Rachael - Sometimes the greatest weapon in this battle can be a good sense of humor. For both you and your R.
ANS is absolutely correct in the "patterns of thinking" comment. It HAS to be broken by someone, or it will continue on.
How often do you use your sense of humor to diffuse a potentially difficult time? What are some ways you might be able to get him to laugh instead of him turning into a craphead?
Just some food for thought.
JJ
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Ok guys. It was hell last night. I was shaking all over while he was gone,, but composed when he got home. Of course my mind would wander to if there has been contact with the OW. I very gently asked him this morning. He promised me tht he has had no contact with her, nor does he want to. Did he sound real convincing. no. not really. Just short simple answers. Its hard to keep your mouth shut when they falsly accuse you. Slurred speech! I sat there and had a whole conversation with the Dr. Our son would have most assuredly said something had my speech been slurred! When he gopt home I hugged him and told him I was sorry,and asked him if he was and he said yes. You can count on one time the number of times the man has voluntrily told me he was sorry, so I was not going to let this one go by without him at least acknowedging he had some part in it.It was probably wrong to make him say it, but if he wasn.t the least bit sorry and still mad he would not have said he was.I guess it was my way of nuetralizing the sitchuation. This morning he wished me a happy birthday (I'm 47 today) and was nice, but still wanted nothing to do with me sexually. He got out of bed before anything could happen. When it was safe and he was dressed he came over and lay next to me at MY request and that's when I asked him about the OW, Not accusatroy like he had been. Its just that I think I see a pattern of this distancing every week around the same time. Maybe its my imagination, I don't know anymore. All I know is I don't know anything anymore. He was very sweet and told me he loved me several times-a total turn around from last night except he did not want me. That is VERY out of character for him pre-OW.He jst hurt me so bad by the way he was so cold and indifferent last night. And I am the peacemaker because I can't stand to be at odds like that. I smoothed things over and he was ok,but He hurt his back lifing a door before he came home and used it as an excuse not to have sex. Before OW NOTHING would have stopped him! SO. if I geth this right, I just keep my mouth shut when he says things like he did about the slurred speech and when he acts like he does not want me to go with himn someplace -just let it go? Don't ask questions or try to talk about it? It does not matter, he turns it around and makes it seem like its all my fault when all I was trying to do was understand wehre he was coming from with all this craziness. It had me scared-scared that he was avoidingme because of "her". You say no, its not that. I hope your right. If not,he's the biggest liar I've ever known if he can look into my eyes and tell me he has not had any contact with her and then tell me he loves me! I want out of this craziness! I told him I just wanted us to have a normal , happy life again only better than it was. He did not say anything. He is not much for talking. Today is goingto be a long day. It would have been very nice since it was my birthday to have him forego his ususal taking his employees out to breakfast and opted to do somethign with me-I wouldhave done that for him,but then they're not like us are they? Rachael M.
Oh, and about the humor thing-he would have though I was mocking him had I tried to use humore, but I do agree-it can be a good thing an dI'll make a mental note next itme we start to get into this. I've been sooo good about not letting this get to this point! What can I say? We all backslide from time to time. Rachael M.
Andy is quite right about patterns espescially about who is right or wrong. Michelle wrote about this in her book. If you want to break the pattern of right/wrong, you must realize it simply does not matter who is right or wrong and cease to participate any futher in the dispute.
You posted:
quote: Then when we left HE had to go deliver some windows to a jop and hlaf heartedly asked if I wanted to go and I said do you want me to go? He said It doesn't matter, I don't care either way. WEll, That hurt my feelings so of course I didn't want to go then.
In the above, the oppurtune time to break the pattern was to act "as-if" he wanted you to go and just say "Yes!" and go. It was not a real stretch to act, because he really did wantd you to go or he would not have asked. By asking, "Do you want me to go?", you put him on the defensive because he had already asked you and doesn't feel the need to repeat it. This just perpetuated the pattern rather than changing towards a more positive outcome.
Kaw-good point. I should hve just gone,but I woud have been bored to tears because he ended up staying for over an hr.!! Next time I won't fall into THAT trap again. Man these people are sooo touchy somtimes! Rachael M.
You're right about humour turning against you. If you try to lighten things up wrt something he's sensitive about, then he'll surely think you're mocking him. On the other hand, if you use self-depricating humour, then you run the risk of him joining in, and you feel mocked.
Best to start with neutral - kinda third party - humour. Laughter really can lighten things up as long as you're both laughing. That's why I recommended a comedy club. If that's not available, how about a humourous movie?
Or sometimes it's just little things that happen. One day, a long time ago, W and I were holding hands when she felt a sneeze coming on. Well, she covered up her mouth when she sneezed, but neglected to let go of my hand.
It was funny. I still laugh about it.
It's all a matter of getting away from the over-sensitive stuff. You have to admit it, Rachael. Your H doesn't have the monopoly on hypersensitivity in your R, does he?
andy, i think you are very wise. i have really enjoyed reading your thoughts and advice. while reading here something struck me and i thought i'd comment on it. my h now assumes every argument is because of the affairs. he thinks that when i talk about something relationship oriented it must have something to do with the affair. every mad feeling i get must be because of the affair. he in turn gets irritated and dismissive when i initiate ors because he feels he has made so many positive changes and why can't i see that. what he has trouble realizing is that our problems are pre affair. or else he wouldn't have had an affair. he doesn't get that we need to fix these pre affair problems or i will be a waw. i am so sad and frustrated. i feel lost. he makes a tiny change which seems like a huge sacrifice for him and i am suppose to call the dallas cheerleaders to do a cheer for him on our front lawn. every good thing he does is a sacrifice to me and he resents it if i don't rejoice immediately. rachael, does this resonate with you at all? i got to get of the pity pot, don't i?lisa
You said a mouthful. Since this thought just struck you, I assume that you haven’t told him this. D’ya think he’d be open to listen? Sometimes just stating something like this clearly works.
There’s a few things I see in this post.
Firstly, his fixation on one problem. We all do this. It’s something that he feels guilty about. Wishes it never happened, and therefore it’s a sore spot. That’s why he always assumes that this is the core of all problems. It’s also why he’s so touchy about it. He just wants it to go away. He’s hoping that his changes will make it go away and therefore your problems will be solved if only you would let it go.
Also, you say your problems are pre-A. If that is so, then you’re admitting that it isn’t all one sided. You both contributed to your problems. Does he realize this? Sounds to me like he feels that you’re laying it all on him. Again, if you were to tell him that you don’t blame him for everything, it might put the stoppers to this thought pattern.
The measure of a sacrifice isn’t how big a deal it is for you so much as how big a deal it is for him. Perhaps his sacrifices are bigger than you realize. OK. Maybe not all of them, but some of them. And I suspect that he thinks you don’t appreciate them at all.
I got caught in that trap for a long time. It was a sort of one upmanship. Who’s making the most sacrifices? Well, it’s not a contest, is it?
I read a little book called Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love. One of the “rules” that they lay out is, “Throw away the scorecard.” I took this to heart, and instead of complaining about how hard my life was, I just worked as hard as I could to make my W’s life easier. I think W thought I took on a holier than thou attitude, but eventually, she believed in my sincerity.
I don’t remember which thread I posted it on (I think it was on my first one), but I remember how happy I was when I heard W say to our kids (in a moment of frustration), “At least papa respects me.”
It’s not easy to throw away the scorecard, but if you can manage it, your spouse will throw away his/hers too.
andy, as usual your advice is well taken. i have told my h i take resposibility for my part in our problems. i did this after he left and i believe it was a factor in him coming home. he was only 20 when we got married. he is also an alcoholic. he would binge drink and then go long periods of time avoiding it. my part in the problems was more reactionary. i became more fearful and focused on him as time when on and lost myself. i let him do what ever he wanted and accepted unacceptable behavior in an effort to keep him.this was a manipulation on my part however at the time i did not recognize this. i also placed him on a pedestal and spent lots of energy building him up. again, manipulation...don't leave me. of course he felt like crap all the time because he wasn't great, he had lots of shame about his bad behavior and why was his wife not setting boundries or limits. so he kept pushing the limits. what a crazy cycle we had. i am going to reread your post again and absorb some more. thankyou so much. outside insight is so helpful, it's hard to see clearly when so much emotion is involved. thank you,lisa
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