frank-d....I've started reading your thread from the middle link you've left me. I've already found it inspiring. Perhaps I have some time before going 'dark' and need more 'work' to do first. I hope, despite the immense number of people following you, that you'll find the time to check in on me and help give input if I drift off course.
FIB (frank also)
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Thanks for responding to me. My wife has never uttered the words "I'm sorry" or "That was my fault" in 20 years. She says I don't meet her emotional needs, but it's tough to hug a porcupine! It's going to be a long year, and I can't afford to make old mistakes: pursuing calling, whining, stalking her friends for information, calling her family every day to ask them to intervene, using my kids for information...and yes, even a suicide attempt. Yechhhh. Who would want to come back to that. The advice from you and others has been great. Stay with me ladies and gentlemen!
Quote: I can't afford to make old mistakes: pursuing calling, whining, stalking her friends for information, calling her family every day to ask them to intervene, using my kids for information
There is hope for you. I did all of these for about 3 1/2 months. Then I finally got sense enough to stop. It took a good 2 1/2 months of being a good person for her to see that I wasn't working behind the scenes for her to believe in me. I was caught every single time. When they catch you, they are pissed and this gives them more reasons to keep the distance.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
Thank you for posting what you did on cherishhers thread,, your wifes feelings and what hapened to her as a child also happened to me... and noone cared either....
. This week I am going to read your story and I hope it further helps me to heal... for a long time I did not know why I felt almost to a "T" what you posted... it makes sense to me now and I can forgive myself even more now for living like that,, not having a voice and living in fear. Thank you so very much for your honesty.. God bless...
Quote: This week I am going to read your story and I hope it further helps me to heal... for a long time I did not know why I felt almost to a "T" what you posted... it makes sense to me now and I can forgive myself even more now for living like that,, not having a voice and living in fear. Thank you so very much for your honesty.. God bless...
You're welcome. I'm glad I could help you start healing.
....a 'superior man' in the making. Just stopped in to thank you. You made all the difference in the world. I can 'see' now. I now know that I may not be able to change the future, but, I sure as hell know that I am doing all that can be possibly done. One way or another, I will come out the other end a better man. I pray with my W.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Can you and AmyC make it back over to my thread? After you did the Billy Jack thing on me last night and told me I hadn't talked enough about what I need to work on ....I laid it out. I would love to get your advice......
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
Well, I have been neglecting my thread, and my OWN progress.
So,
Today (october 29) is my birthday. Last year on this day my W and went out to the movies together and had fun. She had been home for a week from her trip to Hawaii where she met OM and discovered that she 'had feelings' for this person she had met there. I was hoping it would blow over and things appeared to be improving. What I didn't know was that she was e-mailing him and he was calling her because he was an Emotional Predator.
In two more days (halloween) she would tell me she wanted a divorce because she had found her 'soulmate'. 4 weeks later she would fly to go be with him.
So here we are a year later. There's a little bit of a cloud as the halloween and thanksgiving holidays approach. The kids are very aware of how last year went. I think in some ways D15 is more sensitive than D11 is but they both feel the hurt.
W has said to me on many occasions that she knows she has to 'do a really good job of making the holidays feel good'. She carries a lot of guilt for making the big mistakes she made and hurting the kids, and me.
On the board we all talk a lot about how to 'get through' the 'mess' but we don't talk a lot about what happens AFTER the mess is healing. It's almost as hard as DB'ing was.
We're both a lot different now. And still a lot the same. There is still the 'when frank is up and strong, W is up and strong, and when frank is down and beat, W get's scared and feels unsafe.' The difference is that I will tell her she's being that way, and she will recognize that she is asking me to always be 'Superman' for her.
Even though the events of the past year left us somewhat financially devastated, we're actually having more fun than we've had in a long time, and we're working together to fix the past and build the future. My business is moving forward again and I'm getting back into the 'mainstream' and reconnecting with my peers.
After a lot of scraping together money we decided to take the Thanksgiving trip to Disney World this year, the one we canceled last year after she told the kids we were getting divorced, but we'd be 'friends' and go to Florida anyway. How crazy we were (well, she was).
I think we need this trip to 'bond' the family back together again. We're still a little gun shy.
One of the things the LBS (me) has to look at is the fact that for months WE shut down our feelings and didn't get our needs met. We DB'd and did everything in our power to 'hold it together'.
The problem is that even after we RECONCILE we still continue to do this. We don't realize it until we see ourselves not feeling 'safe' in the relationship after 3 months or so even though our spouse is very comfortable now. Remember, THEY didn't go through what WE went through. All their problems were 'solved' when they left, our began then.
So it's taking me some time to let that all go. TO let myself really relax and be present. Sure, I've learned lot's of new relationship behaviors but I also learned how to stay detached and keep cool under all conditions. The 'staying detached' is actually harmful now, since it seems to her like I don't really want to make it work, to commit to the relationship.
That's what I'm working on now, actually continuing to drop the barriers. Every week it gets better and I feel more comfortable. It's just going to continue to take time.
Here's another interesting observation. There are a few LBS's on the board I talk to and listen to their sitches, give them advice. For one in particular MY W will volunteer to explain to him how SHE felt when she was the WAW, comparing her feelings with his WAW and letting him know how crazy she was.
In many ways this has helped our healing. Partly because it helps my W to see how I felt, and it helps her to see how crazy she seemed to me. It also has helped me to see how I was acting and hurting and how much the support of others made a difference to me. And that W really WAS a bit crazy, since I listen to the antics of the other WAW's and it gives me a new perspective.
So, I really believe that for those who do find themselves healed again, whether they are reconciled or divorced, they will help others, and heal themselves, by sticking around the board for a while afterwards.
Thanks for making your way back and posting an update.
And thanks for hitting it right on the head about us LBS's and what we need to go through to continue healing - and to make sure we don't become complacent and backtrack.
I'm encouraged at what seems to be a lot of action on the Piecing forum - I don't recall seeing this much activity since you and I came over...
We still have long ways to go on this journey...
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
