additional stress but we both love it and we've looked for a long, long time. We both need a permanent home but the stability needs to be between us or this will just be an expensive house not a home. Thoughts anyone?
