andy, as usual your advice is well taken. i have told my h i take resposibility for my part in our problems. i did this after he left and i believe it was a factor in him coming home. he was only 20 when we got married. he is also an alcoholic. he would binge drink and then go long periods of time avoiding it. my part in the problems was more reactionary. i became more fearful and focused on him as time when on and lost myself. i let him do what ever he wanted and accepted unacceptable behavior in an effort to keep him.this was a manipulation on my part however at the time i did not recognize this. i also placed him on a pedestal and spent lots of energy building him up. again, manipulation...don't leave me. of course he felt like crap all the time because he wasn't great, he had lots of shame about his bad behavior and why was his wife not setting boundries or limits. so he kept pushing the limits. what a crazy cycle we had. i am going to reread your post again and absorb some more. thankyou so much. outside insight is so helpful, it's hard to see clearly when so much emotion is involved. thank you,lisa
