You said a mouthful. Since this thought just struck you, I assume that you haven’t told him this. D’ya think he’d be open to listen? Sometimes just stating something like this clearly works.
There’s a few things I see in this post.
Firstly, his fixation on one problem. We all do this. It’s something that he feels guilty about. Wishes it never happened, and therefore it’s a sore spot. That’s why he always assumes that this is the core of all problems. It’s also why he’s so touchy about it. He just wants it to go away. He’s hoping that his changes will make it go away and therefore your problems will be solved if only you would let it go.
Also, you say your problems are pre-A. If that is so, then you’re admitting that it isn’t all one sided. You both contributed to your problems. Does he realize this? Sounds to me like he feels that you’re laying it all on him. Again, if you were to tell him that you don’t blame him for everything, it might put the stoppers to this thought pattern.
The measure of a sacrifice isn’t how big a deal it is for you so much as how big a deal it is for him. Perhaps his sacrifices are bigger than you realize. OK. Maybe not all of them, but some of them. And I suspect that he thinks you don’t appreciate them at all.
I got caught in that trap for a long time. It was a sort of one upmanship. Who’s making the most sacrifices? Well, it’s not a contest, is it?
I read a little book called Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love. One of the “rules” that they lay out is, “Throw away the scorecard.” I took this to heart, and instead of complaining about how hard my life was, I just worked as hard as I could to make my W’s life easier. I think W thought I took on a holier than thou attitude, but eventually, she believed in my sincerity.
I don’t remember which thread I posted it on (I think it was on my first one), but I remember how happy I was when I heard W say to our kids (in a moment of frustration), “At least papa respects me.”
It’s not easy to throw away the scorecard, but if you can manage it, your spouse will throw away his/hers too.
