Well, at least I think we are a fascinating family.

Last night that little goal was met even before I set it. Plus now there is a new plan.

Here is the background:
My father in his old age is reverting back to the way he treated me when I was a teen-ager--not a pretty picture. My mom tells me that her experience of being a parent of 3 mid-life adult children is just about as worrisome as parenting teenagers so I guess I should cut them some slack. I do OK while talking to my dad but when I get off the phone it helps me so much to talk about what happened and how I can better handle it. Also the issues at hand required several decisions that involved my H so I had to talk to him.

My H surprised me by coming home earlier than I thought he would. (He only worked from 4:30am-7pm amazing! He napped at work, as he often does on days like this, in effort to work as much as possible.) He was tired of course and a little cranky and within the first 5 minutes of being home attempted to give me a nutrition lesson. Eating is a sore spot for me at the moment and I know much more about nutrition than he does and he knows it. At least he should know it now! Hmmmm, he generally doesn't pay enough attention to have much of a clue as to what I know so he probably didn't know. Anyway, I firmly, but in no way abusively, set him straight and that subject ended. I think one reason my H married me is that I can generally hold my own in a firm but respectful way. I think this conversation somehow allowed what followed.

I started telling him about the conversation with my dad and you will never guess what happened! He gave solid evidence that he was LISTENING!!! He did this by asking me intelligent, thoughtful questions designed primarily to help him understand the situation and a couple of them helped me think more clearly about how I could interact better with my dad. Now those couple that really helped me think, that's what I'm really after because then we are functioning like partners. At this point, we don't have that and that is why I pay a therapist. NOT TELL me what to think, (thankfully my H has never done much of that--my dad has claimed this job that helps me like a hole in the head, hmmmm, that is probably one of the reasons I love my H and married him). JUST help me think for myself more clearly. Yes folks, the tangents continue [Smile] but isn't that an important part of what being a good friend, a good parent, a good spouse is about: listening well enough and calmly enough to allow the object of all that love to figure it out for him/herself? I think the calm part mostly comes from realizing that this other person is equal in their personhood to you and ultimately have the right to choose their behavior and from having faith in them that they will at least eventually find their way to peace of mind.

Anyway [Smile] things got even more interesting with my H. When I saw that he was REALLY listening, I was touched. “Positive feedback”, I thought, and proceeded to tell him that I appreciated his questions. You’ll never guess what happened. He just petered out completely. No more questions. He thanked me but then glazed over and stopped listening. It occurred to me that next time maybe I could try physical feedback—a hug perhaps or try to use it to get back some sexual feelings for him. When he wants to express appreciation I think he thinks of sex first when really what I need is words. Maybe if I take a step into his mode—without any expectation—we will see some other surprises.

So the goal is: My H will show me he is listeing by asking questions (I'm prepared to wait a long time for this to happen again if necessary).

When this happens I will not comment but take full advantage of his listening. After the conversation I will be physically affectionate and still not say a word. Does this sound like a good plan?
2L
PS
Goal 2: Master the short post. [Wink]