I want to let people know that things are going very very well with W and I. Our relationship has probably not been as good as it is now, for a long time. I would say in a nutshell that the real strenght is the ability we have to actually talk about what's othering her, or me, without taking it as a personal affront.
I'll write some more later. JUst wanted to update.
You have mentioned that you have a great counselor. I'm also in Southern California, and looking for a solution-oriented counselor to help me in my sitch. Would you recommend yours? Could you hook me up with her name? Thanks so much!
M 33
WAH 33
M 6 years
No Kids
Bomb 4/21/06
he filed for divorce
he filed for divorce - now what? part I
Quote: You have mentioned that you have a great counselor. I'm also in Southern California, and looking for a solution-oriented counselor to help me in my sitch. Would you recommend yours? Could you hook me up with her name? Thanks so much!
E-mail me your location (city) and I can tell you how to contact her.
Well, I just don't post enough about my own sitch. Well the past many months of DB'ing and disruption of our household, seeing counselors twice a week and general anarchy have really whacked us financially.
Some may recall that in February, while W was going to be 'in business' with OM after he moved out here eventually I was presented with the opportunity to help her start this business.
I made the right choice and did help her start it up. She was excited to start, but didn't really make the effort to get 'out there' but instead relied on people showing up - not.
AFter OM fizzled out and she had her crash and we started to make our marriage work she kind of just cruised for the next several months. I didn't press her to actually try harder because I knew that we needed her to realize that herself, or she would see me as controlling her.
Up till now it's been a break even situation which sucks because we basically don't have that $1,000 per month of income.
When things got really tight recently though, she got into gear, called old clients and offered them discounts on massages and pretty much doubled her weekly revenue! It has given her a lot of confidence so now she's willing to put some money into adverstising and seeing what we can do to build her business up (finally!). Patience was a lesson I learned DB'ing and it's served me well in this case.
A few weeks ago we had a talk about OM and how much she hurt me, how hard it is to DB and sit by while she does all those hurtful things, all the stuff we all know about here on the board. I explained to her how I was there in the background, always watching and listening but never letting on that I was hopeful - just saying what she needed to hear, and allowing her to have her affair and 'act as if' it wasn't my problem any more.
She said she thought I had really given up and that she was grateful that I DIDN'T GIVE up on us. She said she was way out there, and she doesn't even know who that woman was who did all those things.
She cried and said she was so so sorry for hurting me so much, and that she was so glad I was strong enough to not run away from HER the way she ran away from ME.
I think hearing her truly be remorseful for the hurt she caused has been a great step in our healing. One of the fears I had is that I would always wonder if she would 'do it again' if life got tough for us. I don't think she will thouhg, she's different now. A lot more confident and serene in some ways.
Well, there's more to tell but I gotta go. Hope everyone else is doing well in their battles!
Please keep posting when you can. Your posts always give me the positive outlook I need to reconsider my own sitch and look at the positives. And to be patient with W.
