I guess this is sort of a 'journaling' entry. Perhaps by sharing some of this stuff it may help others who are feeling the same feelings.
Christmas time this year had been pretty down for us. D15 and D11 are 'sort of' excited but they really seem like they don't want to make any emotional investment in the season.
Last year at this time W was 'in love' with OM, had been to see him and was way out there in La La land. We had canceled a much anticipated trip to Disney World due to the D being in progress and during tree decorating there was a few times when D15 had to go to her room to cry and D11 was clearly hurting. W was of course totally oblivious.
Carrying everyone through the season was tough, since I had to maintain a positive or at least neutral attitude all the time even though it hurt a lot inside. W was into the teenage games with OM (who lives far away) like taping mistletoe to her computer monitor when she was chatting with him and other bizarre high school type stuff.
The kids were withdrawn and overall it was a very sad time.
Fast forward to now. We're all back together as a family again, have been for about 7 months or so. For the most part it's been really great. We finally had that trip to Disney World and it was a lot of fun. We're going to make it and we're very lucky to be where we're at right now.
However, Christmas is now here and the total indifference and detachment to it is very apparent.
We decorated a tree and that was not particularly exciting for the girls - not like it used to be anyway. And every year we traditionally watch "A Christmas Story" but this year neither girl stayed through to the end, instead they went to bed early.
Sometimes I find myself recalling 'events' from last year. Her trip to see OM in early december, the constant sneaking cell phone calls, the e-mails, the messaging. When that happens I look at what we have now and I'm grateful, but it still hurts.
W breaks down and cries at least once a week during the holiday season. She sees how we all feel and she feels like she has to make it 'all better' for everyone for all the hurt she caused us. She's very, very sorry.
She can't fix it of course, it will just take time to heal. So I find myself having to support her when she's feeling like she was some evil woman who abused her family. It is so ironic (but understandable) that I had to keep her stable during the affair and crisis, and after it's all over I have to help her get over the guilt for what she did while she was an alien.
We sure do carry a lot.
I'm hoping that the new year will bring more healing and that we can get this all behind us. I don't see posts on this board from people who are piecing and having to work through the healing of their whole family who was harmed by all this that we go through. I think once someone gets farther into the 'piecing' mode they seem to leave the board forever.
I'm not reading and replying as much on the board because it kind of depresses me to see more people joining our little 'club'. More people learning new types and levels of pain. It also makes me remember where I was last year and I really don't like that feeling.
I've been fortunate that some of my stories have helped a few people to find themselves again. Some have even made their marriages work again, others have seen that they will be OK without the crazy person they had been living with all these years. For me, that makes it all worth it.
So, keep on keeping on. Keep the faith and remember everyone, it isn't your goal to heal your spouse, or your marriage. It is your goal to heal YOURSELF first so that it is POSSIBLE for your spouse to heal, and then your marriage to heal.
Once you do heal yourself, you won't NEED your spouse or your marriage any more. You'll choose to pursue it without the neediness and if it doesn't come back you'll know you did all that could be done. If it does return then you'll be in a much better relationship that you ever were before.
