Quote: YOO HOO things are going really well keep my fingers crossed... Today as a matter of fact he called me at 9:30 am and asked me to call him later etc etc etc... fantastic... I am pleased with the progress and you are right about the grieving ,, I went thru a similiar sitch with an ex boyfriend when I met my Husband ,,I never loved him like I have always loved my husband but ,I cared that I was hurting him soooooooo much by rejecting his offer to be my boyfriend again,, I was and still am madly in love with my Husband.
So I think thats where the calmness comes, cause I understand the guilt. I feel so optimistic and serene and then once in a while fear terror seeps in my thoughts,,, thank God I dont let it poison my daily interactions like I have in the past. This going thru hell and coming out the other side has really opened my eyes to how much my behavior, my mood, my amount of self esteem, the way I made love, the time I spent focusing on the problems instead of focusing on the solution,, how to really make a commitment to show my love daily,,,how all of me really has a great effect on him. My self esteem in the past made me think anything I did/didnt do had absolutely no value,,, how blind I was in my own self pity....
He needed me soooooooooooo much and I failed him by wallowing in my own pity for tooooo long. I truly see now that : HE really just needed to be loved to feel loved and I let him down. What DBing has helped me realize is if I do not love myself I simply CAN NOT love anyone else,, I know weve heard it a 100,000,000 times but you know what? I finally got it. If I am living unworthy and feel like I do not deserve love how can I make anyone feel good? AS I get stronger I see he gets happier,, Once in awhile ,,, I must admit being assertive doesnt come naturally to me but Im a work in progress and I will prevail. I used to be passive agressive... and what do they say repeating the same behavior over and over again expecting different results is :insanity. I guess I was insane and it took getting knocked on my hinder to see I was sorely lacking in being there for him,, I was playing house so to speak and not giving everything I am,,, but living behind a wall of fear.
That same fear and not loving him like he deserved brought me here,, Yeah he could have worked on it too,,, but I am accepting of this trial and thank GOD for this oppurtunity to love him again and most of all for the knowledge of being aware, alive ,present and serene,, I know him giving me a second chance helps me but ,,I see more than anything that me loving myself (((like is said over and over on these boards ))) once really put into action makes a big/huge difference..((not just in my M but in every day life )) I am grateful for the book and Michelle,, a Blessing From GOD and hope one day soon to report that w/o a shadow of a doubt my MARRIAGE has not only /// been saved and restored but...
made into a real lasting comitment where two people can love and live in respect , honesty and integrity.
MY mini goals have been reached the real big one hopefully so,, and most of all, all my reading and working has been rewarded with hope for a real lasting ---adult --- relationship that will continue to grow b/c you get out of it what you put into it.It feels so different now like Ive grown up alot and I have really grown INTO A BETTER WOMAN and will continue to do so. WE do this with our plants, our cars , our jobs ,, but the most important thing of all MY MARRIAGE,, I assumed would sustain itself alone with the love I felt in my heart/ I failed miserably..everyday. I must put effort into my love and nourish it for it to grow into the most beautiful thing , I could ever create, I only have the rest of my days to do this ((Hopefully)) what other thing that we nuture could give us so much pleasure? There are some I know,,, children,etc. etc.... but for me growing old and having a big happy family means the world to me. Cars, houses , diamonds and furs come and go but love and being loved by the one you love so dearly have no comparison,,, God please help me to be sronger everyday,, God Bless
-------------------- We turn outward, attracted by the beauty we see in created things without realizing that they are only a reflection of the real beauty. And the real beauty is within us.
