Need advice now..time to talk with wah

[grasshopper]

First of all, stick with this thread and keep posting to it. It helps us keep up with you. Don't worry if you don't get a lot of response early on. Just keep posting. People WILL help.

Disclaimer: I have not read your entire sitch so...

Now we talked and H said it was no one of my business ..his personal life.

After a year of separation I assume he feels pretty much like a single guy with a right to privacy. I can understand why he feels that way, and to a certain extent, he's right. I know it sucks, but to him, the D may be just a formality, especially when it concerns HIM dating, etc. You on the other hand, well of course, that's different...as in...

Which , I find strange because during the no contact he attempted several times to speak to me.

It's the old double standard. It's ok for him to do whatever but for you, well, not. It's his problem, not yours.

What have I done wrong? He sounded angry yesterday when I confronted him about it and still denied it.

You just answered your own question. He's angry over being caught, or maybe his own guilt, or you snooping, or whatever. In any case, stop worrying so much about how he feels and worry more about what you do and how YOU feel.

He is coming here at 300 to talk. I'm not even sure what to say.

To talk about what? If you don't know what to say, or don't want to talk, then don't. Just listen, validate him and then end the conversation. You don't really have to SAY anything. Gather information, don't get emotional and see what happens.

I thought things were going better with no contact but now H is being cold and uncaring.

There are no guarantees when you "go dark". That's why it's somewhat risky, but the main reason you do it is so you can concentrate on the personal business you need to take care of, i.e. GAL and such.

He SEEMS to be cold and uncaring. If he is still getting angry at you, calling you, meeting with you, etc, he still cares and is closer to hot than cold. It's just not the kind of heat you want.

My family and friends just tell me to accept it is over but I find it hard to believe H would have changed that much after 15 yrs and not care whathappens?

It is VERY important to understand that these are two very different things...and the same too (sorry, cryptic). Your friends and family (who you probably need to involve less, not more in your sitch) are probably telling you something like "He's the biggest a-hole to ever walk the Earth and you need to dump his loser a$$. You're better than him." if they could just say it the way they see it in their mind/hearts.

That is different than you accepting that he HAS changed and is not the same man that wanted the same things you wanted all those years. He is going through a time where he is intensely aware of what he wants and it's not about you. What he wants has nothing to do with you, hurting you, helping you, staying married to you, etc. It's all about him and what makes him happy.

It IS that he doesn't care what happens, one way or another with the current marriage you two have. He cares deeply what happens to HIM and in that respect, if he were to decide that his marriage to you and life with the family was more appealing, or somehow held more for him in the future, then he would probably begin to think more about it, i.e. care more about it. Right now, you have your perception of him as an uncaring, cold a-hole, just like he maybe thinks of you as a clingy, desperate woman without a life. Neither perceptions are likely reality much beyond how each of your actions make the other feel.

That brings to mind a quote that applies...substitute any emotional word you want for anger... "Your anger is not about what someone else is doing but how you FEEL about it." In other words, nobody else can MAKE you angry if you choose not to feel that way. Same goes for many other emotional reactions.

Some say this ow is something new and refreshing.

To him it is, but he is likely running from his own problems and thinking that this "new and refreshing" thing will cure all his issues and give him the happiness he wants so much. He still hasn't discovered that until he looks inside, he is not really going to find true, lasting happiness.

What can I do to win H back.

DB, DR, PM, 5 Love Languages, 4 Agreements, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus...etc.

I love him and forgive him even though he has played on my emotions.

Is that true. Have you REALLY forgiven him? If so, why all the anxiety? Isn't it closer to the truth to say that you WOULD forgive him if he'd only come back and stop all this?

Before no contact H tried kissing me and hugging me but I didn't let him..was I wrong.

That depends. The obvious answer is no, you were not wrong because that was obviously a boundary for you. The less clear thing is if in the abstract you are asking if you may have worsened your sitch. That is not something you can know so forget about it. Instead, focus on the boundary that you had preventing that and decide if it still works for you. If he tried again, what would you do? Why?

We have been separated for a year and we always had a relationship until i stopped it..now did i mess up?

If you stopped the relationship because you didn't accept it the way it was and would not pursue it until things changed, then no, you didn't make a mistake. If you stopped it because you thought that somehow ending things would bring him back because he missed you so much, then yes, you may have made a mistake. That's why ultimatums are dangerous. We are often not willing to accept them choosing option B.

Again, don't dwell on it. Move forward. Commit to being positive in this convo. Don't react if he tells you things about the A or OW. Just validate and move on. If you don't want to fight, then don't.

Keep it about D6. Keep it about something light and upbeat and if he insists on R talking, listen a lot and talk very little.

GH