Well, I have been neglecting my thread, and my OWN progress.
So,
Today (october 29) is my birthday. Last year on this day my W and went out to the movies together and had fun. She had been home for a week from her trip to Hawaii where she met OM and discovered that she 'had feelings' for this person she had met there. I was hoping it would blow over and things appeared to be improving. What I didn't know was that she was e-mailing him and he was calling her because he was an Emotional Predator.
In two more days (halloween) she would tell me she wanted a divorce because she had found her 'soulmate'. 4 weeks later she would fly to go be with him.
So here we are a year later. There's a little bit of a cloud as the halloween and thanksgiving holidays approach. The kids are very aware of how last year went. I think in some ways D15 is more sensitive than D11 is but they both feel the hurt.
W has said to me on many occasions that she knows she has to 'do a really good job of making the holidays feel good'. She carries a lot of guilt for making the big mistakes she made and hurting the kids, and me.
On the board we all talk a lot about how to 'get through' the 'mess' but we don't talk a lot about what happens AFTER the mess is healing. It's almost as hard as DB'ing was.
We're both a lot different now. And still a lot the same. There is still the 'when frank is up and strong, W is up and strong, and when frank is down and beat, W get's scared and feels unsafe.' The difference is that I will tell her she's being that way, and she will recognize that she is asking me to always be 'Superman' for her.
Even though the events of the past year left us somewhat financially devastated, we're actually having more fun than we've had in a long time, and we're working together to fix the past and build the future. My business is moving forward again and I'm getting back into the 'mainstream' and reconnecting with my peers.
After a lot of scraping together money we decided to take the Thanksgiving trip to Disney World this year, the one we canceled last year after she told the kids we were getting divorced, but we'd be 'friends' and go to Florida anyway. How crazy we were (well, she was).
I think we need this trip to 'bond' the family back together again. We're still a little gun shy.
One of the things the LBS (me) has to look at is the fact that for months WE shut down our feelings and didn't get our needs met. We DB'd and did everything in our power to 'hold it together'.
The problem is that even after we RECONCILE we still continue to do this. We don't realize it until we see ourselves not feeling 'safe' in the relationship after 3 months or so even though our spouse is very comfortable now. Remember, THEY didn't go through what WE went through. All their problems were 'solved' when they left, our began then.
So it's taking me some time to let that all go. TO let myself really relax and be present. Sure, I've learned lot's of new relationship behaviors but I also learned how to stay detached and keep cool under all conditions. The 'staying detached' is actually harmful now, since it seems to her like I don't really want to make it work, to commit to the relationship.
That's what I'm working on now, actually continuing to drop the barriers. Every week it gets better and I feel more comfortable. It's just going to continue to take time.
Here's another interesting observation. There are a few LBS's on the board I talk to and listen to their sitches, give them advice. For one in particular MY W will volunteer to explain to him how SHE felt when she was the WAW, comparing her feelings with his WAW and letting him know how crazy she was.
In many ways this has helped our healing. Partly because it helps my W to see how I felt, and it helps her to see how crazy she seemed to me. It also has helped me to see how I was acting and hurting and how much the support of others made a difference to me. And that W really WAS a bit crazy, since I listen to the antics of the other WAW's and it gives me a new perspective.
So, I really believe that for those who do find themselves healed again, whether they are reconciled or divorced, they will help others, and heal themselves, by sticking around the board for a while afterwards.
